Welcome to my Almost Divorce. Comments?

Old 02-08-2013, 10:50 PM
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Welcome to my Almost Divorce. Comments?

So, interesting day. I sort of almost left my AH. I was feeling vaguely but persistently unsafe since my husband broke his hand on a wall, punching it while drunk. Add to this the fact that our house contains a gun whose location my husband knows. I don't now where to find the gun.

Add to this the idea that he is a very fastidious hider of his drinking habits. Everyone else thinks he is the nicest guy. I am the only one who knows his secrets. And he is generally a resentful, angry dude, who has made threats of divorce lately, and is deeply in denial. I don't like being the only keeper of his secrets and his shame. I wasn't sure how angry he would be if I spilled the beans or how that anger would manifest.

I didn't so much *think* he was going to hurt me as much as I wasn't sure what he was capable of given all of these factors. My trust for him is obviously quite low.

So I packed a bag, went to my mother's and we drove over to his parents house to tell them what was going on and give them the other household gun.
I told them he was an alcoholic (they didn't know) and that I had left tonight because I was somewhat scared for my safety.

I had decided several weeks ago that I wanted a divorce.

I'm kind of annoyed actually because the in-laws, my mother, and AH (who eventually came over) decided that our marriage was worth saving. All together, a cohesive group, with AH sounding very contrite and sympathetic, they concluded it was worth another go.

I'm fairly certain I don't want to be married any more. But partly from peer pressure and partly because I think it might make a smoother transition in some way, and partly because it sounded sensible (???), I agreed to a separation period of 2 months instead.

I told AH that he had to not just pause his drinking, but seek counseling and AA. And have realizations. The man is resistant to therapy, responsiblity, and self-reflection. Fond of inertia and blame. I'm kind of annoyed because I think he sort of played our families, acting shocked and distraught and all that.

Right now, I don't feel love or like for him. He would not only have to recover in every sense of the word, but I would have to fall in love with him in the next two months for our marriage to survive. I don't want to be with an alcoholic. I don't really want to be with a recovered alcoholic because who knows if he would stay that way. It would take a surreal amount of love to overcome these issues. I'll be damned if I get sucked back in.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:15 PM
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Agreeing to a "trial separation" isn't exactly caving. You're still out of the house, and everyone gets a chance to get used to the idea. You never have to go back, no matter what he does. You can continue with your own plans. Even if he gets sober, you aren't obligated to get back together with him.

I suggest you use this time to line everything up to make for a smoother exit--go ahead and see a lawyer, start gathering the necessary information. And some Al-Anon meetings wouldn't hurt, either. Even if you never go back, you've still been affected.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:19 PM
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[QUOTE]the in-laws, my mother, and AH (who eventually came over) decided that our marriage was worth saving.[/QUOTE
When your mother and your inlaws want to be married to an alcoholic, they have the right to make that decision for themselves.
They have no right to make that decision for you.

I'm glad you're separating for two months. The good thing is, that means you will be safe. And I hope you will take the time to find an Al-Anon group, and hang out here. Because you need to take care of yourself. And two months is enough time to figure out a good exit strategy.

I've been slapped on the wrist here before for encouraging people to leave. I don't always. But I'm glad you see the danger, and recognize that it was the wall this time but you're not sure it's not going to be you next time. That feeling of self-preservation that made you pack your bag and go to you mom's house might very well save your life. Listen to that voice.

And lots of hugs for you.
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Old 02-09-2013, 03:02 AM
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Kale-

I just want to acknowledge that one of your early posts (and the responses) helped me to realize just how lucky I was I had not been hurt with my loved one and his drinking.

I had to share that to you as I as walked into my therapists office this week and said the same thing.

I am glad you are out and safe. For me the rest fell into place, but it could not have if I was not taking care of my own physical wellbeing.
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Old 02-09-2013, 04:44 AM
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I am glad that you are out of there. The parents are in denial, sounds like this is all new to them. Many stay in denial, others wake up, there is no way of knowing which way their pattern will go.

With that said, it is your life, your decision, not theirs. Take this time for you, sending support your way.
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Old 02-09-2013, 05:21 AM
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I don't have experience with an alcoholic spouse- only an alcoholic child. But, I'm happy your life is moving in a direction that is good for you. ;-)
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Old 02-09-2013, 06:30 AM
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My personal experience of sharing XA disease with his family did not go well either. Denial, Denial, Denial.

I learned the hard way, when you share problems with extended family, seems you are inviting them into the relationship.

You do not need their approval to move forward in YOUR life.

I am sorry that your life is compromised today. Please know we will be here to support you.
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Old 02-09-2013, 07:24 AM
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My exAH family did not believe he had a disease or a problem with alcohol.

It is not right or wrong but I did better with this when I remember how long my denial was in place....

However my denial did not change the problem drinker, and it only kept me stuck. When I realized my extended family was just stuck in their denial it helped me to move forward with my life.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:14 AM
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I know some people here had warned me against denial in his family. I told them because I thought I would feel safer if they knew his secret too. I'm a little surprised my mother joined in the denial.

