questions on enabling and boundaries

Old 01-17-2013, 08:38 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
ave
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
questions on enabling and boundaries

Hi everyone! Hope you are all having a good day.

My ex... For some reason it feels unnatural to refer to him as such.... called me from his rehab earlier to ask me to make some phone calls for him.

First, to call the clerk's office at the local courthouse, to try and reopen a case for a ticket he did not pay while using. He blew off the court date and spent the money he needed for the ticket, on drugs. Now he will not have a license when he gets out.

The second call he asked me to make was to the pawn shop where all his stuff is currently in residence. This is the part that kills me. He is a talented musician, and during our relationship when he was sober, he accumulated a beautiful collection of instruments, and all the stuff for a home studio. Once he began using again, all of that stuff got pawned. I want so badly for him to get it back, because I know that making music is such a key thing for him as a therapeutic sober thing to do, and he is so good at it.

But anyway, I told him I don't think I should because it wouldn't be really helpful. I said something like, "I have been enabling you by doing that kind of stuff... helping bail you out and prevent you from facing worse consequences. This time I don't think it's right for me to do that. It is your own damn fault that you are in this situation, you chose to do drugs instead of dealing with your life, so you need to deal with the consequences. I can't keep softening your bottom."

Fortunately my phone died before I had time to change my mind or soften up.

I guess I am just looking for input here. I am having a hard time staying firm on the notion that I will not be with him when he gets out. I have already faltered big time on not wanting to see him... I think i mostly jut wanted to not want to see him, if that makes sense. I know I can not be with him now, but a big part of me wants to, because when he was sober, our relationship was so wonderful. I know that's what everyone says, but there is truth to it - it was wonderful. But things are different now. So I need to act accordingly. I would like input on people's boundaries and dealing with enabling. What kind of stuff do you deem OK and not OK to do to help? Is there anything that is OK (i.e. bringing him to a meeting?) I don't particularly want to right now but I know I will change my mind a bunch. Probably because really I just want to see him and know that he's ok.

Oh, another thing. He has also asked me to visit him, and bring fluid for his electronic cigarette. I have a codie issue with the smoking - we quit together so I feel invested in helping him stay quit - but I'm trying to detach. It's probably good that he included the fluid in his request, because if he had just said he wanted to see me, it might have been harder to draw the line. This way it feels rather manipulative. I'm trying to one day at a time it. I told him I can not come this week and I will think about it next week but I do not anticipate changing my mind.
ave is offline  
Old 01-17-2013, 08:44 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,726
My personal opinion...You say this guy is your ex, so I don't see where he gets off asking you to make calls for him. He is in the position he is in because of his own bad choices, so it's up to him to handle the fallout, not you. Good on ya for recognizing that fact.

Regarding visits, I wouldn't go because, again, he is your ex. My thoughts are that you should take this time to take care of yourself and do what is in your own best interests going forward. He'll survive, and being in a place that doesn't allow smoking (if that is the case) will help him quit for good. After all, he's in there to take control of his life, so maybe he should start doing that.

Have you considered not taking his calls? You deserve some peace and it doesn't sound like you're going to get if if you keep talking to him.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 01-17-2013, 08:58 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is your ex, he is responsible for himself, cleaning up his own messes. Why not go no contact and leave it at that?
dollydo is offline  
Old 01-17-2013, 09:11 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
BunnyNest's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
How great of you not to be pulled back in!

I agree about thinking about no contact. It allows you to focus on you.
BunnyNest is offline  
Old 01-17-2013, 09:54 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Does he only call because he wants something?
Hanna is offline  
Old 01-17-2013, 10:23 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
If he's your ex, he's your ex. You won't be able to move on with your life if you keep getting sucked into his. It's not about "enabling" him- that puts the focus on him, his recovery, his addiction. It doesn't matter what's helpful for him...what matters is what's helpful for YOU.

Put him behind you, and focus on your own life.
SundaysChild is offline  
Old 01-17-2013, 10:23 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
interrupted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
He CALLED YOU ON THE PHONE to ask you to make PHONE CALLS. Hmm.
interrupted is offline  
Old 01-17-2013, 04:54 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
ave
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
Thanks for the input. You guys are right about no contact, I have felt like that's for the best probably but I can't bring myself to ignore the call.

I called him my ex because I have been trying to get used to it and kind of reinforce to myself that i need to stay strong in saying it is over. I broke up with him over the last week of using debacles but to be honest it wasn't a really firm breakup. I do want to be with him, but I do not want to have to deal with this ****. I think the best thing i can do for both of us is to leave and so we can focus on ourselves. If nothing else, that's the only way I can get back to a place of serenity. There's no way I'm making those calls for him, it's his problem, not mine.

