I appreciate your words of 'I don't see manipulation' - I find it so difficult here on SR (and I KNOW SR members are usually right based on bitter experience) - but still tough when so often it seems EVERY SINGLE message from our addicted loved one, every time they say 'I love you' - is deemed as lies and a manipulative ploy to keep us in their web.
I think this is a very interesting point.
Just as an addict doesn't hear what we say, they hear what we DO....we need to do the same. I think that is the message that those here on SR are trying to convey..... not necessarily that the addicts words are always lies and manipulations. But instead, a wake up call asking.....do their actions and words match? Pay attention to the actions.....don't just hear the words.
I think my XAH loved me......but it was an extremely unhealthy love
on both our parts. I also have no doubt that my son loves me. But it isn't reasonable to tie addiction to "if" or "how much" they love us. Someone asked in a recent thread if an addict's love is real......of course it is. But as long as they are in active addiction their love (and ours) can be
real toxic. We can often be as bad for the addict as they are for us. I have certainly been guilty of that in both the relationship with my XAH and my son.
If you give him the space he needs to recover and you take time to concentrate (and recognize) your own unhealthy habits in the relationship.......time will reveal more. It always does.
gentle hugs
ke