I know some people here had warned me against denial in his family. I told them because I thought I would feel safer if they knew his secret too. I'm a little surprised my mother joined in the denial.
AH is very good at convincing people of things. No one knew he was an alcoholic until now. People don't even realize that they don't know him. They believe they do. They believe he is nice. They don't get close to him, but they don't think anything is wrong. The man can pull out the tears and apologies. Me? I don't have a very sophisticated poker face. I was angry at the whole shenanigans and you could see it on my face, at least some degree. I was less appealing than him, with his weeping and sad face.
And these people are very attached to the idea that marriage is just a hard thing and ours could be saved, with a little trying and faith. The whole thing turned into "You are both obviously feeling so hurt" and "You should both practice forgiveness" and "Neither of you are reporting facts, just how you feel about things, and it's natural for people to feel differently about things." I felt frustrated.
He acted conciliatory towards me and everyone and said his feelings were very hurt that I thought he might "murder" me. Like so many things he said, all for show. He's not really talking to me, but in front of me so others can observe.
His parents glanced at one another knowingly sometimes when I spoke about the seriousness of his condition or why I was afraid or why this didn't look fixable to me. I became the "crazy one," I think.
This whole situation is not the stuff of "hitting bottom," when he can still successful manipulate others into thinking what he wants them to think. When he can get others to agree I'm a little nuts for feeling unsafe. I think there's virtually no chance he will engage in recovery at this point.