Originally Posted by
inpieces314 
liz, I have something to say.
I was raped when I was 17. I told the ABF years ago, before we were together. I was very drunk, didn't press charges, avoided the guy (and his wife who happened to be a good friend of mine) and that is how I got over it. Not the best way to do it, but I was a freaking child.
Now, protective order I filed on the ABF months ago stated that he raped me. Yes, he did, regardless of what he says or forgets due to drunkenness or whatever. No means no, especially in the middle of the night when you are trying to sleep and he is so drunk and belligerent that you don't know what to do. The protective order was filed for domestic abuse, although that was also in there. This is the first time I have told anyone, except the judge when I got the order, and she did not include it in the order because I told her to leave it out because I was too ashamed.
He went to rehab, got out, blah blah blah. Now we constantly (well, we did until he left) argue about sex and how he won't touch me because I am accusing him of rape and trying to send him to jail and whatever. No. I would have pressed charges on him if that were the case. I would have told someone if that were the case. I wouldn't have explained it away to the judge that it was because he was drunk (although intoxication is not a legal defense, but I specifically said I would not press charges on him so do not bother making me try). I said I am not the one telling everyone what the protective order said, YOU are. YOU are the one telling people.
Then it got worse. He started screaming at me about why don't you go get raped again, you must have liked it, it was all your fault. You know what? I didn't even care about that, it was the fact that my BROTHER is my next door neighbor and what the hell would I do if he heard all this, because I never told ANYONE else I was raped when I was 17. I am absolutely terrified that my parents are going to find out and blame me, which is why I never told them, which is exactly what the ex is doing now.
He doesn't understand, I don't think about the rape like that. When he brings it up and turns it against me, he is doing it to me psychologically all over again. And the second time around, it is worse, because I don't have alcohol to dull the pain.
I get exactly what you are saying. I have really never told anyone most of this, and I really am surprised that I actually said it now, but I get what you mean, because you can't have sex with someone who is going to throw everything like that at you, but of course, they love you, duh.
And he denied ever saying any of it. I don't care. I know what I said, he knows what he said, and you best believe, I don't forgive that easily. The psychological damage being caused goes waaaaaayyyy beyond the relationship, sex-or lack thereof, or whatever. That stuff is out of control.
Anyway, I don't blame you one bit, you are hurt, angry, confused, and he needs to get the fact that you don't just randomly have sex with people. If he is not willing to try to make it up to you, then fine, don't blame yourself. This is HIS fault, don't forget that.
I'm so sorry. Yes, the psychological damage is the hardest part. Our bodies heal physically, but our minds are quite the machine.
:ghug3 Great big hugs to you! What I've learned about my rape is that, no matter the circumstances, if it isn't consensual then it's not right, period. My circumstances were similar except it was a complete stranger and we were totally plastered. I blacked out, he raped me, and I woke up horrified in a strange place with a few pieces of memory of what happened. He knew he raped me, he apologized profusely, he was sincerely sorry, and he walked me back to my friend's dorm room( I was visiting a high school friend at her college so I was unfamiliar with the campus). I had no problem forgiving this guy. We both made a mistake, he just took his side too far. Yes, it hurt and it hurt my pride too, but I hold no ill will towards him. Honestly, I was molested when I was 7 and I had a whole heck of a TON of resentment towards those guys than I did toward the rape. And, some(almost all actually) of my sexual issues are due to my molestation not the rape, so I don't know why AH clings to that event. I guess it's harder to throw a 7 year old's memory under the bus than it is for a 19 year old.
About 7 years ago my AH stopped initiating sex. He said that he didn't want to force or coerce me to do anything I didn't want to do, you know because I was a rape victim. He complained that I turned him down too often. Well, heck yes I did. I had a child who ran me ragged all day and housework(I had to have a perfect house so he didn't have anything to complain about) and I was tired. He would sit on the couch from about 3 PM to 11 PM and not help me with dinner preparation or clean up, not help me get our son ready for bed with bathtime or storytime, and he'd sit there and get angry that I was too tired for sex. Honestly, a lot of that is my fault because I didn't nag him to help me but he made it clear that his fiance(an older woman he dated before me for 5 years) was a nag and that he didn't care for that quality in a woman. So, I tried to negotiate and made some helpful suggestions regarding our sex life.
But, instead of taking my cue about trying to put sex on a schedule and plan it into our week, he decided to get all passive aggressive about it and place the ball in my court. He told me that sex will ALWAYS be initiated by ME, not by him anymore. Honestly, our sex life was so crazy weird like that before the drinking started that it's another piece of baggage I have to sort through in therapy. And, he loves to blame my rape when it's convenient for him.
Sigh, we have so much crap to work through. Scratch that, I HAVE SO MUCH CRAP to keep working through.