I need help dealing with my 20 year old drug addicted son...

Old 01-30-2013, 03:50 PM
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I need help dealing with my 20 year old drug addicted son...

Hi,

Just a bit of background... I have been sober for most of my adult life with a few slips mixed in (one just recently). I think I could probably count on my hands the number of times my kids have witnessed me under the influence (alcohol is my issue by the way)...

Anyhow a couple months ago my 20 year old son got violent and was put on a 72 hour mental hold. At the request of my wife I went and visited him and told him basically that he wasn't welcome in our home unless some drastic changes were made. He agreed to all kinds of things, including going to AA meetings with me even though his DOC is marijuana.

When my wife and I went and picked him up, he admitted to her that he had been a drug addict for 5 years and has pretty much done everything except heroin. He was hospitalized while coming off meth by the way.

Anyhow things went well for about 2 weeks. Then he was right back to his old self. I told him that if he was using drugs he had to leave. My wife had a hard time with this but she supported my decision and we kicked him out of the house.

After less than two weeks he had his Mom (my wife) convinced that he was no longer using drugs and would agree to all my terms if he could come back home. Drug tests, get a job, etc...

He had a really bad attitude with me while we were discussing the rules and I told him he might as well leave. My wife got involved and said he is not leaving!

So we tested him and he came up positive for marijuana and benzo's (xanex that my wife had apparantly given him).

That was on Jan 16th. I basically told him he needed to have a job and test clean in 30 days. Since then I have smelled marijuana coming out of his room and I know for a fact he is still using and will test positive on the 16th when we retest him.

All he does is smoke pot, go to porn sites and play world of war craft. He hasn't been able to sustain a real job for any period of time.

My wife is totally enabling him. Today she let him use her (our) creditcard to renew his world of warcraft account. Because I monitor his computer usage and our account I called my wife. She stated he helped me clean the barn. Now keep in mind I pay for his car, insurance, phone. Part of the deal was that he would help around the house until he found a job. I find her giving him money so he can vegitate online totally out of line.

On the 16th her and I are going to go at it because I know she is not going to want me to kick him out of the house. Everyone I've talked to agree I am doing the right thing with the "tough love", except her.

Sorry for the long rant but I don't know what to do. I am ready to leave her because I just can't take it any longer. It almost seems like she cares about him more than me and if she has anything to say about it she will enable him (using my income) forever. She does not work, so if I leave we will certainly lose the house. The problem is I have two other boys and if I just up and leave we will lose everything, etc, etc so now it feels like I am being backed into a corner because it's a lose lose situation.

If it wasn't for him my wife and I wouldn't have many issues. We have been together for 26 years and married for 21.

Any advise would be appreciated...
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:03 PM
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I'd say that you are right, your wife is a world class enabler. Is there a reason that your wife doesn't work?

Sometimes we codies become as sick, if not, sicler than the addict themselves.

You are faced with some hard decisions, can't tell you what to do, however, perhaps reading around this site might give you some insight. Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum, cynical one's blogs and possibly consider some Naranon meetings for you and your wife...unfortunately you cannot force her to go, but, that doesn't mean that you cannot do so.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:09 PM
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Regarding the job thing... She claims that I wouldn't let her work... This is kind of BS because I have been asking her to get a job since the economy crashed a few years back. She has always claimed that with taking the kids to school, etc, etc, she doesn't have time to work. However when we discussed it the other day she twisted it around and blamed me..

Anyhow thanks for the advise... I'll browse around and see what I can find...
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:15 PM
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In my experience. W.O.W is an addiction all on its own, with its own withdrawl. Im sorry I don't have any advice for you, Im surprised the topic of the damage MMOs cause in families is not discussed more often here. I played to lvl 30 and realized I had a problem, but I needed help. It is really really really hard to put that game down. I believe that WOW is just as dangerous as drugs because at least in my mind "its not a drug. Im not breaking the law. Im not an alcoholic" oh... this post touched me, Im not denying the other problems, Im just not as experienced in them. His addiction to WOW is the one that scares me though because it is the most easily justified. there are many here who are very wise (wiser than me. lol ) and Al anon is awesome
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:19 PM
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I am sorry you are having trouble with your son. There are lots of parents here of teenaged and twenty-something addicts, using, recovering, and not-so-much recovering. I am the mother of a 19 y.o. RAD. Heroin was her DOC. She's been clean since late June 2012. It has been a rough ride but I am really proud of her sobriety.

