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Grief Stage in Early Recovery????

Old 01-26-2013, 06:46 AM
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Grief Stage in Early Recovery????

I am on day 6 with no drinking AT ALL. I'm 47 years old and the only other time I (pretty much) totally stopped was when I was the two times I was pregnant.

Anyway, after all the years (and a cousin dying a horrible Picture of Dorian Gray-style death from Cirrhosis) and seeing health issues in myself I know I must stop. I don't want to die young on my kids like so many people in my family have. I want to have mental clarity EVERY SINGLE DAY!

So anyway, here's my point. These past six days, everyday, I have been crying. I feel like I am breaking up with a good friend. Now my hands are shaking as I type this. I often inwardly scream at myself, "What is WRONG with YOU!?" Has anyone else every felt like this??? This is what scares me that I won't be able to stay stopped. I really do feel like I have a monster inside of me that won't let me go. How do I kill it once and for all? I think it is going to be a slow and painful death, huh?

P.S. My own personal struggle these past few years has made me realize why some of my relatives could not stop their addictions, and while it made me empathetic to their plight, it has also terrified me because I see myself in them.

Boy that felt good to get that out!

Trixie <---- Merely sniffling now
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:13 AM
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You are not alone!

Maybe write a letter to dear ol' alcohol, letting it know the good, the bad, and the ugly of what your life has been like with it....kinda like a "Dear John break-up" letter.

Just a suggestion. Other people have done this with good results.

Yes, our best friend, Al K. Hall has been a blessing and a curse in our lives!

Congrats on 6 days!!!!!!
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:16 AM
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Hey there Trixi! I think grief is ok. Feelings will happen…it’s what we do about them that matters. If you think about it, you are saying goodbye to “a friend”. Well, you THOUGHT alcohol was a friend, but it is not anymore. So stay strong and make the cut final.

With determination, hard work, and a toolbox of ammunition you can change your life. SR is a great tool for that box!

I too found a new empathy for family members that struggled with alcohol. That empathy has helped me through a lot of forgiveness too…
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:24 AM
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Alcohol, for the alcoholic is one of the most toxic, all consuming relationships we can have. I allowed it to abuse me in every way imaginable for years.

I compare it to a person who has suffered years of domestic violence at the hands of another (and I've been there too).

I like the idea of writing a letter to that nasty alcoholic voice and telling it all the terrible things it did to you, how it changed you for the worse, how angry you are for letting it do that to you and how you will NEVER EVER allow it to do that to you again.

Empower yourself and don't let that worthless POS Addictive Voice take over.
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:24 AM
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Ahhh I'm crying again! Thanx for your responses. I like the letter idea -- might be good to keep it with me -- to remind me why I broke up with the jerk! (Inwardly I'm saying breaking up -- why am I so weak?!)

Off to Tae Kwon Do to kick and punch things!

T.
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:27 AM
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It's not being weak, it's how our bodies metabolize alcohol.

You can stay stopped, too!
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:34 AM
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trixi: You're absolutely right! You've got what you describe as a "monster" (sometimes it's called the "beast") inside you that wants you to resume drinking. This is in the primitive part of the brain known as the midbrain. This is the seat of childish fears and hungers and is responding to the chemical changes in your body which have resulted from sudden removal of alcohol from a system which had adapted itself to an alcohol based environment. So your whole body chemistry has to change back again to normal and what you sense inside yourself is the voice of your addiction crying out for the lost alcohol. It's possible for the more rational part of the brain to resist that voice, disregard it. If it were not so then no one would recover. I found that the best way to do that was to join a group of recovering alcoholics, do it together, support one another. That will give you the support you need to deal with the inner voice. It could be AA or it could be some other kind of group. I found that one to one counseling was not enough for me. Good luck.

W.
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Old 01-26-2013, 10:44 AM
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I wrote my good-bye letter. It's a doozy! I will stick one in my purse and one on my dresser. The next week will be very challenging. I will be in a situation where I will be around a lot of temptation.

My job has me in the public and anonymous or not, I am not strong enough where I can deal with anyone outside my immediate safe zone of knowing what a demon I am wrestling with -- mainly because I do not think they would realize what a serious problem I personally have with alcohol. In my later years, I never have more than 3 drinks max (OK sometimes a bottle of wine), but am terrified because when I try to eliminate alcohol for good, I fail. And daily drinking over decades, sounds like a hell of a problem to me.

I take the various are you an alcoholic tests and the "yep that's me" light goes off, even though most people outside of AA would ever peg me as a person with a drinking problem. Classic ACOA upbringing has me a perfectionist AND an expert at secret-keeping. My drinking is/was always "under control" -- but that's just it -- it is a horrible beast that I've been keeping chained up, but I can't get rid of it. It's always, hungry, never shuts up and never goes away. I want it to GO AWAY!

Glad I found the online forum.

