I wrote my good-bye letter. It's a doozy! I will stick one in my purse and one on my dresser. The next week will be very challenging. I will be in a situation where I will be around a lot of temptation.
My job has me in the public and anonymous or not, I am not strong enough where I can deal with anyone outside my immediate safe zone of knowing what a demon I am wrestling with -- mainly because I do not think they would realize what a serious problem I personally have with alcohol. In my later years, I never have more than 3 drinks max (OK sometimes a bottle of wine), but am terrified because when I try to eliminate alcohol for good, I fail. And daily drinking over decades, sounds like a hell of a problem to me.
I take the various are you an alcoholic tests and the "yep that's me" light goes off, even though most people outside of AA would ever peg me as a person with a drinking problem. Classic ACOA upbringing has me a perfectionist AND an expert at secret-keeping. My drinking is/was always "under control" -- but that's just it -- it is a horrible beast that I've been keeping chained up, but I can't get rid of it. It's always, hungry, never shuts up and never goes away. I want it to GO AWAY!
Glad I found the online forum.
I may go back to therapy though... If I don't make it though 30 days sober, I will tell my husband I am going back to therapy. I've been quite a bit in the last decade or so -- but never for addiction -- think that may be my next step. I am a bit of a loon -- runs in the family -- I just want to be a sober loon -- and live a long loony life.
Thanx again for all the support. It's going to be a good and SOBER day (and night!).
Trixi