Love?No Contact: Message

Old 01-18-2013, 07:14 PM
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Love?No Contact: Message

I received this sms today from H:
"I loved you from the day I met you. I pray after 3 months you will be comfortable to meet with me and a counsellor. I will show you with my actions how sorry I am for all the pain. You are a gift."

I have not replied. Had wonderful day as it was my son's 5th birthday party. I was watching my son with his dad (a good man, a wondeful father, who adores our boy). Isn't life a strange thing.
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Old 01-18-2013, 07:57 PM
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Delete the text Lara. It doesnt matter what he writes. He has no love to give you because he is a troubled person that needs to focus on himself.

I hope you are not doing what I used to do... save the text, open it... re-read it, close it, re-open, re-read it. It's such a miserable process... and then when they screw up it's hurt and disappointment all over again.
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Old 01-18-2013, 07:59 PM
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also if I were him... sobriety would be the most important and greatest gift of all. No one else. He needs to be focusing on his sobriety.
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Old 01-18-2013, 08:44 PM
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i use to do that too. now i just delete my texts and theirs, so i dont keep playing the scene over in my head. good for you Lara for living in the moment of your son. a much healthier and happier moment it sounds too.

im with Ooops....just delete and dont respond.
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Old 01-18-2013, 08:58 PM
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I think the core of what he said is true. You have been through so much with him, for so long, and you have been hurt so badly. Right now he needs to complete his treatment (he is just starting) and he needs to make a commitment to change his life… and through that you will see by his actions and behavior just like he says.

I don’t see manipulation in his message, more like just a hope he is holding for the future. But since your trying to step away for now to work on your issues, I would just let it go, or gently wish him well on the work that is ahead of him.

My husband did 3 months inpatient, from our experience family and those relationships were a part of his recovery. My husbands rehab encouraged the interaction, but it gained in momentum as he progressed with his recovery. Most important to realize, it has to be something you want also. If that never happens for you, then he will come to accept it.

Sounds like your son had a wonderful birthday. Hold that memory close, and think of how you want more of those joyous moments in your life.
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Old 01-18-2013, 10:22 PM
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Happy Birthday to your little boy. Five years ago today, you brought that precious baby into this world. Huge day for both of you!! Congratulations!!

I don't believe in coincidences. I find something strange about him texting you on your son's birthday without acknowledging him.

Also, if you contact him....you are showing him you (and his addiction) that you are not a person of your word. He has set the bait, it's up to you to take it or not.

I pray you stay true to yourself and all your blessings. I pray you embrace today and not a "hopeful fantasy."
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Old 01-18-2013, 10:47 PM
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The text is words just words keep doing what your doing and if later you do reevaluate make sure you watched actions Happy birthday to your son.
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Old 01-18-2013, 11:09 PM
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Originally Posted by oooopps View Post
Delete the text Lara. It doesnt matter what he writes. He has no love to give you because he is a troubled person that needs to focus on himself.

I hope you are not doing what I used to do... save the text, open it... re-read it, close it, re-open, re-read it. It's such a miserable process... and then when they screw up it's hurt and disappointment all over again.

Ooooopps if I said I wasn't going to do that I would be lying - so I have deleted the text! One second ago.
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Old 01-18-2013, 11:17 PM
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Originally Posted by allforcnm View Post
I think the core of what he said is true. You have been through so much with him.....

I don’t see manipulation in his message, more like just a hope he is holding for the future. But since your trying to step away for now to work on your issues, I would just let it go, or gently wish him well on the work that is ahead of him.
Thank you allforcnm for your words. I am sticking to my 3 months no contact. But as I said in earlier thread - I am NOT ready - DON'T want to walk out of his life forever. I don't know what the future will hold. But I need the no contact to work on myself. To be stronger, healthier to be in a better place mentally and spiritually and emotionally when I do meet with him next... I completely trust in God - what will be will be.
I appreciate your words of 'I don't see manipulation' - I find it so difficult here on SR (and I KNOW SR members are usually right based on bitter experience) - but still tough when so often it seems EVERY SINGLE message from our addicted loved one, every time they say 'I love you' - is deemed as lies and a manipulative ploy to keep us in their web.
The tragedy I know is the wise SR members are so often right. That IF I wait to see - IF I hold out - and IF after say a year of recovery we are still 'involved' I could be taking the gamble of my life... we could be the very few minority who have beaten the odds OR a casualty like most here.
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Old 01-18-2013, 11:21 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Happy Birthday to your little boy. Five years ago today, you brought that precious baby into this world. Huge day for both of you!! Congratulations!!

I don't believe in coincidences. I find something strange about him texting you on your son's birthday without acknowledging him.

Also, if you contact him....you are showing him you (and his addiction) that you are not a person of your word. He has set the bait, it's up to you to take it or not.

I pray you stay true to yourself and all your blessings. I pray you embrace today and not a "hopeful fantasy."
Thank you LMN - I hear you!!! I am staying true to myself and embracing today. What you posted in an earlier thread about 'hopeful fantasy' is so important to remember and has helped me grately!