As for the smoking thing, the place does allow smoking. My thing about it was not wanting him to start smoking but again, it's really not my problem. I can recognize that but I still want to help. That being said, I know there's no way that visiting is a good idea, at all. I think I am scared of being really without the security of that relationship, even though since he's relapsed it hasn't been secure. I am just having trouble with it. This sucks haha. It could be worse, but it still sucks.
ave is offline  
Old 01-18-2013, 01:29 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
coraltint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
Originally Posted by ave View Post
you chose to do drugs instead of dealing with your life, so you need to deal with the consequences. I can't keep softening your bottom."
this is spot on.....you are lessening his chances of recovery by ANY help you give him. I know....easy for me to say & hard for you to do.

in the meantime, while he tries to get sober, Alanon or Families Anonymous are great fellowships that can help you to stop feeling guilty about his issues & work on your own happiness.

maybe he'll come around, but you take care of yourself whether he does or not.
coraltint is offline  
Old 01-18-2013, 04:27 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, he either is or isn't your abf, appears that since you made no firm breakup with him, your relationship is still on the green light. That being said, make sure that you are firmly strapped
in your seat as the roller coaster ride will continue.

I thought I had read that one of your ex's was an addict too, have you questioned why you keep getting involved in these unhealthy relationships? If it were me, I'd concentrate on getting myself healthy, go to meetings, engage in therapy, do whatever it takes to learn how to secure a more managable, rewarding, peaceful life.

I would disengage from him, if he finds recovery, stays clean for at least a year, while continuing his recovery program you might consider reuniting wiith him on some basis.

This is your life, there are no dress rehersals, do what is in your best interest.
dollydo is offline  
Old 01-18-2013, 11:22 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
ave
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
Yes, you did read that. The past 2 Sundays have been eye opening days for me with respect to the severity of his addiction. I broke off physical contact the first one, but still spoke with him (not the best choice - it was really just being fed lies for a week) and a week later was the day I "relapsed" on it before he left for treatment, and witnessed his addiction in full force. That same day, an ex with whom I have not spoken in years, died from drug-related cardiac arrest. It was freaky, to say the least. Made me realize that this man could easily end up in the same place.

I have gotten into these relationships probably for a lot of reasons I have not yet uncovered, but from the work I have done, I have discerned these reasons:
Firstly, because I am also an addict. With most of the relationships in my past, I believe I selected other addicts because we would enable each other. I didn't feel so bad about what I was doing if I had someone doing it with me.
This relationship I found in recovery. I felt that we had shared similar pain and had the same goal - to build healthy, joyful sober lives for ourselves.
I also believe that I have been missing a big piece of my self-worth. I have long relied on external validation to reinforce my worth, and while it is getting better, I have a veryyyy long way to go. In this case, I know I am worth more, but some part of me still hangs on to this wish that he would recover and things would be ok. I know that I can never be enough to get him sober, but something about this whole thing has really messed with my head. I always thought I would be able to just leave if this happened, but now it is not that simple. I sometimes feel like I won't ever find another man like him, or I will never be in love like this again. Maybe that's right, but it's not really a bad thing. I would like to think that my future holds better relationships, with healthier, stable men.

In a recent inventory, I saw my pattern of finding relationships where I felt like the other person needed "fixing". I think (bear with me, this is not a very well-refined theory, more of a stream of consciousness..) part of me feels more secure knowing that the person I am with is horribly flawed like I am, and part of me wants to be the inspiration for their improvement. It's an escape from the feelings of being "less than" with which I have struggled my whole life. I want to be important to them. I want to give their life meaning. I know that is crazy but I think that's what's going on.

I wish I could just break away and be OK. But honestly, more than that, I wish this never happened. I know that's a waste of my time to think that way because it's just not possible, but that is just how I feel. I know the only thing I can do is change what I'm doing, or keep getting the same results.


sorry for the ramble.
Thank you dollydo. Your words are powerful and just what I need to hear. I just need to actually follow through... Very excited for the al-anon meeting tomorrow !
ave is offline  
Old 01-18-2013, 11:48 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
For me, my fixing, saving and rescuing attempts gave me some sort of self worth. It was also a distraction from looking at myself. I really had no idea I was even doing this until I started learning about codependency.

When I needed to say NO, I would often become angry at that person because I was left feeling guilty. The anger masked my guilty feelings. Although, I find it much easier to say NO, I still struggle with the feelings of guilt but I have let go that anger. I find giving my "unhealthy guilt" over to God is the only thing I can do at this time.

You are showing great insight. Have you read Codependent No more yet?? It was a huge eye opener for me.
LoveMeNow is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:12 PM.