kale

So, interesting day. I sort of almost left my AH. I was feeling vaguely but persistently unsafe since my husband broke his hand on a wall, punching it while drunk. Add to this the fact that our house contains a gun whose location my husband knows. I don't now where to find the gun.

Add to this the idea that he is a very fastidious hider of his drinking habits. Everyone else thinks he is the nicest guy. I am the only one who knows his secrets. And he is generally a resentful, angry dude, who has made threats of divorce lately, and is deeply in denial. I don't like being the only keeper of his secrets and his shame. I wasn't sure how angry he would be if I spilled the beans or how that anger would manifest.

I didn't so much *think* he was going to hurt me as much as I wasn't sure what he was capable of given all of these factors. My trust for him is obviously quite low.

So I packed a bag, went to my mother's and we drove over to his parents house to tell them what was going on and give them the other household gun.
I told them he was an alcoholic (they didn't know) and that I had left tonight because I was somewhat scared for my safety.

I had decided several weeks ago that I wanted a divorce.

I'm kind of annoyed actually because the in-laws, my mother, and AH (who eventually came over) decided that our marriage was worth saving. All together, a cohesive group, with AH sounding very contrite and sympathetic, they concluded it was worth another go.

I'm fairly certain I don't want to be married any more. But partly from peer pressure and partly because I think it might make a smoother transition in some way, and partly because it sounded sensible (???), I agreed to a separation period of 2 months instead.

I told AH that he had to not just pause his drinking, but seek counseling and AA. And have realizations. The man is resistant to therapy, responsiblity, and self-reflection. Fond of inertia and blame. I'm kind of annoyed because I think he sort of played our families, acting shocked and distraught and all that.

Right now, I don't feel love or like for him. He would not only have to recover in every sense of the word, but I would have to fall in love with him in the next two months for our marriage to survive. I don't want to be with an alcoholic. I don't really want to be with a recovered alcoholic because who knows if he would stay that way. It would take a surreal amount of love to overcome these issues. I'll be damned if I get sucked back in.