AH is very good at convincing people of things. No one knew he was an alcoholic until now. People don't even realize that they don't know him. They believe they do. They believe he is nice. They don't get close to him, but they don't think anything is wrong. The man can pull out the tears and apologies. Me? I don't have a very sophisticated poker face. I was angry at the whole shenanigans and you could see it on my face, at least some degree. I was less appealing than him, with his weeping and sad face.

And these people are very attached to the idea that marriage is just a hard thing and ours could be saved, with a little trying and faith. The whole thing turned into "You are both obviously feeling so hurt" and "You should both practice forgiveness" and "Neither of you are reporting facts, just how you feel about things, and it's natural for people to feel differently about things." I felt frustrated.

He acted conciliatory towards me and everyone and said his feelings were very hurt that I thought he might "murder" me. Like so many things he said, all for show. He's not really talking to me, but in front of me so others can observe.

His parents glanced at one another knowingly sometimes when I spoke about the seriousness of his condition or why I was afraid or why this didn't look fixable to me. I became the "crazy one," I think.

This whole situation is not the stuff of "hitting bottom," when he can still successful manipulate others into thinking what he wants them to think. When he can get others to agree I'm a little nuts for feeling unsafe. I think there's virtually no chance he will engage in recovery at this point.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:40 AM
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It's got to be so frustrating, but I think alcoholism is one of those things that until you actually live with it, you have no idea. I hope the separation will help you get stronger and you come to realize in time that it does not really matter what everyone else thinks or believes. The only person you can control is you. You deserve to live a life without active alcoholism in it.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:41 AM
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I work in the DV field, and one of the best indicators of dangerousness is the victim's perception of dangerousness. If you feel he is capable of harming you, there is a good likelihood that that is so. Trust those instincts. It doesn't matter if no one else believes you.

I really suggest you contact the DV hotline and get hooked up with a counselor who can take an objective look at your situation. It might be the reality check that you need. There are several lethality assessment tools that can be used to get an idea of how dangerous a particular individual might be. There is a free online DV danger assessment tool at www.mosaicmethod.com. A DV counselor can also help you with a safety plan to help keep you safe during this sometimes volatile time of separation.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:48 AM
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Kale, I had many things to learn when I exposed the secret that was keeping me sick and stuck. But a few of the things that helped me were very simple statements, I had to learn, practice and believe.

I hope you do not mind me sharing them with you -

1. What other people think of me is none of my business.
2. I will not let other peoples feelings or opinions define me or mine.
3. No is a complete sentence. I do not have to give explanations.
4. And more will be revealed.

Keep working on you and all will become much easier~
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Old 02-09-2013, 04:34 PM
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I'm kind of annoyed actually because the in-laws, my mother, and AH (who eventually came over) decided that our marriage was worth saving. All together, a cohesive group, with AH sounding very contrite and sympathetic, they concluded it was worth another go.
Nobody can decide to stay or go but YOU. Alcoholic husband wants his enabler because otherwise, he may have to take responsibility for something. Frankly, it's no one's business. I hope you can thank them for sharing but this is something YOU must do on your own. Nobody but you knows how terrible your life is. You've taken big steps .... listening to others can screw up your life.
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Old 02-09-2013, 05:24 PM
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I lived with a similar vague sense of fear during the last six months of living with my exah too.

My exah wasn't violent. But he did have a history of mental illness. He managed to hide it very well by self-medicating with alcohol and drugs but there were a few times where he had a complete break with reality resulting in a trip to the psych ward.

They would keep him there a week or two, stabilize him, and release him. He wouldn't follow treatment recommendations, would revert to self-medicating, and on we would go until the next break from reality.

My exah was so good at hiding psychotic symptoms. He was really really good at hiding the drinking and drugs he resorted to for self-medicating. But over the last year or so, I could just sense that it was getting harder and harder for him to maintain.

He didn't do anything overtly hostile or agressive. He isolated and drank and slept. I knew I had to get him out of the house we share with our son but I had some legal hurdles to overcome before I could do it. It felt like a race against time...would I be able to get him out before the next psychotic break? I worried about it. There was always an undercurrent of fear.

Six months after I got him out, he had the worst psychotic break yet. He broke into a fire station and stole a rescue vehicle with a trailer and rescue boat attached. There was a massive manhunt for him. IT was very bizarre. I knew he struggled with reality but I NEVER thought he would do something as absured as that...never ever.

Looking back now, I know I am lucky that I managed to get him out of my house when I did. It really scares me to think about what could have happened if he had been living with our son and me when he had his latest break. I can't even let my mind go there.

What I'm trying to say in a round about way is that I knew something was brewing with my exah. If I had gone to others and expressed my concerns, I'm not sure they would have taken them seriously or fully appreciated what was going on. After all, how could they? They didn't live with him. They didn't know the ebb and flow of his addiction and mental illness. They were outiders looking in. Fortunately, I didn't look to anyone else to validate my feelings. I did what I thought was right and I stuck with it. And thank God that I did in lighth of what happened just six months later.

