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Is it just me?

Old 01-30-2013, 08:11 PM
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Is it just me?

Hello

I'm finding that the more I read through the various threads on this forum, the more I want a drink... I have no idea why, and it really bothers me because I really want the help and the support that you guys offer, but it seems to have the opposite effect that it should.

For example, I went to the gym this morning and took my 2 year old to McDonalds for lunch after. I remember thinking "this is an oddly fantastic sensation!" For the first time in a long time I was very aware of everything that was going on around me. We returned home and I jumped on the forum with the intention of sharing my new-found feelings. However, after reading through a few of the recent posts I started to forget that feeling and a dark cloud seemed to form over my head. I am now craving a drink, and the feeling of anxiety is extremely overwhelming... Is it all just in my head? Or have others noticed this too??

RQ
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:30 PM
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I have noticed something similar and just had a thought about why it happens for me. Reading this site reminds me of my problem which I can forget when I am occupied with other thoughts. But I think it means I have just been ignoring the problem and not dealing with it. I think that if I am able to read threads here without it somehow make the thought of drinking OK that will be an important positive step in my recovery.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:31 PM
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I think it is "all in your head" to a certain extent, because it's in all of OUR heads, too. When I first got sober, I thought about drinking 24/7 and my addiction tried every possible trick in the book. It's just like dieting - we don't think about that chocolate cake nearly as much as when we decide we can't have it.

I promise it will get better. You'll have longer and longer periods of not thinking about drinking, and more of those good experiences. Cravings can get really uncomfortable, but they do go away,so hang in there!:ghug3
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:32 PM
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Hi and welcome

I think sometimes thinking about the task ahead can make us anxious or uncomfortable...and for most of us in early recovery, anxiety or being uncomfortable can still make us want to drink.

Stick with it - I think learning that we can feel the feeling and not act on it is a great skill to learn...

you'll find it easier as time goes on

D
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:59 PM
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Being excited and enjoying ourselves being away from alcohol lowers our defensive walls and melts much of our coldness to being empathetic with others -- we start to care about caring for ourselves and others.

This kind of selflessness is very appealing after being so frigged up with alcohol/drugs. Feeling so open can often work against us when we don't have a lot of experience with 'feelin' alright' while being clean n' sober.

I would suggest just forget about it, and concentrate on the goodness of your earlier attitude of enjoying being sober, even if sometimes you're reminded about where you've been, and how you've felt before.

Things do become more stable and comfortable, and you'll soon enough be able to have empathy for others without dragging yourself into emotional hell, I'm sure.

Welcome to SR!

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Old 01-31-2013, 03:27 AM
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It doesn't give me the immediate sensation of wanting a drink. However, sometimes I read someone else's post about how bad their drinking was, and it plants this seed in my head, "Well, I'm not THAT bad. I'm not a REAL alcoholic like that guy. I still have SOME control."

I remember having the same thoughts as I listened to the stories at my first AA meeting some 20+ years ago. My drinking is much worse now than it was then. I can see now that if I don't stop it will continue to get worse. I don't really want to be the guy with the worst ever alcoholic stories on Sober Recovery.
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:46 AM
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For many years I noted that I had just as much anxiety when I felt very good, as when I felt very bad.

The crash back to reality after a really nice experience was very hard for me to take.

I don't know if I feel all that much better about it now but I don't drink over it, or drug over it, and that's pretty huge in and of itself.

I generally don't crave a drink, but it's happened a few times under duress..but I have enough experience under my belt concerning what happens if I do drink, or if I don't drink. Not drinking is the better experience.

Sometimes reading on SR does trigger me, so I log off for awhile. I have other recovery resources, or I just go do something else for awhile. Read, call a friend, sleep, whatever.

Sometimes I just don't want to hear about other people's problems. Sometimes I don't want to hear about their successes either. Sometimes I don't want to let the voices in my head compare me as better, worse, average etc to anyone. So I go to a site as different from this as possible. Or read a book, or anything that helps me integrate with me again.

Music is a huge help to me.

It doesn't matter if my triggers make sense to me or anyone else. I have learned to respect them and back off...when I am feeling strong again, I can analyze them, but in the midst, it's better to take a breather and do something positive.
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:47 AM
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Reading certain posts at times makes me want to drink, but it does pass and is much more infrequent. You learn what is a trigger. TV can sometimes glamourize cocktails which stays with me, something about clinking ice cubes.
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Old 01-31-2013, 06:51 AM
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when i got anxious about drinking i came here and i did find that it made it heightened.
but i read all the negative, drinking posts. i should have been reading the gratitude posts at that time
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Old 01-31-2013, 07:13 AM
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Well, I think it's not realistic to expect that "oddly fantastic sensation" to stay with you permanently. Life will come along with its ups and downs and there will be some tough days. I am not urged to drink when I read here, but I do tend to look for positive, inspiriting posts, too.
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Old 01-31-2013, 07:16 AM
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no, it's not just you.
that used to happen to me early on when i went to a meeting. no matter how "bad" the stories, there'd be that triggered reaction.
i think it was just the concentrated intense focus on "the problem" for that hour that resulted in a reaction like that.
as others point out, it gets easier.
keep going.
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Old 01-31-2013, 11:06 AM
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Yes, that happens to me too. I've found that there are just some times when being on SR isn't helpful. I either get overwhelmed by how reading how much of a struggle it really is, or reading a post might bring up a fun memory of drinking. Those times I just realize I need to take a step away. There have been many more days where I needed to be here, and got a huge benefit from what I was reading. I also notice that some days I can do replies and give support and others I don't have it in me.

