humble return...
Well, I was doing fantastic. Just feeling awesome. Eating awesome... Just feeling amazing.
So fantastic I thought I would buy a six pack last Thursday (when my kids were out of town with the grandparents and my wife was working overnight...). I would be alone, wouldn't drive, just in charge of myself and the puppy... and would be just fine...
I had intended to drink 3 or 4 while watching a movie... Magic Hat #9's. One of my favorite beers. Of course I drank all 6.
Friday rolled around and I thought "I don't feel so bad..." So I decided to go have a beer at Mellow Mushroom, my favorite local joint. One led to two or three beers with lunch and friends. Of course we all know how that turned out... that led to a few more Friday night.
Saturday rolled around and I thought... man, now I kinda feel like crap. Maybe if I have a beer I'll feel better. So around 10 a.m. I had a beer to make me feel better. That, of course is all I intended to have. One last beer to finish off this brief "reward." It did make me feel better... 2 really helped... and we all know where that led and where my Saturday went pissed away.
Sunday morning I really felt awful. Just like ****. Same ol' same ol' feelings that led me to quit at Christmas to begin with. I thought to myself "what's the point now...?" I've already screwed up I might as well feel better today. So I bought another 6 pack. Or two... I can't recall... another pissed away Sunday.
Monday morning I felt like I had just crawled out of the Devil's ass hole. Heartburn, headache, couldn't eat, stress, anger at myself, physical pain. Emotional distress. Sleeplessness, jitters, sleeplessness, jitters, chest pain... same ol BS that led me to say NO MORE! so many weeks ago. I was so angry at myself. Confused... what had happened!?!
I read so many stories when I decided to quit from those who had tried multiple times before succeeding. That is where I've found the motivation not to drink for 5 or 6 days now and hope to have the strength to realize this.
When I have gone so long without drinking and feel so good. Eating so well, exercising better, a better everything to everyone... spiritually better and connected... there is absolutely no reason in the world to throw it all away in a bottle... drowned in a bottle and pissed away to nonsense. No gains, no growth, time and health simply pissed away.
So, with that I'm back. And, I do need more support than I first thought. And, I do need to make a decision that my body reacts differently to booze than others'. And that... is why I have the thought "I shouldn't drink... it's a bad idea"... to begin with.
I feel lucky and thankful this binge was simply a selfish, personal mess... and didn't involve anyone else. I hope.
I write this hoping it might help others who think they've "earned" another drink... be careful.