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Thought its time to share

Old 02-08-2013, 01:07 PM
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Thought its time to share

I've been a SRF "creeper" for the past 4 months or so. I learned so much about Alcoholism from reading the threads. I've laughed at the irony and cried at the overwhelming magnitude and affect this disease has. There's been many times I could stick my name on someone elses post and call it my own, cause I was right there with them. My AH and I have been together almost 5 years, married 2. So many times I've been asked if I saw his disease before we married, and I say no. I think on some subconcious level I knew something was "off," but I am a text book Co-Dependant, and he had children I adored. I chose to move out Nov 2012, after his drinking progressed and I finally realized it wasn't my job to save him. I am responsible for me and the welfare of my own child, not him. We started counseling sessions immediately, and he said he quit drinking as soon as I left. I found alcohol hidden a month or so later in his bathroom cabinet, but he was quick to brush it off. He said he had gathered all his empty cans and was going to throw them away, but was afraid I'd see them in his recycling and think he was still drinking, so he hid them.
We quit counseling about 2 weeks ago. I can't seem to face sitting in a room, trying to find hope, only to have it destroyed almost immediately by some ridiculous accusation, text, phone call, etc.. that he'll inevitably make, trying to blame me for some thing off the wall.
I guess my point in writing is, he says he's changed. He says he stopped drinking and even started a 12 step program (for me), but feels its hard to put himself into the correct "step" because he isn't an addict, he chose to drink. I feel sorry for him and guilty because I have zero "want" to try and work it out. It seems so hard to trust that he's actually sober, and if it was so simple, maybe I labeled him an alcoholic too soon? Although his last Wife had the same issue and he's spent time in rehab and AA about 7 years ago. Maybe by posting on here, I can gain a little more insight into why I'm choosing to sit on the fence, seemingly unable to go back or completely walk away.
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Old 02-08-2013, 01:55 PM
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Hi Arlie,

I'm an addict and an adult child of an alcoholic. We have all been where you're at: complex and mixed feelings, distrust, self-doubt. That is what loving an alcoholic can do to us. My mom is still with my alcoholic dad and he is really in bad shape and getting worse. I don't know what she gets out of it. The only way I can fathom that she is still with him is because she is sick, or messed up, if that sounds better. So am I. This is a family disease. We both love him and hate him and feel sorry for him and are angry and don't know how to deal with it.

And maybe your husband is not an alcoholic after all. But there are a lot of red flags in your post. And unfortunately, it sounds like you can really relate to us and the things you've read here!

Please stick around and keep posting.
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Old 02-08-2013, 02:28 PM
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Well one red flag is that he said he started a 12 step program for you. He needs to do it for him not for you.

Maybe you just need to sit on the fence for awhile before you make decision.


Originally Posted by Arlie View Post
I've been a SRF "creeper" for the past 4 months or so. I learned so much about Alcoholism from reading the threads. I've laughed at the irony and cried at the overwhelming magnitude and affect this disease has. There's been many times I could stick my name on someone elses post and call it my own, cause I was right there with them. My AH and I have been together almost 5 years, married 2. So many times I've been asked if I saw his disease before we married, and I say no. I think on some subconcious level I knew something was "off," but I am a text book Co-Dependant, and he had children I adored. I chose to move out Nov 2012, after his drinking progressed and I finally realized it wasn't my job to save him. I am responsible for me and the welfare of my own child, not him. We started counseling sessions immediately, and he said he quit drinking as soon as I left. I found alcohol hidden a month or so later in his bathroom cabinet, but he was quick to brush it off. He said he had gathered all his empty cans and was going to throw them away, but was afraid I'd see them in his recycling and think he was still drinking, so he hid them.
We quit counseling about 2 weeks ago. I can't seem to face sitting in a room, trying to find hope, only to have it destroyed almost immediately by some ridiculous accusation, text, phone call, etc.. that he'll inevitably make, trying to blame me for some thing off the wall.
I guess my point in writing is, he says he's changed. He says he stopped drinking and even started a 12 step program (for me), but feels its hard to put himself into the correct "step" because he isn't an addict, he chose to drink. I feel sorry for him and guilty because I have zero "want" to try and work it out. It seems so hard to trust that he's actually sober, and if it was so simple, maybe I labeled him an alcoholic too soon? Although his last Wife had the same issue and he's spent time in rehab and AA about 7 years ago. Maybe by posting on here, I can gain a little more insight into why I'm choosing to sit on the fence, seemingly unable to go back or completely walk away.
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Old 02-08-2013, 03:59 PM
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Welcome, Arlie.

You are facing reality, that's all, and there is no reason to feel any guilt about that, though the alcoholic would be very pleased to know you were. In recovery we have an acronym for how we can be manipulated by alcoholics: F.O.G. (fear--obligation--guilt).

You have "zero want" to work things out with him because you have faced reality and accepted that working things out with him is impossible. It is impossible.

He is still committed to drinking and to defending his drinking and to shifting blame to you for any number of meaningless things you do or are in order to make himself feel superior to you and to deflect attention from the core reason your marriage is a failure. Alcoholics are inflated, grandiose. It is always somebody else's fault, issue, or shortcoming. And they have an uncanny ability to convince others they are right.

There is nothing you can do, Arlie. He is incapable of rebuilding the marriage as an equal partner because he is not sober. Period. Reality. Counseling sessions together are futile as long as he is an active alcoholic.

Your child is more important than he is. Your child is helpless to make a safe and secure and sane home and deserves one. He's had his chance at life. He's an adult who's had every chance to make choices which were either about maturing or about escaping. So he doesn't get a vote anymore. The child comes first. Let him live the lifestyle he chooses and you can pull yourself up with dignity and build a safe and healthy life for your child. Do not let him talk you out of that noble undertaking.
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Old 02-08-2013, 06:31 PM
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Hi, Arlie,

It really doesn't matter whether he is an alcoholic (though it sounds to me like he is)--what matters is what his drinking (and your reactions to it) are doing to YOU.

I suggest you get to some Al-Anon meetings. You didn't say how young his children are, but Alateen (for kids from pre-teen through young adult) could be very helpful to them, if you are still close to them.
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Old 02-08-2013, 07:25 PM
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I've only dealt with one alcoholic in my life (thank G-d), so I'm not an expert like some here, but your H totally sounds like an alcoholic to me. Another woman had a problem with his drinking, you have a problem with his drinking, he hides his drinking, he blames you for everything, you identify with posts on SR, and you do not believe in your gut he is sober: it all spells alcoholic to me. Regardless, you need to take care of yourself and your child. I can not think of many things more difficult for a child to deal with than alcoholism. Talk about damaging and crazy making. I think you did a VERY healthy thing moving out.*
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