Laura,
I can only share my experience and what worked for me! Id also like to say that the awareness you are beginning to have are the beautiful door opening to healing and change in your life! God has provided you with awarness about you, your past your current (now) and how it all has tied together! Then it is time to accept, which it sounds as though you have done more than that! And action, which that too is what you are doing! Changing the things you can! You! This has been my experience too! It was and is the start of real change in me! Such a blessing to hear about your journey and the hardwork that is paying off for you! It has always been such a good place to be for me! Awareness! Even if there is pain and uncomfortably involved and awkwardness, I know its a good thing and the outcome, if I persevere is alwyas a blessing! Of growth, healing and real change! Your in a real good place in my opinion! Good for you momma!
For the ex and the whole no contact piece! My experience is that I got to a place where I saw nothing good or positive when we communicated... he wanted and was doing what active addicts do and I realized became aware of "what's the point".... it effects me negatively! Because I was so hooked emotionally and I was not able to detach with love! I needed to as you have said step back! Reevaluate things, examine my self! Figure out Gods will and gain some courage, strength and understanding of what the heck was going on in me! What did I need? What was my gut telling me? I had recently had the awareness of the truth of what was and not "my truth"! My hopes and emotions that allowed my heart and head to go in different directions! When I finally got to the place where my heard and head were insync I was able to do what I need to for me!
Nothing changes if nothing changes! The "no contact" was something I had only done in past times when I was angry! When I did it lovingly, loving me! It mad my ex flip out! I was actually shocked at how angry and hurt he was, he was completely bewildered! Boundries (no contact), are for us, to preserve our sanity, our emotions, our spirits! They are removablem by us as we see fit! Stepping back for me is a way I get the guidance and direction I need to go for me, without the pulls and confusion an active addict carries with them where ever they go, what ever they say and do!
Its like trying to see into the bottom of a pond and waiting for the water to settle before you can! If I let the addict get to close he stirs that almost settled water into a mucky mess and I have to pick up where I left off and wait for the water to settle again!
I also had to become aware of my insecurities about love and being loved and wanting to hold onto that! I let my insecurities and fear of not being loved go! I was always so fearful of upsetting or pushing my addict away afraid he would stop loving me! Questioning does he did he? What I have come to accept is that yes! He does love me and and always has! I will always have love for him too! What the outcome is or will be for us????? His actions as many have said have to line up with what a healthy lifesyle looks like! We can love each other but that does not mean we will be together! I have to enforce what's acceptable in my life and what's not! What can I live with and what I can not! And stick to it without wavering or comprising or sacrificing my emotional, mental and spiritual well being! Is being in contact or in a relationship with anyone good for me? Does it tear me down or lift me up!? Is it a positive influence in my life? Do our values and lifesyles parelell??
Am I strong enough to be in some or any contact with unhealthy people without being effected? Or do I have to limit or stop contact because of how it effects me? Can I stay true to myself without being cought up in my emotions and get swept away from the truth because of my emotions? Can I say what I need without out fear of upsetting someone or "loosing" them? Can I express my needs and not expect someone else to fullfill them, but I learn how to do that!? Do I over look things and hold in what I need to say and it creates a fog and I start to comprise?
These are all things im going through right now!!! Sorry its so long, but I wanted to share with you where I am and what im learning. Sounds like we are in somewhat of a similar place! Im trying to figure this out too and how to do this! Its a good place to be and as I keep praticing how to take care of me and stay grounded and trust my gut and listen to my gut I know it will all work out the way its suppose to!
Prayers for you and your husband! Your doing so good! One day at a time right and just for today!