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humble return...

Old 01-19-2013, 01:01 PM
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humble return...

Well, I was doing fantastic. Just feeling awesome. Eating awesome... Just feeling amazing.

So fantastic I thought I would buy a six pack last Thursday (when my kids were out of town with the grandparents and my wife was working overnight...). I would be alone, wouldn't drive, just in charge of myself and the puppy... and would be just fine...

I had intended to drink 3 or 4 while watching a movie... Magic Hat #9's. One of my favorite beers. Of course I drank all 6.

Friday rolled around and I thought "I don't feel so bad..." So I decided to go have a beer at Mellow Mushroom, my favorite local joint. One led to two or three beers with lunch and friends. Of course we all know how that turned out... that led to a few more Friday night.

Saturday rolled around and I thought... man, now I kinda feel like crap. Maybe if I have a beer I'll feel better. So around 10 a.m. I had a beer to make me feel better. That, of course is all I intended to have. One last beer to finish off this brief "reward." It did make me feel better... 2 really helped... and we all know where that led and where my Saturday went pissed away.

Sunday morning I really felt awful. Just like ****. Same ol' same ol' feelings that led me to quit at Christmas to begin with. I thought to myself "what's the point now...?" I've already screwed up I might as well feel better today. So I bought another 6 pack. Or two... I can't recall... another pissed away Sunday.

Monday morning I felt like I had just crawled out of the Devil's ass hole. Heartburn, headache, couldn't eat, stress, anger at myself, physical pain. Emotional distress. Sleeplessness, jitters, sleeplessness, jitters, chest pain... same ol BS that led me to say NO MORE! so many weeks ago. I was so angry at myself. Confused... what had happened!?!

I read so many stories when I decided to quit from those who had tried multiple times before succeeding. That is where I've found the motivation not to drink for 5 or 6 days now and hope to have the strength to realize this.

When I have gone so long without drinking and feel so good. Eating so well, exercising better, a better everything to everyone... spiritually better and connected... there is absolutely no reason in the world to throw it all away in a bottle... drowned in a bottle and pissed away to nonsense. No gains, no growth, time and health simply pissed away.

So, with that I'm back. And, I do need more support than I first thought. And, I do need to make a decision that my body reacts differently to booze than others'. And that... is why I have the thought "I shouldn't drink... it's a bad idea"... to begin with.

I feel lucky and thankful this binge was simply a selfish, personal mess... and didn't involve anyone else. I hope.

I write this hoping it might help others who think they've "earned" another drink... be careful.
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:12 PM
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welcome back Paddler
when those feelings rise again - and they will - what's your plan?

D
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:19 PM
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well...

To begin with to reach into the memory bank and reread this post.

I mentioned "I might need a little more help than I previously thought..."...

That's the starting point of that plan. I am considering visiting several different AA groups in hopes of finding one I really connect with, as opposed to the one I "really didn't"...

I've dabbled with the idea of working the steps. I see lots of gains from that, nothing negative really, and perhaps a gateway to some of the innerworkings of my character I haven't tapped into yet.

So the plan is to:

1. Remember all the times I thought "I have earned this drink..." and where that got me.
2. Remember how incredible the brief extended moments of sobriety led me. All the times I said I never want to go back...
3. Tap into additional external sources as support for both staying sober, living sober in the good and bad times, and to help me discover my hidden inner person...

and drink lots of coffee and green tea...=) I really was enjoying the new coffee pot my mum got me for Christmas and watching the sunrise sober.
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:23 PM
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Yes, I don't know what you did the last time, but do something to get you on the path and staying the course. I know, I have recently come back from being sober almost five years and I have to tell you that it DOES not get any better, and it can go down hill and to hell if you let it, so don't!!

Meetings are good, you don't even have to share, but hearing what others have to say may help you, also, if you have "issues" maybe seeking a therapist could help also.

Welcome back, and hope to see you around.
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:39 PM
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Any sense of natural lack is far better than that temporary escapism that pays you back, with super high interest, in intense misery.
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:41 PM
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great post Paddler,

You described it beautifully. I have been sober nearly 20 months and reading your post really reminded me what it was like. I had my last big obsession around 6 months and fought it tooth and nail. I have no desire to drink today, I find nothing about alcohol attracts me anymore. I stay sober with the support of both AA and SR.

Unfortunately I can't make many meetings because of where I live but I read the literature and incorporate the steps in my life daily.

Early in sobriety I would read posts , people saying how their lives had turned around and how brilliant everything is now they are sober. I half believed what they said but thought they are saying that to encourage people. I now know that for a fact,my life is so much better, in every way. That being said it only gets better if I work my program, my program happens to be AA and SR.

Hang in there

CaiHong
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:47 PM
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I'm right there with ya! I'm on day 3. I have no idea what made me go back, I was feeling great and doing great.
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:50 PM
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I did that same thing so many time.

I got to well to fast and being the quick forgetter I always for forget how bad "the bad part" is..

Time and time again, I tried to do the impossible and manage and control something so out of control.

One is to many and lake erie is not enough.

I found a way to not only live without drinking , but to really have fun and have more friends then I ever could of imagined by going to the rooms of AA... Food for thought.

Welcome back. Relapses are never in vien as long as you get back..
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:56 PM
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Hey Paddler! First off just wanted to say you cracked me up with the devils arse bit, too funny!

