As I read your post, I saw how my marriage could have deteriorated had something not changed (me). It is hard enough to deal with addiction but add to that a hardcore enabler and that's a mix that could make anyone nuts. In a way, it's like dealing with two addicts but there's a false sense that one of them must be "ok" because they aren't using a substance. The sad truth is that usually, the enabling codependent is every bit as sick as the addict. I was.
Luckily, without ever having stepped into a 12 step program, my dear husband has more "program knowledge" than many who have spent years in those rooms. His calm detachment from me (the enabling codependent) and our son (the addict) was what kept our marriage together.
If he had tried to get between me and my son.....it would have had as poor a result as I was getting trying to get between my son and his DOC. It magnifies the problem. Instead, he stepped back and detached from both of us with love. In other words, he took care of himself and set boundaries but never told me what I had to do. But I believe that if I had not begun my own recovery, it could very likely have ended in divorce.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is to show by example how to detach and how to work a program of recovery. Addiction has far reaching tentacles and I hope and pray that you and your wife can prioritize yourselves and your marriage so that those tentacles don't strangle the love you have shared over so many years.
gentle hugs
ke