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01-18-2013, 06:29 PM

# 37 (permalink)

owathu

Member

Join Date: Jul 2012

Posts: 183

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmk11

I constantly think about my STBXAH - we are barely in contact but I think about him all the time. Some of the things are good - how we could laugh with each other. But mostly it is the bad things: the mental and emotional abuse, the blaming and guilt tripping, lying, and lack of empathy. His disrespectful, undignified, and apathetic way he treated me. Kindness one day, utter indifference the next day. My god. I replay scenes in my mind over and over again. How he acted; how I reacted; what I could've done differently to stand up for myself; why was I more concerned about his feelings instead of my own.

I wonder what he is doing, if he is seeing anyone, will I run into him just about anywhere I go. Ridiculous. I am trying to focus on me, so when I think about him I try to steer my thoughts to ME and what I need to do in that moment. It is helping, but requires a lot of mental energy; I'm still not very good at it. But dammit, it seems like sometimes I forget to think about him so then I remember and he consumes my thoughts.

Sometimes when he emails me about home affairs, I respond politely. Then I remember I want "reject" him somehow with a curt response but don't want to appear petty. I want him to give me an opening, per se, so I can unleash on him what I really think/thought about our marriage and separation. He already knows I think his alcoholism was at the root of most, if not all, of our marital problems.

I'm so frustrated that he is on my mind. How am I really moving on when I think so much about him and our past? My final divorce decree is imminent, perhaps that will get me over the mental hump and I'll think about him less and less. I have so much to let go of, I just don't know how.

I continue to read Al-Anon lit, Codependent No More, and about addiction. I'm attending a DivorceCare support group. I see a counselor. I'm on anti-depressents for depression and anxiety. I journal. I read and write here. (seeing all this in writing makes me laugh

) I wonder if I'm distracting myself too much and not really focusing on healing emotionally.

I feel like my recovery, healing, and moving on looks good on paper only: I have a new house; I am working out; I stay busy with two jobs. I still have much joy with my friends, family, and felines; I really enjoy being alone in a peaceful, anxiety- and alcoholism-free home.

So why can't I stop thinking about him?

How have you all gotten to a place where you don't think about your XA?

Sorry for the rant :/

I am in almost the same situation as you. And while my ex have very very limited contact. It's a crapshoot as to how I will react. One email I will be, sure, no problem, next email I will be all: why hasn't a nuclear bomb dropped on you yet! I am about 6 months out, and I do want the divorce to be done with already, I still miss aspects about him. The aspects I married. That never were true.

Your emotions are going to be up and down for a long time. A marriage isn't something that was minor. You pledged your life to this man. Expect it, and work through it.

I am closing on a house this week, so I have been trying to be nice to my stbxah, because I want him to sign off on it, in terms that he will not try to get it when our divorce actually happens. And he's being very accomodating. So, now I feel like a complete bitch for hating him for being rational.

It's a touch thing, give yourself a break. You're human. You are going to have good days and shiitty days. It is what it is. Just keep on being you, because you took a stand, for you. That's what eventually matters, not the stuff in-between you getting you back.