I need to stop before I end up like my father
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: houston texas
Posts: 13
I need to stop before I end up like my father
I need help. Please! I need to move on with my life without alcohol. My father is currently in the hospital after a 2 week long binge. He's relapsed multiple times in the last 20 years. His withdrawals are extreme. I didn't know what an alcoholic was until i detoxed him last march 2012.
My drinking was constant everyday, but with a recent loss in the family i started drinking more. After I detoxed him, I got scared. I cut my drinking back to 4 beers a day for 2 months. Then quit for 100 days. Tried different drinking tests, but now that veil is lifted, I'm too scared and feel terrible after I let myself drink.
I realize that I just need to cut out alcohol completely, and move on with my life. My last drink was Sunday 1/13 so I guess I'm on day two.
I've attended AA in the past and am back at meetings. I just want to be happy with my life, wife and kids. Please help.
My drinking was constant everyday, but with a recent loss in the family i started drinking more. After I detoxed him, I got scared. I cut my drinking back to 4 beers a day for 2 months. Then quit for 100 days. Tried different drinking tests, but now that veil is lifted, I'm too scared and feel terrible after I let myself drink.
I realize that I just need to cut out alcohol completely, and move on with my life. My last drink was Sunday 1/13 so I guess I'm on day two.
I've attended AA in the past and am back at meetings. I just want to be happy with my life, wife and kids. Please help.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Congratulations for you for making the decision to stop drinking and two days sober is great. You can do this, and we are here to offer support. Prayers for your father's recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
We are all here to help. Ultimately, of you've made the decision to quit, it's time to take steps to fill the void left by alcohol. What did alcohol do for you? What will you gain by quitting? How do you plan to stay stopped?
There are many resources here and you can ask questions or seek wisdom from those who have done this before you and found a better life.
Keep up the good work! Let us know how you're doing!
There are many resources here and you can ask questions or seek wisdom from those who have done this before you and found a better life.
Keep up the good work! Let us know how you're doing!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
Welcome gman. I think you'll find SR to be very helpful and supportive. I stopped a lifetime drinking habit by joining and reaching out for support.
I'm sure you'll find similar stories to yours here. It helps so much to know we're not alone in this. Glad to have you with us - you can do this.
I'm sure you'll find similar stories to yours here. It helps so much to know we're not alone in this. Glad to have you with us - you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
yes, you are not alone.
i cant count the number of Day 2s i have had but eventually enough is enough.
if you are going to AA great. But get a spponsor and work the steps.
i went t o AA for along time before i took the next step. But i also sat in those chairs half drunk most of the time.
i needed someone to be accountable too. my sponsor was that person. I could lie to family and friends but not to her. she called me out.
i have a family as well and wanted so badly to be there for them but wasnt.
UNTIL i took the next step. The steps.
i cant count the number of Day 2s i have had but eventually enough is enough.
if you are going to AA great. But get a spponsor and work the steps.
i went t o AA for along time before i took the next step. But i also sat in those chairs half drunk most of the time.
i needed someone to be accountable too. my sponsor was that person. I could lie to family and friends but not to her. she called me out.
i have a family as well and wanted so badly to be there for them but wasnt.
UNTIL i took the next step. The steps.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Commit to AA, don't just go to the meetings when you want to.
AA has worked for me for 23 yrs. it'll fix what ails you as well. Get a sponsor, stick with the winners.
All the best.
Bob R
AA has worked for me for 23 yrs. it'll fix what ails you as well. Get a sponsor, stick with the winners.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: houston texas
Posts: 13
We are all here to help. Ultimately, of you've made the decision to quit, it's time to take steps to fill the void left by alcohol. What did alcohol do for you? What will you gain by quitting? How do you plan to stay stopped?
What did alcohol do for me? I used it in the past as a way to socialize but it was everyday. Then when my FIL died in august of 2011 I just kept drinking for another 9 months, until I snapped and said this needs to stop. I pulled back for two months drinking only 4 beers a day. Then i quit cold turkey for 100 days. Went to AA to learn more. I guess beer numbed me to death of my FIL who was a heavy drinker.
What do I gain by quitting? Not ending up like my father. He has relapsed multiple times and is currently in the hospital currently recovering from severe withdraws
How do you plan to stay stopped? Right now just not picking up that beer is enough. I have some kind of control still. The fear of ending up like my father is what is keeping me stopped.