Yesterday was my son's birthday party - his actual birthday is 29th December - but waited till he went back to school to host party. However, his actual birthday was in Zanzibar - and H was so out of it - I refused to allow him near my son - so he didn't acknowledge the birthday anyway!!!!!!
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Old 01-18-2013, 11:45 PM
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I think most active addicts words and actions are seen as manipulative because it's part of the disease, like lying.

I remember early on when I joined here......My husband sent me a dozen roses. I was repeatedly told how it was nothing more then manipulation. I couldn't see it, especially since that was not uncommon for him to do. Looking back, I think it was very manipulative! He had an agenda behind those flowers.....he wanted to come home but didn't want to change and the flowers were an attempt to get me to "soften."

I am sure H loves you and you are a huge gift. But I now keep in mind - love is a verb not a noun and actions speak louder the words. Right now, those are just words...only time will show you in his actions.

P.S. I valued the advice of people who have really worked hard on themselves. They helped me see what I could not. You are doing great. Just keep working on you and the clarity will come.
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:06 AM
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Happy birthday for your son. My eldest son's birthday is also 29 Dec

I am glad you don't let him miss out on all his birthday parties.
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Sunshine2 View Post
Happy birthday for your son. My eldest son's birthday is also 29 Dec

I am glad you don't let him miss out on all his birthday parties.
Hi Sunshine happy birthday to your son too!!!!!!!
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:34 AM
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Lara, if your are not ready, then its good you are being honest about it. no point saying one thing and doing the opposite. so good for you for being honest with yourself. but remember to not live in the fantasy world of what could happen in 3 months. live in the now. he is an addict in rehab. that is what is the current truth. dont make promises to yourself for all the maybes of what you hope will happen. just live your life, and enjoy your son. if or when H is well then make decisions. but dont waste your life living in what you hope would happen. live your life in the here and now.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:12 AM
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[QUOTE=Jody675;3778987].....but remember to not live in the fantasy world of what could happen in 3 months. live in the now. /QUOTE]

Hi Jody675....and this is the challenge. I understand it perfectly and accept that in order to truly live - to experience this human life as God intends we need to be absolutely PRESENT in the NOW. I know meditation and prayer helps enormously. But still for me a HUGE monumental challenge. I need to unlearn so many 'skill's I acquired as a child. Survival skills that no longer benefit me. 'skills' I should have tossed 20 years ago. I use to always believe 'When Dad stops drinking all will be okay. Dad will be happy. Therefore I will be happy". And of course my darling brother. I dwell on the past - when Martin was here - and often catch myself thinking 'If only Marty were here now - all will be okay'.
So I have a lot of work to do - as I KNOW everything is ALREADY okay - we just need to let go - let God - and the universe will unfold as it should. This needs daily, hourly work on my part!
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:20 AM
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You know, in that moment, he probably believes what he's saying. The problem is he can't sustain the commitment to your marriage while he's not in recovery. It's impossible.

And he's going to have to learn and accept that he can't be committed to recovery while trying so hard to hold on to other things. Otherwise, he'll always be stuck.

Keep doing the right things every day, even if you're torn, even if it hurts...because the only thing you have control over is what you do.

Best,
ZoSo
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:16 AM
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I appreciate your words of 'I don't see manipulation' - I find it so difficult here on SR (and I KNOW SR members are usually right based on bitter experience) - but still tough when so often it seems EVERY SINGLE message from our addicted loved one, every time they say 'I love you' - is deemed as lies and a manipulative ploy to keep us in their web.
I think this is a very interesting point.

Just as an addict doesn't hear what we say, they hear what we DO....we need to do the same. I think that is the message that those here on SR are trying to convey..... not necessarily that the addicts words are always lies and manipulations. But instead, a wake up call asking.....do their actions and words match? Pay attention to the actions.....don't just hear the words.

I think my XAH loved me......but it was an extremely unhealthy love on both our parts. I also have no doubt that my son loves me. But it isn't reasonable to tie addiction to "if" or "how much" they love us. Someone asked in a recent thread if an addict's love is real......of course it is. But as long as they are in active addiction their love (and ours) can be real toxic. We can often be as bad for the addict as they are for us. I have certainly been guilty of that in both the relationship with my XAH and my son.

If you give him the space he needs to recover and you take time to concentrate (and recognize) your own unhealthy habits in the relationship.......time will reveal more. It always does.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-21-2013, 07:27 AM
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Laura,

I can only share my experience and what worked for me! Id also like to say that the awareness you are beginning to have are the beautiful door opening to healing and change in your life! God has provided you with awarness about you, your past your current (now) and how it all has tied together! Then it is time to accept, which it sounds as though you have done more than that! And action, which that too is what you are doing! Changing the things you can! You! This has been my experience too! It was and is the start of real change in me! Such a blessing to hear about your journey and the hardwork that is paying off for you! It has always been such a good place to be for me! Awareness! Even if there is pain and uncomfortably involved and awkwardness, I know its a good thing and the outcome, if I persevere is alwyas a blessing! Of growth, healing and real change! Your in a real good place in my opinion! Good for you momma!

