kale, this is the second time I've read a post of yours and have been convinced we're married to the same guy.
As a matter of fact, I watched the Master of Manipulation trying to work his magic with the pastor of our church yesterday. Last week, AH had been in charge of an event where volunteers were needed. He yelled at one of the volunteers because she didn't do things exactly as he wanted and he wound up leaving the event, and leaving everyone else buzzing with gossip. The volunteer went crying to the pastor. This is from a guy who wrote a script for the rest of the volunteers admonishing them to treat others with kindness and respect, as Christ would do.
Yesterday he spoke with the pastor about it, and thankfully the pastor would not let him off the hook. Every time he would pull an insane turnaround, the pastor called him on it. It was beautiful. The pastor spoke clearly, assertively, did not let AH's "charm" get to him and simply told AH that he did not want the member of his church putting up with that kind of BS.
I think what being in on that conversation did for me was validate (not that I need that validation anymore) that I'm not the crazy one. And it also allowed me to sit in the passenger seat for once and see it played out in a way that I could see it and be perfectly detached as a third party... and what I saw was that his behavior was really was so clearly immature, grandiose, deflecting, egotistic.. etc. Even the pastor called him out on having such a big ego.
Anyway, since the first of the year there have been a couple of really unpleasant things that have happened as a result of AH's manipulative language and unreasonable, immature behavior, so I have made a vow to simply do small talk and nothing else. I am not engaging. Period. When he baits me, I say generic things like 'uh huh'. "I hear you." "I'm sorry you feel that way."
And I'm also removing myself physically when necessary.