It's just that i was still socializing with beer up until 2 years ago. But my FIL's death pushed me over the edge. I would have never considered myself an alcoholic 2 years ago. I just drank beer everyday with my FIL. I thought i was a heavy drinker like my FIL, but my father is an alcoholic. I didn't realize this until i detoxed him in march. It scared me. I don't want to end up going through that. Binging for days and days.
What did alcohol do for me? I used it in the past as a way to socialize but it was everyday. Then when my FIL died in august of 2011 I just kept drinking for another 9 months, until I snapped and said this needs to stop. I pulled back for two months drinking only 4 beers a day. Then i quit cold turkey for 100 days. Went to AA to learn more. I guess beer numbed me to death of my FIL who was a heavy drinker.
What do I gain by quitting? Not ending up like my father. He has relapsed multiple times and is currently in the hospital currently recovering from severe withdraws
How do you plan to stay stopped? Right now just not picking up that beer is enough. I have some kind of control still. The fear of ending up like my father is what is keeping me stopped.
It's just that i was still socializing with beer up until 2 years ago. But my FIL's death pushed me over the edge. I would have never considered myself an alcoholic 2 years ago. I just drank beer everyday with my FIL. I thought i was a heavy drinker like my FIL, but my father is an alcoholic. I didn't realize this until i detoxed him in march. It scared me. I don't want to end up going through that. Binging for days and days.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, gman -
Being scared is a good thing, and I'm glad you reached out today. You're doing great by stopping the cycle now, as alcoholism is progressive and it only gets worse (and harder to quit) if we don't stop.
Lots of info and support here, so keep reading and posting - it really does help!
Being scared is a good thing, and I'm glad you reached out today. You're doing great by stopping the cycle now, as alcoholism is progressive and it only gets worse (and harder to quit) if we don't stop.
Lots of info and support here, so keep reading and posting - it really does help!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Hey Gman,
Retired mil here and it is tough to deal with loss and alcoholism. I found after having to drink first thing in the morning to stop the shakes that I had to quit forever. It had ceased to be relaxing several years before.
I was powerless over alcohol when I drank. Boy for a self disciplined man who lived by strict codes I was disgusted. I had no control over it when I drank but boy did I find my power and self discipline and respect in an unexpected place. I had complete control over my sobriety! I could with a little self discipline not drink alcohol any time I wanted to. Now I indulge myself not drinking all the time! I don't just not drink when I get a craving, I not drink morning noon and night! Not drinking alcohol has replaced drinking it as my favorite thing to do!
A month after I stopped drinking my brother who was younger and ran, was trim, did not drink or smoke was felled by a massive heart attack. Three weeks after that My first cousin. I know how hard it is to deal with grief and quitting at the same time is. I just told myself that yes I would have had a good long drunk over it before, but not now. Instead of drinking I stayed sober as I still had full control over my sobriety. I am not a religious person, but I would like to think he was around somewhere in some way. So I dedicated my sobriety to him. I silently promised him whether he could hear it or not, that I would live and not commit slow suicide by bottle in memory of his life cutoff so short. Since I was so newly sober I had to get some support and it was a few months before I could talk about it. My quit date was Sept 2010, he died in October and my cousin a few weeks after. Being sober won't bring him back. I'd like to think he is throwing a little support my way too. I wish I had gotten to say goodbye. I am still sober.
Deal with the grief with a counselor if you can, at least read upon it. And perhaps the recent loss, or the loss of your FIL, or both might be worthy of a dedication of a sober life to them? But don't rush into it any more than a marriage vow. This one, as that, I won't break.
Trust me, you can make it too.
Retired mil here and it is tough to deal with loss and alcoholism. I found after having to drink first thing in the morning to stop the shakes that I had to quit forever. It had ceased to be relaxing several years before.
I was powerless over alcohol when I drank. Boy for a self disciplined man who lived by strict codes I was disgusted. I had no control over it when I drank but boy did I find my power and self discipline and respect in an unexpected place. I had complete control over my sobriety! I could with a little self discipline not drink alcohol any time I wanted to. Now I indulge myself not drinking all the time! I don't just not drink when I get a craving, I not drink morning noon and night! Not drinking alcohol has replaced drinking it as my favorite thing to do!
