so hard to accept

Old 01-31-2013, 07:11 PM
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so hard to accept

I think I am having trouble accepting I am married to an alcoholic. It just seems so unreal since my AH was not drinking for almost a year until this week. He was going to AA meetings twice a week and every time I brought up in discussion how it seemed like he was having a hard time he told me how he did not want to drink and was not going to.

I am away this week and he is taking care of our 11 year old and 15 year old. The 15 year old is pretty independent and the 11 year got sick and is home from school so AH had to work from home and he seemed to be ok with that. I had been speaking with him during the day so I wasn't aware of what was going on until tonight when I called him in the evening. It's like he was just abstaining from alcohol when I was there and he is right back to drinking. I spoke with my 15 yo and she told me yes he is drinking. Everyone is safe as he is a quiet drunk and as before he functions and does what he needs to do and ends the day with alcohol.

Earlier this week, he did tell me he would not have time to go to his meeting and I suggested he still go as 15 yo could take care when he was not there. It seems like he just let his program go and is doing nothing to manage his disease.

I know he was very early in recovery and now I am so disappointed as it doesn't seem he is really moving along that path, only just abstaining when I am there and welcoming opportunities to drink when I am not.

Before I left it did seem as if he was looking forward to me not being there and I thought he might drink but it just doesn't make sense that he's gone for this long period of time without drinking.

If he has been drinking this week, I know what I am coming home to and I don't want to be with the person he is when he is actively drinking. He is a good person but I just don't want this for the rest of my life. I guess I truly believed in not drinking and working on recovery but I am afraid it just isn't so for my AH.

I am so disappointed and sad. Thank you all for being here.
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Old 01-31-2013, 07:40 PM
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I know how disappointed you feel. All I can say is that it's cunning, baffling, and powerful.

No way to say for sure that it only started this week, either.

When will you be home?
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:21 PM
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I have a flight back home on Wednesday but I am feeling like I need to go home sooner. This was a trip for me to enjoy some time away and being with my FOO. My kids are pretty self sufficient so except for 11 yo getting sick there is not much for my AH to have to handle. They go to school and are fairly responsible and AH likes to cook.

This is the first time I have taken time for myself for more than 2 days.

I am starting to wonder what I was thinking when I decided to go on this trip. My sister and I drove and it took us two days to get to our destination and I am enjoying time with people I haven't seen in a while.

I am tired now and can't make any decisions. Hopefully after sleep I will have a clearer head and can decide if I need to cut my trip short.
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Old 02-01-2013, 05:07 AM
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You can't put your whole life on hold to watch him in case he relapses. It sounds as if the kids are safe, though you might want to be sure the 15 y/o knows who to call if she needs any help.

Hugs, hope you at least got a chance to recharge your batteries a little.
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Old 02-01-2013, 08:35 AM
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everyone dances with the alcohol

So now my 19 yo is coming home from college this weekend because when she spoke with 15 yo she thought it would be a good idea.

Originally my AH tried to tell my 19 yo not to come home because 11 yo was sick and 19 yo was sick and he didn't think it was a good idea. My take was that he was just trying to keep his drinking under wraps.

I spoke to AH this morning and calmly said, it's obvious you have been drinking and what are you going to do about it. He of course denies the drinking and he tells me DD is coming home today and he will go to a meeting tonight. I ask will you go there straight from work and which meeting is it. He claims he will come home for dinner first and then he couldn't remember which location meeting was at.

Ok, so maybe I need to give him the benefit of the doubt. But the big picture is we all get pulled into this.

Maybe I naively think the alcoholic in recovery reaches out to his program and his family instead of us trying to stop gap what is going on.

I am grateful for this time away and will cherish it but I need to make more changes to prevent my kids from being pulled into this crap.
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:34 AM
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Oh man, dancingnow, I'm sorry this is happening while you are away trying to enjoy a well-earned break.

My STBXAH likes to drink while I am away. He loves when I am away. Now we are on opposite sides of the ocean and he can drink all he wants. So he's gotten alot worse - fast.

I am sorry, but do you think he's just started drinking now, or is it possible this isn't the first time this year? He got down to business pretty quick if you just left a few days ago?

Sometimes we want to believe so badly that our A's are telling the truth. But in our hearts we know. And so do our children. I have children 15, 12, 9 and 6. The older two have been alot more affected by the alcoholism in their lives than I wanted to believe. I think it is great that your 19 yr old is going to stay there. Maybe you have friends that could pop over too? Or the kids could go sleep at a friend's? You should have your time away but I wouln't want hubby bingong unsupervised, personally. Course, mine isn't the nice quiet kind like yours.

I hope things get clearer for you. I hate being in a muddle about this stuff.
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:35 AM
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I'm genuinely sorry you have to go through this misery, of course it hurts a lot. Unfortunately it's very common for alcoholics to relapse, your husband seems fairly typical to me. Alcoholics' mental process is very different from "civilians" and logic doesn't apply. I've been sober a long time (also codependent). Part of the psyche is denial and rationalization and it takes time and a great deal of hard work to keep them in check. I hope you can go to Alanon, it is one of the best things I've ever done. It saved my sanity during a time I had to leave a very bad relationship.

In order to stay sober an alcoholic must attend 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor and stay away from places alcohol is served. Bill Wilson said it takes brutal honesty and willingness to work the program.

I know it's hard to accept the fact that there's nothing you can do or say that will get your husband to stop drinking. The ball is in his court. You can take care of yourself and the children by deciding what is right for you.
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Old 02-01-2013, 05:54 PM
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"Sometimes we want to believe so badly that our A's are telling the truth. But in our hearts we know." -pippi

So sad; but so very true.
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