Thank you everyone. I'm seeing a counselor to deal with a lot of these issues. I've gotten a check up from my doctor. I just started on an anti-depressant anti-anxiety medication to deal with all these issues. My problem is that like I posted earlier. I didn't consider myself an alcoholic before January 2011. We just pounded beer everyday. But when my FIL died...I guess the stress of the loss....well i found myself saying things like all i wanna do is drink....I just want to numb my feelings.
I was drinking anywhere from 14-16 miller lites a night for 9 months after that. Then when my dad told me after i detoxed him "this is what happens to me when i start" Something in my head just went, man you need to stop. That's when i quit for 100 days. I'm just to scared when I allow myself to drink now. I drank somedays in October...quit for november then drank in december. Problem is that once I allow myself to drink i end up feeling quilty and scared of ending up like my father. I'm just stuck in life at the moment.