A month after I stopped drinking my brother who was younger and ran, was trim, did not drink or smoke was felled by a massive heart attack. Three weeks after that My first cousin. I know how hard it is to deal with grief and quitting at the same time is. I just told myself that yes I would have had a good long drunk over it before, but not now. Instead of drinking I stayed sober as I still had full control over my sobriety. I am not a religious person, but I would like to think he was around somewhere in some way. So I dedicated my sobriety to him. I silently promised him whether he could hear it or not, that I would live and not commit slow suicide by bottle in memory of his life cutoff so short. Since I was so newly sober I had to get some support and it was a few months before I could talk about it. My quit date was Sept 2010, he died in October and my cousin a few weeks after. Being sober won't bring him back. I'd like to think he is throwing a little support my way too. I wish I had gotten to say goodbye. I am still sober.
Deal with the grief with a counselor if you can, at least read upon it. And perhaps the recent loss, or the loss of your FIL, or both might be worthy of a dedication of a sober life to them? But don't rush into it any more than a marriage vow. This one, as that, I won't break.
Trust me, you can make it too.
to SR! What plan do you have to quit and stay sober? I did it with a combination of counseling and daily visits to this site. It's kept me sober for three years now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Big book
Hang in there! Her is a link to a Big Book of alcoholics anonymous. Please read the Dr Opinion Big Book Online Fourth Edition
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: houston texas
Posts: 13
Thank you everyone. I'm seeing a counselor to deal with a lot of these issues. I've gotten a check up from my doctor. I just started on an anti-depressant anti-anxiety medication to deal with all these issues. My problem is that like I posted earlier. I didn't consider myself an alcoholic before January 2011. We just pounded beer everyday. But when my FIL died...I guess the stress of the loss....well i found myself saying things like all i wanna do is drink....I just want to numb my feelings.
I was drinking anywhere from 14-16 miller lites a night for 9 months after that. Then when my dad told me after i detoxed him "this is what happens to me when i start" Something in my head just went, man you need to stop. That's when i quit for 100 days. I'm just to scared when I allow myself to drink now. I drank somedays in October...quit for november then drank in december. Problem is that once I allow myself to drink i end up feeling quilty and scared of ending up like my father. I'm just stuck in life at the moment.
I was drinking anywhere from 14-16 miller lites a night for 9 months after that. Then when my dad told me after i detoxed him "this is what happens to me when i start" Something in my head just went, man you need to stop. That's when i quit for 100 days. I'm just to scared when I allow myself to drink now. I drank somedays in October...quit for november then drank in december. Problem is that once I allow myself to drink i end up feeling quilty and scared of ending up like my father. I'm just stuck in life at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Gamanicypress, I learned a really BAD lesson when I was a child: my father used to come home regularly at 5:15 (to this day I dread 5:15) and he was either Ok or a very angry man. The dog and I learned that if he was the "angry man" we would retreat downstairs until my Mother got a few drinks in him. Then everything was OK. Drinks=ok!!
What I did not know was that he had been drinking all day at his work (own business) and the couple of drinks that I thought were "OK" were the hair of the dog.
Much too young to know this, I decided drinking was the "answer".
It has affected my life in so many ways. Took me till 35 to understand that he had been drinking all day, and this was just the end game. Poor man-he was a "pillar of the community" (although I found out much later everyone knew about his drinking).
Well, I got the gene too, and have spent endless effort trying to stay sober. Lots of "time" thank goodness, but a lot of missed opportunities. I will always fight this and to me now, every day is "Day One". (Lots of those I hate to say.)
-Pamel
What I did not know was that he had been drinking all day at his work (own business) and the couple of drinks that I thought were "OK" were the hair of the dog.
Much too young to know this, I decided drinking was the "answer".
It has affected my life in so many ways. Took me till 35 to understand that he had been drinking all day, and this was just the end game. Poor man-he was a "pillar of the community" (although I found out much later everyone knew about his drinking).
Well, I got the gene too, and have spent endless effort trying to stay sober. Lots of "time" thank goodness, but a lot of missed opportunities. I will always fight this and to me now, every day is "Day One". (Lots of those I hate to say.)
-Pamel
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
BTW, it is so true that the "first" drink is the problem. My last go-round (still no end in plain sight) is when I got an AA friend into rehab. How crazy is it that that I thought the best thing to do is have a gin and tonic. Ruined the whole holiday season, and has endangered everything I now have in my life. Still dealing with this, so I hope tomorrow will be day one again....sigh.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Hey bud!