I sympathize with you not feeling well. Been there many times myself. I have tried to get sober short term many times and this is my at least 3rd attempt at forever sobriety.

A couple weeks ago I shared at a meeting how great I felt now, and why I needed to double up my recovery efforts at that time because I have been on cloud 9. People seemed to relate. A couple talked to me about it afterwards.

I dont drink cause I feel awful. I start again because I feel comfortable. That turns to confidence and I forget why I quit to begin with.

You know..cause I feel great and I can control it now! I was wrong again and crawled out of the devils arse for the last time.

Keep coming back
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:21 PM
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It's interesting... my last post on SR was helping someone who was in the first day of recovery. I illustrated my day 1 - 7 weeks or so after my last drink. What a hell those first couple of days were... then how great things were becoming.

Alas my most recent post illustrates how awesome the day that first drink was and the hell it slowly became, drink by drink. I'm grateful to be over the withdrawals again... which are def. getting worse every time I drink. As is my health, as are lots of things...

Growth is what I'm after... one day at a time. I hope my post helps someone who stumbles across this site. As did so many posts when I stumbled across this site a few months ago.
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:35 PM
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Paddler- thank you for your post. I am going put for a work function tonight and your post was a great reminder that I can not "just have one" not that I was planning on it but it is my foray night out without my husband in the 3 weeks.I've been sober so, thank you again.
Btw- I LOVE the magic mushroom! They have the best pizza and the hallways to the restrooms cracked me up!
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:38 PM
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I related to your thought Paddler about the reality that your body can't handle/process alcohol. I learned this the hard way. I was in such denial. It took a trip to the hospital with a serious injury and my doctor telling me I was lucky I didn't die....all starting with "I'll just have a few". Coffee has now taken on a new meaning along with my sobriety now! My life is good now and reading these posts remind me to not take my sobriety lightly!
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:58 PM
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Welcome back Paddler. Dead on description of what it's like. I wish I'd kept a journal of those feelings. Time causes the intensity of it to fade.

I said 'never again' hundreds of times. Still I would always give it another try, expecting to magically have a different outcome. Thought if I summoned up enough willpower I could just have the fun part and not the regrets. I don't remember one time where that actually happened. One drink always led to being drunk. Hangover, hair of the dog, as you've described so well. When really bad things started to happen, I had no choice but to admit I couldn't touch a drop. Alcohol would never take me where I wanted to go - it always led to danger and misery.

I'm glad you are back and ready to do this thing. We know you can.
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:23 PM
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Like Hevyn, I too wish I'd kept a journal of those feelings and how I felt after "testing the waters" again.

Your post was so spot on, that I've saved it. I could have written that Paddler...so thank you.

I'm diligent with my sobriety...almost two years along and I will never stop appreciating where that first drink will take you.

I love my growth...I love my coffee, love my new grinder and I too love a sober sunrise.

You know what to do Paddler. Again, great post.
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:18 PM
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Day 58 for me and its taken 12 years in AA to string together this amt of sobriety. Point being I've been there too and I have finally accepted what I knew ....that I was powerless over alcohol. I could always stop and start but within a week I was back to drinking a 750ml of vodka daily. I was restless,irritable and discontent when I wasn't drinking or I felt bored nd wanted to fill the boredom with booze. Having finally accepted that I have an allergy of the body and and obsession of the mind I am much more peaceful. Take what u want and leave the rest.

Peace!
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Old 01-20-2013, 05:14 AM
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Thanks for all the advice. Just about 7 months I embarked on this journey to sobriety and to say it has been full of ups and downs would be an understatement. The quote that referred to "the realization my body had developed an allergy to alcohol and my mind had developed an addiction" really hit home. I learned through the weeks of sobriety I managed to link together every. single. aspect. of my life was better without drinking.

My mind told me it was ready to drink and would be harmless. It convinced me that 6 pack would treat me just as my old friend did when I was 21. My mind convinced me a few beers and a small hangover would be harmless.

My body reacted by telling me it was not harmless. It was dangerous... it had been slowly killing me for a number of years and would continue to do so. I could never drink like I did during the "enjoyable" years.

Hopefully, for some reason I'm grateful beyond belief, God is opening my eyes earlier than lots of others. At 32. I hope I still have a lot of time to live on this Earth, sober.

I can see a life of intoxication and hangovers would be full of physical pain and regrets at the end.

So here we go... back on the journey. And I was able to read, drink coffee, and watch the sunrise again this morning. I'm so thankful and so hopeful.
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Old 01-20-2013, 05:29 AM
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wow, this is extremely relatable to me.. I wish you the best and I think what one poster said was right on, that we don't drink because we feel awful,& we start up again because we feel comfortable.. I think that is something for all of us to keep in mind..
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Old 01-20-2013, 05:31 AM
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Glad you're back and trying. Every alcoholic knows that drinking again when they've managed to put some sober days together is an error...afterwards. That becomes very clear and there's no doubt at all. You couldn't possibly understand it better than you do right now.

Which does you no good whenever you've been sober some days and it suddenly seems like a wonderful idea. That's what your recent experience can teach you if you'll allow yourself to look at it squarely. If you can, then you stand a chance to accept that you'll be needing an answer than will work for you better than the last one to allow this newest cessation to be more than another lap around the track.
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