My first concern is that you and your wife are not on the same page. Perhaps she'd be willing to read some of our stories--all collected here to connect with and learn from--and perhaps she'd see that she is prolonging his recovery by her rescuing and enabling. Many of us are addicted to our addicts, and equally addicted to our fears of putting them out, so we are in need of recovery, too. Maybe you two could attend a NarAnon meeting in your area?

How does he fund his drug use? The computer games seem like a real bonus--what incentive does he have to change his ways? My daughter had to be put out of both her aunt's house and my house before she took her recovery seriously.

What a shame for your marriage to suffer, and for your other two boys to witness this troubling behavior on all sides. My 15 y.o. daughter is still recovering herself from her sister's near death by overdose, and has what I consider PTSD as a result. (She has been going to Alateen and getting a lot of support that way--I highly recommend it.) Please take their mental health as seriously as his drug problem. He's 20. He can make it on his own now.

Keep reading here, and keep working the program. It helps so much.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:57 PM
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I have another question... (I hope that is OK)... So I get home and I am of course PO'd about the world of warcraft charge and her continued enabling... One thing leads to another and she says stop talking to me like your my shrink... ????

It gets a little heated... Splitting up... Losing the house is mentioned and then the bomb shell:

She says, "I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you"...

What does that even mean????

It's obvious we need to work on our relationship and I tried to patch things up the best I could. She did acknowledge that our son will have to leave if he indeed tests dirty so I guess that is a plus. It just seems like she just doesn't want to talk about any serious issues and constantly brings up things I have done in the past to try to change the subject when we do talk about things that I feel are important to talk about...

Is there even any hope for us? Is it too late? Am I just being too sensitive and over reacting?

I am soo lost... 26 years and this is where we end up? WOW... Any advise would be appreciated...

Thanks much!
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:06 PM
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For many years my husband enabled our son, starting when our son was a young teenager. I thought our son was heading down a dangerous path, my husband didn't. Fast forward ten years and our son became a heroin addict.

When our son was ordered to rehab, my husband insisted he move back home with us after rehab. I knew we needed an outside source to help us navigate the days ahead so I found a counselor. The people here on this forum also have lots to offer in the way of their experiences.

The best thing that happened was when our son moved out. Until that day he didn't take responsibility for himself. I think so often adult children living at home are stunted emotionally. As parents it is hard to enforce limits.

I hope you can sort out your situation. It is a difficult place for a couple to be when they are not on the same page.
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:09 PM
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One other idea. Check out the Marriage Builders website for your marriage problems. Your communication problems need some work and the website will give you lots of practical ideas how to go about it.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:42 PM
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I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I used to be your wife and my son is your son. Weed and then a whole of other things, addicted to world of warcraft to the point of playing until 4 every morning, unable to hold a job. Doing nothing but being holed up in his room day after day. I was always as worried about WOW as about the drugs, because my son was unable to participate in life because he was caught up in a make believe world.

I enabled my son for many years, employed him, helped him out, gave him a place to stay. The result was that he just spiralled deeper and deeper into all his addictions as he didn't have to take responsibility for his actions, I was always there as his safety net.

Friends tried to show me what I was doing, but I just avoided them. I had to get to the point where I had enough to take action. In total it took me 10 years. I woke up one day and knew I could do it no longer and my son left that very day. It was also the time I found SR and it was good to understand that the point I reached was reached by many other people and I didn't have to feel guilty.

You are in a tough situation and I don't know how long it will take your wife to realise that she is as unhealthy as your son at the moment. Would she be prepared to go to NA or join SR?
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Old 01-30-2013, 10:18 PM
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Re: her words about love, don't take that or anything said during this terribly stressful time to heart.