Great that you are in counseling and have your doc checking. He does know how much you have been drinking and that you are working through alcohol issues in addition to anxiety right? Just asking.
It takes time, it did for me. Have you decided to quit for good?
Great that you are in counseling and have your doc checking. He does know how much you have been drinking and that you are working through alcohol issues in addition to anxiety right? Just asking.
It takes time, it did for me. Have you decided to quit for good?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: houston texas
Posts: 13
Itchy
I'm seeing a stress/addiction/family counselor. We are working through on a few things:
1: Removing the stressors out of my control.
2. Fear of becoming my father/what happened to him.
3. My alcohol abuse over the pass 5 years due to stress and loss.
4. Is my alcohol abuse or addiction.
As for my doctor, yes I came clean to him. After I had that talk with my father I continued drinking for another month. I didn't realize that the stress of trying to figure him out and saving him from himself was fueling my drinking. I normally would drink till I would get a buzz, but noticed that after 10 beers nothing. I was thinking... why am I even drinking this stuff. So yeah, when I finally started to figure out that an alcoholic means addicted to alcohol I went into full panic attack. My thought was holy **** I'm going to end up like my father.
So I went to see my doctor in full panic attack...shaking...scared. I told him my dad is full blown alcoholic. 20 years of relapses...10-15 day binges....sleeps for days...goes begging the neighbors for money or alcohol. Leaves home at night to hang out with homeless people... soils his pants....no showers for days....no food...then when he can't go on, withdraw symptoms. DTs...hallucinations. I detoxed him at my home and saw the whole range of symptoms. It scared the hell out of me.
Doctor heard me out and asked about how much i drink. I told him normally my FIL and I would drink about 8-12 beers after i got off work for the last 4-5 years. But when he got diagnosed with cancer, I ended up drinking about 12-16-18 beers a night...running around to the hospital...taking care of the kids...staying up late helping the family...then the funeral. I just never woke from all that stuff until I detoxed my dad. He asked if i could stop and I told him that with the help of the counselor I was cutting back first. He put me on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant.
I cut back to drinking 4 units/day from may-june 2012. Then I quit cold turkey June 28, 2012. My counselor suggested AA for 90 day, and I did it. I now realize I have first hand knowledge of what an alcoholic is. I thought my FIL was one, but he could drink 1 beer or 20.
On October 6 I went to a friends wedding, and I told my wife. I'm going to have one beer....If I freak out and start guzzling a bottle of vodka call the cops. So I did. I had one then we went to dinner. Then two days later I had 8 beers for my b-day. 2 days later 3 at a restaurant. 2 days later 14 at a night of poker.
I tried different things like that through out October then I quit for November. Tried the same experiment in December. Then January, I drank 7 beers at a social function on the 11, went home and had 3 watching tv, then off to bed. On the 12th, I had 4 beers. On the 13 I had 15 beers watching football from 4 to 11 pm. That was my last drinking day.
I just can't shake the fear of seeing my father. I fear becoming like him. I fear ending up like him. I don't know what happened to him. I feel sorry cause the father I remember was hard working and humble. I love my dad. I don't want him to suffer like he is suffering. I was drinking more cause I lost my FIL who was more like a father to me the last 15 years. Then when i saw my father suffering I started drinking more trying to calm myself down...running around trying to save him from death.
Like I mentioned before. My FIL could drink. He was a drinker from age 9 to to 60. My MIL says him and his cousins drank every day, drink to get drunk. Then when he was 60...he just slowed down. Would drink maybe one or two beers, but then when I would show up it was party time. He could go to a restaurant and drink one beer then nothing for days without even thinking about it. Was still having a good time till he was 70. But once the cancer diagnosis came him, he just quit. 6 months later gone. At that same time I drank more.
I'm just scared right now. Today is my day 3, and my first day back on the pills. Need to function for my family. Need to focus at work.
I can't drink now without feeling guilty. I feel scared when I drink. I keep paying attention to my head to see what it says after every drink. When i wake up the next morning, i keep asking myself are you craving a drink? Is that sensation i feel a craving? Is that head pain a craving an urge? I was praying before each time I drank that I would not hurt my family. Seeing my father and learning about alcoholism has taken the fun out of drinking.
