Being a big girl
I am a mess. My dad was booked for open heart surgery on valentines day. Then that got cancelled and reschedule to the next day. for some reason, that got cancelled again and is now booked for this coming Tuesday. Yes that's right, my mom's birthday.
I visited tonight after I worked all day. Got to Boston at 8 pm and he was so loopy. His diabetes is so poorly controlled he cant concentrate, he gets confused and unsteady on his feet. His blood sugar dropped so low tonight I thought he was going to pass out.
I am worried sick. I worry the surgery wont go well, I worry he could have kidney failure or aspirate. I worry for infection, I worry for my family. I also worry about my own health. Am I going to have these health problems in the future? Am I strong enough to get through this and not let him see how unbelievably scared I am?... My anxiety is so out of control at this point my AV is trying to take over my life.
Then, on the other hand, I feel like a five year old girl who is trying to protect her dad. I realize there is nothing I can do other than love him and hope and pray that this will all be ok. That his surgery and recovery will be successful. I just cant bear to think of the alternative.
My husband has been there in 'his way" but he is so consumed with getting his new business started I feel like I'm going through this all alone.
I have 2 sisters and a brother and my mom is alive. We are all normally very close but with all this stress I think we have all pushed each other away.
My husband tells me I need to make peace with my dad. I have no clue how to do that. I am barely at peace with myself these days.
I have not drank. I will not drink because I don't drink. But man oh man, I have thought a lot of wine and beer and vodka. I've even considered smoking pot which is funny because that pretty much knocks me out. I guess I just want my brain to chill the F out until I can get a handle on this situation.
UGH. Thanks for the vent