For the ex and the whole no contact piece! My experience is that I got to a place where I saw nothing good or positive when we communicated... he wanted and was doing what active addicts do and I realized became aware of "what's the point".... it effects me negatively! Because I was so hooked emotionally and I was not able to detach with love! I needed to as you have said step back! Reevaluate things, examine my self! Figure out Gods will and gain some courage, strength and understanding of what the heck was going on in me! What did I need? What was my gut telling me? I had recently had the awareness of the truth of what was and not "my truth"! My hopes and emotions that allowed my heart and head to go in different directions! When I finally got to the place where my heard and head were insync I was able to do what I need to for me!

Nothing changes if nothing changes! The "no contact" was something I had only done in past times when I was angry! When I did it lovingly, loving me! It mad my ex flip out! I was actually shocked at how angry and hurt he was, he was completely bewildered! Boundries (no contact), are for us, to preserve our sanity, our emotions, our spirits! They are removablem by us as we see fit! Stepping back for me is a way I get the guidance and direction I need to go for me, without the pulls and confusion an active addict carries with them where ever they go, what ever they say and do!

Its like trying to see into the bottom of a pond and waiting for the water to settle before you can! If I let the addict get to close he stirs that almost settled water into a mucky mess and I have to pick up where I left off and wait for the water to settle again!

I also had to become aware of my insecurities about love and being loved and wanting to hold onto that! I let my insecurities and fear of not being loved go! I was always so fearful of upsetting or pushing my addict away afraid he would stop loving me! Questioning does he did he? What I have come to accept is that yes! He does love me and and always has! I will always have love for him too! What the outcome is or will be for us????? His actions as many have said have to line up with what a healthy lifesyle looks like! We can love each other but that does not mean we will be together! I have to enforce what's acceptable in my life and what's not! What can I live with and what I can not! And stick to it without wavering or comprising or sacrificing my emotional, mental and spiritual well being! Is being in contact or in a relationship with anyone good for me? Does it tear me down or lift me up!? Is it a positive influence in my life? Do our values and lifesyles parelell??

Am I strong enough to be in some or any contact with unhealthy people without being effected? Or do I have to limit or stop contact because of how it effects me? Can I stay true to myself without being cought up in my emotions and get swept away from the truth because of my emotions? Can I say what I need without out fear of upsetting someone or "loosing" them? Can I express my needs and not expect someone else to fullfill them, but I learn how to do that!? Do I over look things and hold in what I need to say and it creates a fog and I start to comprise?

These are all things im going through right now!!! Sorry its so long, but I wanted to share with you where I am and what im learning. Sounds like we are in somewhat of a similar place! Im trying to figure this out too and how to do this! Its a good place to be and as I keep praticing how to take care of me and stay grounded and trust my gut and listen to my gut I know it will all work out the way its suppose to!

Prayers for you and your husband! Your doing so good! One day at a time right and just for today!
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Old 01-21-2013, 07:57 AM
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Bunkie, thank you so much for posting that.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:25 PM
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Originally Posted by bunkie65 View Post
Boundries (no contact), are for us, to preserve our sanity, our emotions, our spirits! They are removablem by us as we see fit! Stepping back for me is a way I get the guidance and direction I need to go for me, without the pulls and confusion an active addict carries with them where ever they go, what ever they say and do!

Prayers for you and your husband! Your doing so good! One day at a time right and just for today!
Hi Bunkie thank you for such wise words. What you say makes absolute sense. Everything you wrote resonates strongly with me. Just for the record - H is not my husband. It is the initial for his first name. But we have been in each others' lives for over 10 years...
Yes, this is it - finally getting my head and heart on the same page. I have finally reached that point of 'enough' ' I cant take this anymore'. That so much emotion was embroiled in mess, lies, confusion. I finally had enough where I accepted that every interaction with H over the past few months (well 99%) left me feeling either on a total high (completely false and unhealthy) or left me feeling bewildered, hurt, sad, confused - and always, always a nigging feeling in my gut. So for my own self preservation I have gone no contact.
I use to dwell on a future with H. I do pray for his recovery and I wish him well. But right now - as I sit here - I don't believe there is a chance for a healthy future. So I focus on MY future. And my son's future. I also finally got up the courage to go no contact - when it no longer took 'courage'. It was no longer a concept that made me uncomfortable. It is medicine for me - to heal. I have so many issues and can so easily be drawn back into H' world. I realised with an awful jolt that I use to spend so many hours thinking about H - and not getting on with my own life. I don't want to waste anymore precious hours. I THINK I am in that space too - that whatever happens to H - after rehab - that it is not my story anymore.
God bless you too!
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