Could you get her to join you for counseling to work on getting back on the same page? Putting your marriage first instead of letting a drug addiction be the focus?
Obviously you have done something right to be together for 26 years.

Also see if she will do some reading here? Because what she needs to be doing is so contrary to logic that most of us couldn't figure it out on our own.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:13 AM
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Having an addicted child can destroy a marriage. Under the premise of "put your own oxygen mask first," you and your wife need to get on the page before you can decide what to do about your son. Would she agree to go to couples counseling with you - preferably seeing a therapist who has experience with addiction? If not, I'd recommend you go yourself.

I can understand where your wife is coming from - this is her child, and she feels if she "loves him enough" she can save him. So- she's ramped up her "caring" to toxic levels...but understand that it stems from her fear that if she doesn't , she'll lose him. Unfortunately, just as you can't tell an addict to "just stop" you can't tell a codependent to "just stop," either.

If your son is using meth, things are very serious. Is she a reader? Nic Sheff's "A Beautiful Boy" details his struggles with his son's meth addiction...perhaps reading it would help your wife understand what you're dealing with. "Stay Close" by Libby Cataldi is a mother's story of coming to terms with her son's addiction. Reading some one else's journey might help her view her actions differently, and ready her to start detaching with love.

In the meantime, you need to focus on yourself, and define your boundaries. While you attend AA, you might also benefit from attending AlAnon meetings as well.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:40 AM
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In South Korea, internet game addiction is very serious. They even have rehabs for it. People can stay up for days with little food/water playing the game. Mixed with pot & porn is a completely altered state of mind.
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Old 01-31-2013, 06:42 AM
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The situation with your son sucks but it isn't something you can change overnight - especially if you and your wife completely disagree on how to approach it.

Sounds like the bigger problem is your relationship with your wife. And that's 50% your problem.

Have you considered couples counseling? If you want to stay married, have a chance at a fulfilling relationship and ever want to address the issue of supporting a drug addicted adult under your roof, I hope you will suggest it to your wife.

Whoever said put on your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others put on theirs is right.

Focus on fixing your own problems and your own mental health. Then you'll be in much better shape to confront all those other issues that are affecting your quality of life.

Another thing you might consider is alanon - invite your wife to go with you. But if she won't go, then go with out her.
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Old 01-31-2013, 07:10 AM
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As I read your post, I saw how my marriage could have deteriorated had something not changed (me). It is hard enough to deal with addiction but add to that a hardcore enabler and that's a mix that could make anyone nuts. In a way, it's like dealing with two addicts but there's a false sense that one of them must be "ok" because they aren't using a substance. The sad truth is that usually, the enabling codependent is every bit as sick as the addict. I was.

Luckily, without ever having stepped into a 12 step program, my dear husband has more "program knowledge" than many who have spent years in those rooms. His calm detachment from me (the enabling codependent) and our son (the addict) was what kept our marriage together.

If he had tried to get between me and my son.....it would have had as poor a result as I was getting trying to get between my son and his DOC. It magnifies the problem. Instead, he stepped back and detached from both of us with love. In other words, he took care of himself and set boundaries but never told me what I had to do. But I believe that if I had not begun my own recovery, it could very likely have ended in divorce.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is to show by example how to detach and how to work a program of recovery. Addiction has far reaching tentacles and I hope and pray that you and your wife can prioritize yourselves and your marriage so that those tentacles don't strangle the love you have shared over so many years.

gentle hugs
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:58 AM
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Some great advise here thanks! She doesn't like to read or even talk about anything even slightly uncomfortable. I am afraid to see if she would be receptive to SR as she knows the nickname I use and might find some of the things I have written very hurtful as I have been pretty honest during my relapse and recovery about what is going on at home. Knowing her as well as I do, however I don't beleive she would even consider coming here and reading anything.

She did say last night that if he tests dirty on the 16 then he will have to leave. I guess I'll just kind of sit back and let things ride for a bit and see how she handles things on the 16th when he does test dirty.

