Thanks G. I've tried lots of things but find reasons to not continue. I tried NA recently and even got the names/ numbers of potential sponsors but know I will not follow through with the steps, so it seems pointless. Beyond that, I don't want to identify myself as an addict. I don't want NA meetings my whole life, don't want to be part of that or anything that revolves around drugs. I have no drug-using friends and never talk about what's going on with the friends I do have (I always and only use/ used alone, and in secrecy.) I've become so accustomed to "white-knuckling" it through this, and life in general, it's the norm, I'm used to it, and other than the knowing there could be more peace without it, I'm comfortable enough here. Seems better than confronting any of it anymore, which only stirs up conflict and general disruption of whatever meager peace I've mustered. Apparently I've given up trying to fight anymore. Which seems better than fighting.