Don't discount your instincts. Listen to your gut. You know the situation better than anyone else.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:36 PM
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Originally Posted by kale View Post
Add to this the idea that he is a very fastidious hider of his drinking habits. Everyone else thinks he is the nicest guy. I am the only one who knows his secrets. And he is generally a resentful, angry dude, who has made threats of divorce lately, and is deeply in denial. I don't like being the only keeper of his secrets and his shame.

The man is resistant to therapy, responsiblity, and self-reflection. Fond of inertia and blame.
Are we married to the same guy? Sure sounds like my husband.

You have your choices, and even as a cohesive group your family & in-laws can't make them for you (though perhaps they *think* they can/should). Kudos for you to having the clarity and strength to make the decision you felt was right for you!
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Old 02-09-2013, 09:03 PM
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The good news is, you don't need their permission to leave.

I agree with Lexie (and I don't have any experience in the DV field): If you feel afraid that means you should feel afraid.

I'm sorry your family and his isn't giving you the support you need. More good news: you can find it here.
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Old 02-09-2013, 09:28 PM
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I am glad to hear that you are out of the house and safe, whatever the reason is. From your past posts, having an AH who punches a hole in the wall and breaks his finger is a scary sign when he starts focusing that anger on you. That he gets angry with you during intimate moments is also very disturbing. As Lexie says, it is better to get some physical space between you so that you are not a target for his violence.

This also gives you the emotional space and time to really contemplate what you want. You can talk with a lawyer - many give free consultations - and see what your rights are and what the process would be if you decide to divorce. This doesn't mean you have to divorce him; it just means that you can make an educated decision, understanding the financial consequences.

For me, the more time I was away from my AH, the more I realized how deeply disturbed our relationship had become as his alcoholism and other addictions progressed. And my AH didn't change after I left; he just went on the rollercoaster of threatening, then cajoling, then attacking, then telling me he loved me, then saying I'd never make it with our him, and on and on. Yours may be different.

So you've got yourself a protected "time-out" away from him with all the relatives' support; sounds like a win for you for the time being.

Longer-term, this is totally your decision, and it doesn't matter what anyone else things. It is your life, and you get to decide.

From reading some of your past posts, I wanted to comment that, from my experience, having left my AH on July 4th and filed for divorce shortly after, I have had many moments of regret. There were many good times, so much laughter, many poignant shared moments and sometimes I am drawn back to him as if those would be our future. In my case, that isn't going to happen, and I need to let go of my dreams, remember the past joys, and move on from the current despair. It's very bittersweet, and it is hard - but for me essential - to keep coming back to the truth of what life would be if I were with him now.

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Old 02-09-2013, 09:34 PM
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Thank you Outonalimb, that gave me some strength.

I guess the most most discouraging thing (apart from impending worsening financial states) is my mother. I counted on her as an ally, and she threw me under the bus at this meeting saying my AH is like a son to her and beaming at him. She was more pro AH than his own parents. She called my judgment into question when I mentioned SR, and said that it was probably full of extreme people saying extreme things and she would be more comfortable if I just went to Alanon(whose attendees wouldn't give me those crazy fears of husband). I obviously am incapable at judging the credibility of my media, har har.

Mom's got issues. Not the first time I've ended up under the bus when she said I could count on her. She resents me for a couple of things and won't talk about it. She abused me when I was a child in a similar way.

But she's my mom, and I hoped for some respite. My closest friends live elsewhere. I don't want to burden my local less-close friends with this information at this stage. I'm pretty alone. It's a little scary. I have to buy a used car for the first time, seek out a roommate for the first time since college. Withstand the extreme disappointment of in-laws and family alike. Look like the bad guy. Le sigh.
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Old 02-09-2013, 09:44 PM
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Hey, now you've got friends all over the world. Hundreds of us!!!!

Yes, it is hard to go out on your own, but, for me, it is worth it.

Take it a day at a time. For me, the little things sometimes were the biggest. I can sleep peacefully all night without someone disturbing me or keeping me up scaring me that he'd hang himself from the landing where I would see him when I came out of the bedroom.

And when I go to the kitchen, it isn't full of stale bourbon glasses and liquor spilled on the floor and cabinets and half eaten sandwiches. Each morning now the kitchen is clean, the air is clear, the flowers are in their vase, and it is a fresh new day.

I hope that you find the same. The leaving is bittersweet, but the new life has its lovely moments.

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Old 02-10-2013, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by kale View Post
Withstand the extreme disappointment of in-laws and family alike. Look like the bad guy. Le sigh.
Sending hugs, Kale. When I first left AXH, who was abusive, I had to remind myself that _I_ knew the truth of what our relationship was, how _he_ was. That I'd lived with the extremes his drinking caused. Just because his family and new girlfriend didn't believe it, didn't take away the truth.

My family eventually understood more. AXHs family... *shrug* His now-ex GF found out far more than she wanted and has a restraining order against him.

I'm not comparing your AH with my AXH, just wanted to say: Just remember that they haven't had to live with his drinking the way you have. You know what it was like.

Wishing you peace and continued strength.
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