I may go back to therapy though... If I don't make it though 30 days sober, I will tell my husband I am going back to therapy. I've been quite a bit in the last decade or so -- but never for addiction -- think that may be my next step. I am a bit of a loon -- runs in the family -- I just want to be a sober loon -- and live a long loony life.

Thanx again for all the support. It's going to be a good and SOBER day (and night!).

Trixi
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Old 01-26-2013, 10:58 AM
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I'm glad you joined us.

Have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp? It's a memoir by a young, high-functioning alcoholic woman and her love affair with alcohol. It's the book that convinced me that if she could do it, I could do it.
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:33 AM
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Hi trixi. Good job on the letter! Your post prompted me to find a break up letter with alcohol that I recalled a few years ago when I was first dabbling with sobriety.

Here it is:

Dear Alcohol: A Goodbye Letter

Dear Alcohol,

I&rsquo;m sorry, but we can no longer see each other. I know it&rsquo;s been a really long time since I became acquainted with you at that party when I was about thirteen, but lately, this relationship has become unhealthy and out of control. When we first got to know each other, you always made me feel so good about myself; so confident and daring, like I could say or do anything and it wouldn&rsquo;t matter because I could blame you. I enjoyed the feelings you gave me, obviously a little too much, because soon, I began to crave and depend on you. I no longer gained satisfaction from the buzz you gave me on the occasional weekend. No, I wanted more, and you were willing to give me all I wanted. You taunted, teased and tempted me every time we met until I gave into you, always promising myself that I would have &lsquo;just one more&rsquo; before putting you down. But it was never that easy. In fact, I became completely infatuated with you and the way you made me feel. You warmed me when I was cold, allowed me to forget my problems when I didn&rsquo;t want to face them, and above all, were always there when the people I needed most weren&rsquo;t.

At the same time, you gradually trapped me in your grip, squeezing me tighter and tighter until your hold on me was so tight, I couldn&rsquo;t break away. With warmth came wrath, with forgetting came fighting, with assurance came addiction. You poisoned, polluted, and possessed me. You continue to poison, pollute, and possess me. But I&rsquo;m telling you now; I&rsquo;m not going to let you control me anymore. I can&rsquo;t let you control me anymore. We&rsquo;re done. I&rsquo;m ending this relationship, for once and for all. And I know you&rsquo;ll put up a fight and will try your utmost to weasel your way back into my life, but rest assured, I&rsquo;ll fight you just as hard. I&rsquo;m going to beat you and I&rsquo;m going to beat you well.

I don&rsquo;t need you anymore. I deserve so much better. And most of all, no matter how much you think I am your puppet to control and possess, I am so much more than you. Never forget that.

Farewell and please do not contact me

Yours (insert name)
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:54 AM
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Trixi
I would strongly suggest giving AA a try. All the people in AA are also alcoholics and you will be surprised at how much your disease looks like everyone else. I found that keeping my attempting sobriety a secret only lead to defeat. Also, I have found that AA gives you the tools to go on and cope with life. It is about cleaning yourself out on all levels so that you can get on with your life. This is my 45th day of sobriety, and going to AA has changed my life. I too am a mother and just turned 40. There are lots of other women in AA who can help you navigate the early stages of sobriety and beyond. Anyway, good luck!
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:10 PM
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@Anna -- it was just this week that I stumbled across that book, and as trivial as it sounds for some, that really was when I hit bottom. I literally started to cry and cry and cry. Because that is EXACTLY where I am at. And I know it's an affair that needs to end. It is robbing me of time with my kids and family, and my health.

It must have been fate that I came across that title because I was looking for other stuff (Inspirational Calendars!) on Amazon and on the lower part of the screen was the: "People who looked at this, also looked at this" bit --- and there it was. And then it hit me on the head. Like a cast iron frying pan. I have a problem. A Serious Problem. I cannot even remember the last time I went for more than two days without a drink -- even though I have been wanting to quit drinking for more than two years.

Everything is so raw right now, I don't think I could read it if I tried.

Thanks for sharing your letter Sazzle. "You poisoned, polluted, and possessed me". Unfortunately, I am still in the deep throws of the possession stage. But you are also very correct in that "Nothing changes, if nothing changes".

Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to post my letter.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I'm glad you joined us.

Have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp? It's a memoir by a young, high-functioning alcoholic woman and her love affair with alcohol. It's the book that convinced me that if she could do it, I could do it.
This is an excellent book. I'm reading it myself.

Yes, I totally felt I was losing a good friend when I quit drinking. I was sad, lonely, mad, depressed, angry, all kind of emotions in regard to losing the booze. Booze was always there for me, thru the good and bad times. Was my crutch so to speak.

This is quite normal and it really will get better as time goes on and the feelings for it won't be so instense. They even had a daytox class on grief and loss as most addicts do go thru a grieving process when they quit their addiction. You aren't alone in how you are feeling.
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