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backing off

Old 02-01-2013, 11:18 AM
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backing off

For about the duration of the month of December I decided to finally, finally, do something about this persistent addiction that has been actively with me for 26 years. Not a day has passed since the mid 1980's I haven't used or thought about using. (barely using at all for six years now.) Just thinking about it is pacifying enough, usually.

What a brain drain such activity is! Can't be healthy, and could be destructive. So I set out to aggressively attack it. What a miserable month December was! Every step I took to rid myself of it, it sunk itself in deeper, even prompting action to use. I woke it up and it wasn't happy.

So I backed off. It crawled back in its hole, patiently waiting for me, reminding me it's there, but leaving me alone for the most part. This is the way I'm living. Far better than fighting it every day because I know I cannot beat it. I know I'll never stop wanting to use. And yet, knowing I don't NEED to, and most likely won't, seems good enough. Is not that close to the life a recovering addict lives?
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:23 AM
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Wow, that really does sound exhausting! Honestly, if I had to white-knuckle it all the time, there's no way I would be sober. Six years is a long time to white-knuckle it (although you did say "barely" using, so that could mean a lot of things)! Have you tried any different programs for recovery or counseling or anything? Sobriety doesn't have to be about just being drug/alcohol free. I honestly don't think about drinking any more. I don't want to drink any more. I've had the occasional thought or craving, but it's very temporary. That's what sobriety has done for me. You can find peace, too!
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:31 AM
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Thanks G. I've tried lots of things but find reasons to not continue. I tried NA recently and even got the names/ numbers of potential sponsors but know I will not follow through with the steps, so it seems pointless. Beyond that, I don't want to identify myself as an addict. I don't want NA meetings my whole life, don't want to be part of that or anything that revolves around drugs. I have no drug-using friends and never talk about what's going on with the friends I do have (I always and only use/ used alone, and in secrecy.) I've become so accustomed to "white-knuckling" it through this, and life in general, it's the norm, I'm used to it, and other than the knowing there could be more peace without it, I'm comfortable enough here. Seems better than confronting any of it anymore, which only stirs up conflict and general disruption of whatever meager peace I've mustered. Apparently I've given up trying to fight anymore. Which seems better than fighting.
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:43 AM
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I would say that whatever works for you and makes you happy is what you should keep doing. But it doesn't sound like you're happy at all in your sobriety. Maybe I'm reading your original post wrong. The way I'm understanding your posts, you know you don't want to use any more, but you don't want to work for sobriety or make any changes in your life to be happy in sobriety (it doesn't matter if that's NA or something else, although you said you didn't even give NA a chance). Maybe I'm misinterpreting what you wrote. So if you're content, keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting.
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:46 AM
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I think when we've been engaged in the battle for a long time (26 years for you), the mental part isn't going to go away as quickly. I found that the concept of AVRT (as well as mindfulness) helped me a lot...... if I can look at my thoughts as simply that, just thoughts, and not get involved in them but just see them as old thoughts left over from my days of addiction, it helps me put them in perspective.

I like that you're declaring that you're in charge, not your addiction. It will eventually get the message. Hang in there!:ghug3
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:00 PM
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andisa, I agree with artsoul wholeheartedly. AVRT is not a program, it's a technique. There are no meetings, and self identification as an addict is optional. If you don't use, and will never use again, what exactly are you addicted to?

AVRT is about acceptance of the fact that urges will come but they will also go again, and it's about separating the source of those urges from your thinking rational brain. It is only a model of addiction, but I found it to be very helpful.

There is a lot of good information specifically about AVRT in our Secular Connections forum. It might be helpful for you.
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Old 02-02-2013, 04:20 AM
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These responses are very important, illuminating. Even while trying to always keep an open mind, in this relatively closed, protected environment of secrecy and fear, not much gets past that barrier anymore.

Each of you presented an extremely relevant point, I won't elaborate, it's self-evident to me, and if anyone else reads this and is open to receive, well how wonderful is that.

And I appreciate further that you three took a moment to offer your thoughts. The protection barriers I construct serve a purpose well, but also tend to isolate and restrict.
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