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Being a big girl

Old 02-16-2013, 09:11 PM
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Being a big girl

I am a mess. My dad was booked for open heart surgery on valentines day. Then that got cancelled and reschedule to the next day. for some reason, that got cancelled again and is now booked for this coming Tuesday. Yes that's right, my mom's birthday.
I visited tonight after I worked all day. Got to Boston at 8 pm and he was so loopy. His diabetes is so poorly controlled he cant concentrate, he gets confused and unsteady on his feet. His blood sugar dropped so low tonight I thought he was going to pass out.
I am worried sick. I worry the surgery wont go well, I worry he could have kidney failure or aspirate. I worry for infection, I worry for my family. I also worry about my own health. Am I going to have these health problems in the future? Am I strong enough to get through this and not let him see how unbelievably scared I am?... My anxiety is so out of control at this point my AV is trying to take over my life.
Then, on the other hand, I feel like a five year old girl who is trying to protect her dad. I realize there is nothing I can do other than love him and hope and pray that this will all be ok. That his surgery and recovery will be successful. I just cant bear to think of the alternative.
My husband has been there in 'his way" but he is so consumed with getting his new business started I feel like I'm going through this all alone.
I have 2 sisters and a brother and my mom is alive. We are all normally very close but with all this stress I think we have all pushed each other away.
My husband tells me I need to make peace with my dad. I have no clue how to do that. I am barely at peace with myself these days.
I have not drank. I will not drink because I don't drink. But man oh man, I have thought a lot of wine and beer and vodka. I've even considered smoking pot which is funny because that pretty much knocks me out. I guess I just want my brain to chill the F out until I can get a handle on this situation.
UGH. Thanks for the vent
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Old 02-16-2013, 09:20 PM
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sometimes making peace is just being there I think?

Try and stop....you have enough to worry about right now without future tripping on the rest of your life.

All any of us can do is deal with today IGS.

Try your best to prioritise - do the important stuff best you can - a bit at a time even - and leave the less important stuff for now, maybe?

Stay strong - drinking may sounds enticing but it's not - remember the reality.

It won't help you or your dad.

sendingyou support,
D
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Old 02-16-2013, 09:28 PM
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you are absolutely right Dee. The only way I can explain it is I feel like I have tumbleweed getting blown around inside my stomach.
I cant believe I am having such a hard time expressing myself but it just seems I cant get anything out right.
Thanks for the advice. I get scared because this is the kind of thing that has sparked my depression in the past. Next thing I know I stop showering and then the compulsive behavior takes over!
The difference now is that I can recognize those signs which I am thankful for. Wow. I could be a good case study for someone
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Old 02-16-2013, 09:40 PM
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As 'loopy' as he is right now, just being there and saying "dad, I love you," will
'make peace.' He will hear you.

Since he is a diabetic, I would suspect that with his fluctuating blood sugar readings
is why the surgery keeps getting rescheduled. I am diabetic and have had similar
happen to me.

Ask your HP to watch over your dad and then go be with him. That is the best way
to 'make peace.'

Also know that you are not in this alone. We here at SR are walking with you in
spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-16-2013, 09:40 PM
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Originally Posted by ivegotsunshine
Am I going to have these health problems in the future? Am I strong enough to get through this and not let him see how unbelievably scared I am?... My anxiety is so out of control at this point my AV is trying to take over my life.
Your AV is barking up the wrong tree. Because if you take a look at those questions, you'll see drinking dramatically impacts both answers—and not in a good way. Sounds to me like you have a handle on the situation right now.

Ask yourself this: how would you feel about yourself after you drank? I'd be disappointed, ashamed, afraid. Nothing helpful can come from it. Not one single thing. Diet, sleep, exercise—those things will help. Posting here, calling a friend. Maybe escape into a dumb movie. Music can soothe me in times of trouble. But really anything is better than drinking.

My dad is dying. Pancreatic cancer. I feel the end closing in; he skipped his weekly video call with my daughter today, so that's a bad sign. It sucks. I know exactly how you feel. But you know what? I've never been more grateful to be sober. It's the only way I'd be able to maintain my center of gravity, so I can be strong in front of my parents and my kid, while simultaneously processing my own thoughts and feelings. Some of those feelings are truly awful. But I remind myself that some things in life are supposed to feel awful. Pain is part of what it means to be human, and part of what it means to love.

You're doing great. There's comfort and strength to be found in that knowledge; hold onto it as you move forward through this storm. You will get through it.
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Old 02-16-2013, 09:44 PM
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Prayers... ^ Much good words of advise above.
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Old 02-17-2013, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
As 'loopy' as he is right now, just being there and saying "dad, I love you," will
'make peace.' He will hear you.

Since he is a diabetic, I would suspect that with his fluctuating blood sugar readings
is why the surgery keeps getting rescheduled. I am diabetic and have had similar
happen to me.

Ask your HP to watch over your dad and then go be with him. That is the best way
to 'make peace.'

Also know that you are not in this alone. We here at SR are walking with you in
spirit.

Love and hugs,
Thank you. Supposedly it has been delayed more so because of the way the ERand ICU are run than because of his blood suga, but that has still been a problem regardless.
I know he knows I love him. I tell him all the time. I think I'm one of the few who does. He finally told me he loved me last Monday. I think he thought he wouldn't have had the chance..
I have learned a huge lesson from all this; listen to your body. I am making and eye appointment and one with my pcp to have my blood sugars tested.
thanks for all your well wishes!
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Old 02-17-2013, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by ReadyAndAble View Post
Your AV is barking up the wrong tree. Because if you take a look at those questions, you'll see drinking dramatically impacts both answers—and not in a good way. Sounds to me like you have a handle on the situation right now.

Ask yourself this: how would you feel about yourself after you drank? I'd be disappointed, ashamed, afraid. Nothing helpful can come from it. Not one single thing. Diet, sleep, exercise—those things will help. Posting here, calling a friend. Maybe escape into a dumb movie. Music can soothe me in times of trouble. But really anything is better than drinking.

My dad is dying. Pancreatic cancer. I feel the end closing in; he skipped his weekly video call with my daughter today, so that's a bad sign. It sucks. I know exactly how you feel. But you know what? I've never been more grateful to be sober. It's the only way I'd be able to maintain my center of gravity, so I can be strong in front of my parents and my kid, while simultaneously processing my own thoughts and feelings. Some of those feelings are truly awful. But I remind myself that some things in life are supposed to feel awful. Pain is part of what it means to be human, and part of what it means to love.

You're doing great. There's comfort and strength to be found in that knowledge; hold onto it as you move forward through this storm. You will get through it.
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. I am so very sorry you are going through this with your dad. I can only imagine how very difficult this must be, especially for your child.
We are never really the tough strong parents we think ours were, are we? I wish you and your family peace.
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