For me as I worked my way through recovery and did a LOT of introspection I discovered that all my anger, rage and resentments came from my expectations on how I thought my AW should behave.
I could look back over my life and see others who had treated me badly, in fact in my youth I could see those that I had actual physical fights with, yet I didn't have the anger and resentments I did with my wife even though our conflicts were strictly verbal.
She was my wife and I expected her to treat me like she loved me. I expected her to show consideration for my feelings, I expected her to be my partner and soul mate forever.
When I started to let go of my expectations on how I wanted her to behave and accepted the reality that she is what she is my rage and anger started to fade. It took time and work on my part but it worked. I no longer have those feelings very often any more. Even the resentments have faded to a large degree.
I don't have the right to expect her to behave in a manner that is contrary to her nature. No more than I have the right to expect the weather to meet my expectations.
It is a difficult concept to explain and it became clearer as I embraced detachment.
A good story that explains this better than I can:
A fox was swimming across a river when he saw a scorpion stranded on a rock. The fox said to the scorpion if you promise not to sting me I will let you ride on my head. Of course the scorpion promised and they were on their way.
About half way from the rock to the other side the scorpion stung the fox.
"Why did you do that?" said the fox, "now we will both die!".
"It's my nature" said the scorpion, "I sting things".
As for my wife, it's her nature, she's an alcoholic.
Your friend,