Thank you all for your comments. They are very much appreciated.
I guess thinking about it, what I'm saying is that perhaps at this stage of my recovery, SR is not right for me. When I'm not thinking my addiction and focusing on the whole quitting thing (ie. at the gym or at McDonalds playing with my kid), I feel fine - Close to what I remember as being "normal" in fact. Then when I come online I'm reminded about all the bad times and withdrawal syptoms and my anxiety shifts into overdrive. I have no idea exactly why, it's just like something triggers in the back of my brain. It's like all it takes is the tiniest seed to be planted, and within seconds my head is full of an entire oak tree. The anxiety attacks start, and I am convinced I'm going to die. Positive or negative, the post content never made any difference.
Towards the end, I didn't drink because I wanted to get drunk, or to have a good time and be social, or even to just relieve boredom which is somewhat why I started in the first place. I drank to stop the physical and emotional symptoms that not drinking would bring. Point blank, I ironically drank to be well...
I guess it really doesn't help that when I drank, I would be sitting in front of the computer for hours on end. This is where I did my dirty business, right here in this spot. The computer is somewhat of a trigger (I guess you could say) for me.
I know I'm ranting and probably not really making much sense and coming off as all "Oh, poor me!", because tbh, reading back, it doesn't even make any to me and even I want to give myself a good shake and say "SNAP OUT OF IT!!!". I just want this to work so bad, because sadly, you guys are all I have.
Thanks for listening. I'm going to go have a cry now, then I think I'm going to move my computer into another room to change surroundings.
RQ