ave

Hi everyone! Hope you are all having a good day.

My ex... For some reason it feels unnatural to refer to him as such.... called me from his rehab earlier to ask me to make some phone calls for him.

First, to call the clerk's office at the local courthouse, to try and reopen a case for a ticket he did not pay while using. He blew off the court date and spent the money he needed for the ticket, on drugs. Now he will not have a license when he gets out.

The second call he asked me to make was to the pawn shop where all his stuff is currently in residence. This is the part that kills me. He is a talented musician, and during our relationship when he was sober, he accumulated a beautiful collection of instruments, and all the stuff for a home studio. Once he began using again, all of that stuff got pawned. I want so badly for him to get it back, because I know that making music is such a key thing for him as a therapeutic sober thing to do, and he is so good at it.

But anyway, I told him I don't think I should because it wouldn't be really helpful. I said something like, "I have been enabling you by doing that kind of stuff... helping bail you out and prevent you from facing worse consequences. This time I don't think it's right for me to do that. It is your own damn fault that you are in this situation, you chose to do drugs instead of dealing with your life, so you need to deal with the consequences. I can't keep softening your bottom."

Fortunately my phone died before I had time to change my mind or soften up.

I guess I am just looking for input here. I am having a hard time staying firm on the notion that I will not be with him when he gets out. I have already faltered big time on not wanting to see him... I think i mostly jut wanted to not want to see him, if that makes sense. I know I can not be with him now, but a big part of me wants to, because when he was sober, our relationship was so wonderful. I know that's what everyone says, but there is truth to it - it was wonderful. But things are different now. So I need to act accordingly. I would like input on people's boundaries and dealing with enabling. What kind of stuff do you deem OK and not OK to do to help? Is there anything that is OK (i.e. bringing him to a meeting?) I don't particularly want to right now but I know I will change my mind a bunch. Probably because really I just want to see him and know that he's ok.

Oh, another thing. He has also asked me to visit him, and bring fluid for his electronic cigarette. I have a codie issue with the smoking - we quit together so I feel invested in helping him stay quit - but I'm trying to detach. It's probably good that he included the fluid in his request, because if he had just said he wanted to see me, it might have been harder to draw the line. This way it feels rather manipulative. I'm trying to one day at a time it. I told him I can not come this week and I will think about it next week but I do not anticipate changing my mind.