so hard to accept
I think I am having trouble accepting I am married to an alcoholic. It just seems so unreal since my AH was not drinking for almost a year until this week. He was going to AA meetings twice a week and every time I brought up in discussion how it seemed like he was having a hard time he told me how he did not want to drink and was not going to.
I am away this week and he is taking care of our 11 year old and 15 year old. The 15 year old is pretty independent and the 11 year got sick and is home from school so AH had to work from home and he seemed to be ok with that. I had been speaking with him during the day so I wasn't aware of what was going on until tonight when I called him in the evening. It's like he was just abstaining from alcohol when I was there and he is right back to drinking. I spoke with my 15 yo and she told me yes he is drinking. Everyone is safe as he is a quiet drunk and as before he functions and does what he needs to do and ends the day with alcohol.
Earlier this week, he did tell me he would not have time to go to his meeting and I suggested he still go as 15 yo could take care when he was not there. It seems like he just let his program go and is doing nothing to manage his disease.
I know he was very early in recovery and now I am so disappointed as it doesn't seem he is really moving along that path, only just abstaining when I am there and welcoming opportunities to drink when I am not.
Before I left it did seem as if he was looking forward to me not being there and I thought he might drink but it just doesn't make sense that he's gone for this long period of time without drinking.
If he has been drinking this week, I know what I am coming home to and I don't want to be with the person he is when he is actively drinking. He is a good person but I just don't want this for the rest of my life. I guess I truly believed in not drinking and working on recovery but I am afraid it just isn't so for my AH.
I am so disappointed and sad. Thank you all for being here.