I think I may try the al-anon thing, I doubt that she will go, but all my friends in AA say the same thing... Get to al-anon. The last time we went to counseling the tharapist wanted to meet with her for a few weeks and then bring me back into the equation. She freaked out stating I was the one with all the problems and how dare that lady think she had any issues... That was the end of that...

So I don't really know what to do at this point, but I have pretty much decided that its probably not worth getting divorced even if I need to roll over a bit until things cool down some and her and I can at least start to come to grips with our communication issues.

Thank you all for your kind words and support... This is a very tough situation for the entire family. Last night my middle son was upset because his older brother had stolen about half of his pain medication (he has some back issues). I told him to hide them, but he gave them to his mom and over the weekend my oldest went through her purse and stole half of them. Just more drama on top of drama.

Thanks again for any advise you can provide...
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:00 PM
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I tried to hit the meeting... Didn't realize it was eastern time... I'll have to check it out next week... Wife seems fine today... Typical everything is fine as long as were not talking about my son...
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Old 02-01-2013, 05:57 AM
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If you suspect he is using, why would you wait until the 16th to test him? You are perfectly within your rights to test him whenever you dang well please. Providing him with the date of the next drug test is useless. The internet is chuck full of advice on how to pass a drug test. My AS has done it many, many times. Random and supervised tests are the only things that are even remotely reliable.
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Old 02-01-2013, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Wifi View Post
Last night my middle son was upset because his older brother had stolen about half of his pain medication
Hide the meds so as not to upset the criminal and enabler. Think about it.

Time to man up and send the boy on his way.

The other boys are learning bad things from you and your indecisiveness.
There will be resentments later on.

If your wife don't like it, tell her she's not thinking clearly and you are making the best decision for the family. He is praying on her weakness.

If she keeps enabling against your wishes, take her off the accounts and have her get her own job to support him.

You may not be able to save him right now, but you don't need to teach the others how to disrespect and come between you guys as well.

If he has a change of heart and says he wants recovery, put him in a SLE and let someone else play warden.
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Old 02-05-2013, 10:49 AM
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Tjp - I takes 30 days for marijuana to leave your system if your not using so that is the "loophole" my wife used...

BeavsDad - I get what your saying but it's a pretty complicated situation as I think breaking up the family does nothing but hurt everyone.

Thanks everyone, this is really a tough situation and I really appreciate the advise...
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Old 02-06-2013, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Wifi View Post
She doesn't like to read or even talk about anything even slightly uncomfortable. [re: counseling]
... She freaked out stating I was the one with all the problems and how dare that lady think she had any issues... That was the end of that...
The first sentence about that shows me classic codependent characteristic and also possible passive/aggressive personality. I've known many, many people like this who had to run away from me when I even wanted to have an 'adult' conversation about life stuff.

Also, the second sentence reminds me of my mother who was what one counselor of mine referred to as 'dry drunk' as she was a daughter of an alcoholic (my grandfather) and the problems that I had were never partially hers at all. *rolls eyes*

When you mentioned in another post that your wife did say that she loved you but was no longer in love, I know that that was probably hard to hear and I am not sure in what context it was said exactly. But, it is something to pay real attention to. I say this because that is what I said to my AXH before I left him and divorced him. I loved him, but I was not in love with him anymore and he just did not get it and could not fathom or accept it until I was looking for apartments or a home to buy to leave him.

Yes, is this harsh and about my life and not necessarily yours- absolutely. But, if I can point out what happened in my situation and it somehow helps you cope, I'd rather just spill it.

This sounds like you are in a total multi-level disaster situation that did not happen overnight and probably had decades or at least years in development across the board- from son to wife, etc.

As for your son...get him out of your house and keep him out is what I would say only because I have seen this happen to too many families and it happened in my own. There is no good ending, even if he is out of the house, but at least he must work on it all on his own. She will feel bad and sad and your son will keep working the 'revolving door system' you have going on so far. It's your life, but it really sounds like you need and want to reclaim it from everyone taking it from you at the moment- son and wife.

We're just here to keep telling others what we've been through and seen a million times. It may repeat in others, it may not. Good luck with all the tough choices you're having to make.
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