Thought its time to share
I've been a SRF "creeper" for the past 4 months or so. I learned so much about Alcoholism from reading the threads. I've laughed at the irony and cried at the overwhelming magnitude and affect this disease has. There's been many times I could stick my name on someone elses post and call it my own, cause I was right there with them. My AH and I have been together almost 5 years, married 2. So many times I've been asked if I saw his disease before we married, and I say no. I think on some subconcious level I knew something was "off," but I am a text book Co-Dependant, and he had children I adored. I chose to move out Nov 2012, after his drinking progressed and I finally realized it wasn't my job to save him. I am responsible for me and the welfare of my own child, not him. We started counseling sessions immediately, and he said he quit drinking as soon as I left. I found alcohol hidden a month or so later in his bathroom cabinet, but he was quick to brush it off. He said he had gathered all his empty cans and was going to throw them away, but was afraid I'd see them in his recycling and think he was still drinking, so he hid them.
We quit counseling about 2 weeks ago. I can't seem to face sitting in a room, trying to find hope, only to have it destroyed almost immediately by some ridiculous accusation, text, phone call, etc.. that he'll inevitably make, trying to blame me for some thing off the wall.
I guess my point in writing is, he says he's changed. He says he stopped drinking and even started a 12 step program (for me), but feels its hard to put himself into the correct "step" because he isn't an addict, he chose to drink. I feel sorry for him and guilty because I have zero "want" to try and work it out. It seems so hard to trust that he's actually sober, and if it was so simple, maybe I labeled him an alcoholic too soon? Although his last Wife had the same issue and he's spent time in rehab and AA about 7 years ago. Maybe by posting on here, I can gain a little more insight into why I'm choosing to sit on the fence, seemingly unable to go back or completely walk away.