I'm seeing a stress/addiction/family counselor. We are working through on a few things:
1: Removing the stressors out of my control.
2. Fear of becoming my father/what happened to him.
3. My alcohol abuse over the pass 5 years due to stress and loss.
4. Is my alcohol abuse or addiction.
As for my doctor, yes I came clean to him. After I had that talk with my father I continued drinking for another month. I didn't realize that the stress of trying to figure him out and saving him from himself was fueling my drinking. I normally would drink till I would get a buzz, but noticed that after 10 beers nothing. I was thinking... why am I even drinking this stuff. So yeah, when I finally started to figure out that an alcoholic means addicted to alcohol I went into full panic attack. My thought was holy **** I'm going to end up like my father.
So I went to see my doctor in full panic attack...shaking...scared. I told him my dad is full blown alcoholic. 20 years of relapses...10-15 day binges....sleeps for days...goes begging the neighbors for money or alcohol. Leaves home at night to hang out with homeless people... soils his pants....no showers for days....no food...then when he can't go on, withdraw symptoms. DTs...hallucinations. I detoxed him at my home and saw the whole range of symptoms. It scared the hell out of me.
Doctor heard me out and asked about how much i drink. I told him normally my FIL and I would drink about 8-12 beers after i got off work for the last 4-5 years. But when he got diagnosed with cancer, I ended up drinking about 12-16-18 beers a night...running around to the hospital...taking care of the kids...staying up late helping the family...then the funeral. I just never woke from all that stuff until I detoxed my dad. He asked if i could stop and I told him that with the help of the counselor I was cutting back first. He put me on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant.
I cut back to drinking 4 units/day from may-june 2012. Then I quit cold turkey June 28, 2012. My counselor suggested AA for 90 day, and I did it. I now realize I have first hand knowledge of what an alcoholic is. I thought my FIL was one, but he could drink 1 beer or 20.
On October 6 I went to a friends wedding, and I told my wife. I'm going to have one beer....If I freak out and start guzzling a bottle of vodka call the cops. So I did. I had one then we went to dinner. Then two days later I had 8 beers for my b-day. 2 days later 3 at a restaurant. 2 days later 14 at a night of poker.
I tried different things like that through out October then I quit for November. Tried the same experiment in December. Then January, I drank 7 beers at a social function on the 11, went home and had 3 watching tv, then off to bed. On the 12th, I had 4 beers. On the 13 I had 15 beers watching football from 4 to 11 pm. That was my last drinking day.
I just can't shake the fear of seeing my father. I fear becoming like him. I fear ending up like him. I don't know what happened to him. I feel sorry cause the father I remember was hard working and humble. I love my dad. I don't want him to suffer like he is suffering. I was drinking more cause I lost my FIL who was more like a father to me the last 15 years. Then when i saw my father suffering I started drinking more trying to calm myself down...running around trying to save him from death.
Like I mentioned before. My FIL could drink. He was a drinker from age 9 to to 60. My MIL says him and his cousins drank every day, drink to get drunk. Then when he was 60...he just slowed down. Would drink maybe one or two beers, but then when I would show up it was party time. He could go to a restaurant and drink one beer then nothing for days without even thinking about it. Was still having a good time till he was 70. But once the cancer diagnosis came him, he just quit. 6 months later gone. At that same time I drank more.
I'm just scared right now. Today is my day 3, and my first day back on the pills. Need to function for my family. Need to focus at work.
I can't drink now without feeling guilty. I feel scared when I drink. I keep paying attention to my head to see what it says after every drink. When i wake up the next morning, i keep asking myself are you craving a drink? Is that sensation i feel a craving? Is that head pain a craving an urge? I was praying before each time I drank that I would not hurt my family. Seeing my father and learning about alcoholism has taken the fun out of drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Thank you everyone. I'm seeing a counselor to deal with a lot of these issues. I've gotten a check up from my doctor. I just started on an anti-depressant anti-anxiety medication to deal with all these issues. My problem is that like I posted earlier. I didn't consider myself an alcoholic before January 2011. We just pounded beer everyday. But when my FIL died...I guess the stress of the loss....well i found myself saying things like all i wanna do is drink....I just want to numb my feelings.
Keep coming back, this site is awesome and as you can already see, very supportive. Welcome.
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