Hi Seek,
So sorry for your struggles. I suggest you read the "Stickies" at the top of the F&F of Substance Abusers discussion page. The majority of them will relate to your situation. I have also found a lot of wisdom in Melody Beattie's Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go. Reading NarAnon related materials is helpful as well.
We are all deeply hurt and saddened and surprised by the pain addiction has inflicted on us and on our loved ones, but there is hope for serenity if you begin working on yourself, your health, your spirit and through your active desire to find peace, you will get there.