If you can hang on to any good experiences and focus on how you're feeling it's a great tool for remembering why you want to be sober in the first place.
Often, it was great because you were experiencing it with a clear head and were able to fully feel the emotions. It feels like a gift that sobriety has delivered.
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Old 01-31-2013, 11:31 AM
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I'll share with you why SR is important to me.

My urge or drinking thoughts are crushed when I post that I have an alcohol dependency that is in remission. If I drink this addiction will utterly destroy all that is good in my life and slowly kill me.

My AV wants me to believe I'm not as bad as other SR members? I'm not interested in that discussion.

My AV is there, but it can **** off and take the cravings with it.

Booze will ruin me.

So no, nothing I read on SR tempts me to drink.
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Old 01-31-2013, 12:11 PM
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I found that before I really committed to quiting drinking that AA meetings did the same thing. I did not want it thrown in my face what being an alcoholic was really like. All I can say is when I totally gave up the fight all of a sudden AA meetings took on a whole different light. I sure the meetings did not change but I did.
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Old 01-31-2013, 01:28 PM
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Thank you all for your comments. They are very much appreciated.

I guess thinking about it, what I'm saying is that perhaps at this stage of my recovery, SR is not right for me. When I'm not thinking my addiction and focusing on the whole quitting thing (ie. at the gym or at McDonalds playing with my kid), I feel fine - Close to what I remember as being "normal" in fact. Then when I come online I'm reminded about all the bad times and withdrawal syptoms and my anxiety shifts into overdrive. I have no idea exactly why, it's just like something triggers in the back of my brain. It's like all it takes is the tiniest seed to be planted, and within seconds my head is full of an entire oak tree. The anxiety attacks start, and I am convinced I'm going to die. Positive or negative, the post content never made any difference.

Towards the end, I didn't drink because I wanted to get drunk, or to have a good time and be social, or even to just relieve boredom which is somewhat why I started in the first place. I drank to stop the physical and emotional symptoms that not drinking would bring. Point blank, I ironically drank to be well...

I guess it really doesn't help that when I drank, I would be sitting in front of the computer for hours on end. This is where I did my dirty business, right here in this spot. The computer is somewhat of a trigger (I guess you could say) for me.

I know I'm ranting and probably not really making much sense and coming off as all "Oh, poor me!", because tbh, reading back, it doesn't even make any to me and even I want to give myself a good shake and say "SNAP OUT OF IT!!!". I just want this to work so bad, because sadly, you guys are all I have.

Thanks for listening. I'm going to go have a cry now, then I think I'm going to move my computer into another room to change surroundings.

RQ
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Old 01-31-2013, 01:41 PM
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Point blank, I ironically drank to be well...
I think most of us did that - whether we were self medicating, or drinking for boredom, or just to 'feel good' or whatever else.

I don't really think you're as different as you might think RQ...but if you feel SR's not helping, I think thats a shame, but that's absolutely your call - do find something that does help tho...

Above all, don't let your addiction convince you that you can't do anything or think about this...it would like that very much.

Like all of us, you're worth fighting for

D
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Old 01-31-2013, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I don't really think you're as different as you might think RQ...
Oh, I'm by no means saying that I am any different from anyone else, and I'm sorry that I came across that way.

I am just so frustrated that at this point SR is the only option for me and I desperately want it to work for me. I'm in my very early days of my first *real* (an hopefully *only*) attempt and this is all very scary. I've never been through anything even remotely similar to this in my life, nor do I know anyone else who has. I'm very much alone in this whole experience and the point of my OP was because I guess I needed some sort of reassurance that what I'm feeling was somewhat normal. I know I sidetracked a little in my second post, and again, probably didn't get across what I had intended to.

RQ
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Xune View Post
My urge or drinking thoughts are crushed when I post that I have an alcohol dependency that is in remission.
Rocket Queen, this is the way that SR can help you with sobriety. Tell us something like, "I'm only going through withdrawal once."
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by RocketQueen View Post

I guess it really doesn't help that when I drank, I would be sitting in front of the computer for hours on end. This is where I did my dirty business, right here in this spot. The computer is somewhat of a trigger (I guess you could say) for me.

I'm going to go have a cry now, then I think I'm going to move my computer into another room to change surroundings.

RQ
Hey RocketQueen - you named the problem! I was going to suggest that you either use your phone (there is an app!)
move the PC or if you have a laptop and wifi go outside. I just think its the the habit of what you used to do. Ignore the story threads about past behavior, for now.

Look I'm 30 days without alcohol and I had a pretty big habit... i did my drinking in front of the TV ...and it still bugs but is way better. The Superbowl is going to be tough!

If this seems like your only way to feel supported...I think it might be worth feeling your feelings and just know it will pass.
Best of Luck
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:52 PM
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Hi Rocketqueen,

Congratulations on your effort to be sober, and on your honesty about your feelings on SR.

I remember posting here on my early-early days (I'm still only at day 46), wondering about possible negative effects of this site. I had (still have) a lot of anxiety and tension headaches that seem to get worse on the site, & other times when I'm thinking a lot about my alcoholism, and in AA meetings.

Experience is starting to show me a few things: 1) the bad headaches are at least partly relieved by speaking to other alcoholics; 2) posting to a Gratitude List is always soothing (it's the first thing I do every morning, unless I wake up very negative, in which case I wait until I can be grateful for coffee LOL); 3) being part of a smaller community on SR that I can "get to know" -- in my case, the class for the month I quit drinking -- gives me a sense of groundedness here.

I don't know for a fact, but I think that if I just "didn't drink" and focused on other things in my life, I'd start drinking again soon. I need to work through the pain that brought me to alcoholism, even if doing so is uncomfortable & makes me want to numb the pain w/booze. I'm hoping for a real change, not just a dry spell.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck with your recovery, wherever/however you find it!
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