Wow, that really does sound exhausting! Honestly, if I had to white-knuckle it all the time, there's no way I would be sober. Six years is a long time to white-knuckle it (although you did say "barely" using, so that could mean a lot of things)! Have you tried any different programs for recovery or counseling or anything? Sobriety doesn't have to be about just being drug/alcohol free. I honestly don't think about drinking any more. I don't want to drink any more. I've had the occasional thought or craving, but it's very temporary. That's what sobriety has done for me. You can find peace, too!