help?
I don’t even know how to write this but I will try. I went out last night and made an absolute fool of myself and today I feel worthless. That’s exactly how I feel worthless. I have shivers up and down my spine even writing those words.
I feel like I did when I went through the depression in school but this is different this is alcohol related. I got so intoxicated drunk that I declared my love for a guy in my class, the embarrassment, but that’s not the issue. The issue is I can’t even remember doing it. I had to be told by a girl in my class.
Every time I’ve gone out recently and perhaps looking back on it, my whole life, I’ve gotten far too drunk. I’m embarrassing my family and myself. I woke up this morning to being shamed by my Mom and told that I was a drunkard and that she bets that no one else in my group of friends gets drunk like I do. I don’t remember seeing her last night, what I did. Anything. All I know is that I woke my Dad up and he had a massive meeting today and he is pissed. I am, according to my Mom, the most selfish person in the world. I feel that she may not be the only person with this opinion. I am starting to believe it too.
I never want to feel like this again. I can’t remember how I got home, where I went after the club, anything. I can’t remember paying for the taxi; I may have borrowed money off someone? I genuinely don’t have a clue. I made a fool of myself and I never want to feel like this again. I think I may be an alcoholic and shivers run up my spine even typing those words so I can’t begin to imagine what it would feel like saying them.
I should cut out alcohol completely but it’s such a big part of my life that I can’t. I’m dependent on it to have fun, I think. I think I will go out this weekend and not drink and see how it feels. Even in my head as I type this I’m thinking maybe I’ll have just one beer … that cannot be healthy. Is it?
As I sit here pondering, gazing out the window of the library (I’m here purely to avoid my home situation) I see people running past. I want to be consumed by exercise and healthy living and not alcohol. This isn’t the first time I’ve recognised that I have a problem but it is this first time that I’ve mentioned it to anyone … even if it is only my trusty laptop.
My life is in a hole and I don’t know where to go from here. Am I an alcoholic? Can a 23-year-old girl be an alcoholic? No longer life and sole of the party. It’s getting embarrassing. I want to be able to enjoy 1 or 2 but it always turns into ten or eleven. Do you think I could enjoy an odd glass of wine or does it have to be cut out completely?