Good god
Hi all, I've been reading posts, advice on here all week. It's a help and a reality check. I just feel absolutely lost. I am 37, I have twin daughters age 12. I have been in an on off relationship with their dad for 13 years , sometimes violent. I have been drinking since I was 16. I was a good girl , straight a student who ended up with a pretty violent stepfather who decided I was the cause of all our family problems and kicked me out of home. My mum agreed. I guess I've been drinking since then. I had my own money and no parents ( my dad was living in another country ). I worked in hospitality as a chef so there was always lots of drinking going on there. I travelled and partied, did lots of dancing and drugs. Yet, it seems, I'm the one who carried on. All my friends did it too but didn't end up being a boozer like me. Currently my partner has left, he says he can't take the drunken me who abuses him verbally. As I said we have had a pretty tumultuous relationship and I have always blamed him for my ****** behaviour. But , I'm starting to see now that I'm not good. I am drunk and drinking all the time and I'm really unhappy. I went to docs last week and fessed up everything. Got some anti depressants ( so reluctant to take them but am willing to try ) but I havnt stopped drinking , it's getting worse. I'm drinking in the day time , I'm totally self medicating Bc I can't stand the anxiety. I normally drink wine but have sworn myself off it in some attempt at action. But really I've just replaced it with other booze in the same quantities. I want my man to come home. I want this crazy drinking to stop and I want to be the mum I should be. But seriously it's like my brains in destruct mode and while it recognises all these feelings at the same time someone else is overriding it and saying yes I know but drink. It's completely mental. I just need to press an off button somewhere and do the right thing but at the moment I can't find it.