Yes, you did read that. The past 2 Sundays have been eye opening days for me with respect to the severity of his addiction. I broke off physical contact the first one, but still spoke with him (not the best choice - it was really just being fed lies for a week) and a week later was the day I "relapsed" on it before he left for treatment, and witnessed his addiction in full force. That same day, an ex with whom I have not spoken in years, died from drug-related cardiac arrest. It was freaky, to say the least. Made me realize that this man could easily end up in the same place.
I have gotten into these relationships probably for a lot of reasons I have not yet uncovered, but from the work I have done, I have discerned these reasons:
Firstly, because I am also an addict. With most of the relationships in my past, I believe I selected other addicts because we would enable each other. I didn't feel so bad about what I was doing if I had someone doing it with me.
This relationship I found in recovery. I felt that we had shared similar pain and had the same goal - to build healthy, joyful sober lives for ourselves.
I also believe that I have been missing a big piece of my self-worth. I have long relied on external validation to reinforce my worth, and while it is getting better, I have a veryyyy long way to go. In this case, I know I am worth more, but some part of me still hangs on to this wish that he would recover and things would be ok. I know that I can never be enough to get him sober, but something about this whole thing has really messed with my head. I always thought I would be able to just leave if this happened, but now it is not that simple. I sometimes feel like I won't ever find another man like him, or I will never be in love like this again. Maybe that's right, but it's not really a bad thing. I would like to think that my future holds better relationships, with healthier, stable men.
In a recent inventory, I saw my pattern of finding relationships where I felt like the other person needed "fixing". I think (bear with me, this is not a very well-refined theory, more of a stream of consciousness..) part of me feels more secure knowing that the person I am with is horribly flawed like I am, and part of me wants to be the inspiration for their improvement. It's an escape from the feelings of being "less than" with which I have struggled my whole life. I want to be important to them. I want to give their life meaning. I know that is crazy but I think that's what's going on.
I wish I could just break away and be OK. But honestly, more than that, I wish this never happened. I know that's a waste of my time to think that way because it's just not possible, but that is just how I feel. I know the only thing I can do is change what I'm doing, or keep getting the same results.
sorry for the ramble.
Thank you dollydo. Your words are powerful and just what I need to hear. I just need to actually follow through... Very excited for the al-anon meeting tomorrow !