Thank you for all your warm welcomes. It truely is a miracle I'm still alive. Yes, I do see a psychiatrist, and that's where lots of my "drugs" came from. I know my doctor is a caring person, for he is the only one who actually listens to me when I have nothing but complaints to spew. I've seen more than my fair share of doctors and have been on so many meds I cannot think of one I haven't tried. Other than benzos for my anxiety, and opiates for pain, nothing seems to work, and those have finally stopped working or tolerance has built up so much I have reached the limit of my meds. I do not want to go through life in an amnesia haze where I don't remember anything, good or bad. That's what benzos did to me. AD meds, for me, are useless. Counciling is something I cannot afford, yet I still seek to find help from one. Money always seems to be an issue, and sliding payscales don't work either when you are broke. Every friend I had now uses some sort of drug, and I learned I cannot be around them or else I fall right back into the same routine of living to be numb. Animals, (pets), are a wonderful thing to have in your life, but it just so happens that I had to put my dog of almost 16 yrs down 3 days ago because of a tumor. Almost had me relapsing. She, (Zoe), was always there to greet me every morning and every night. Twelve pounds of unconditional love
I still look to make sure she has food/water, then realize she's gone. She had a better personality than most humans I come in contact with. I still find myself looking down at my feet expecting to see her lying there. The house is so silent. I have stopped looking for that special "someone", hoping that they will walk into my life when I least expect it. I'm still waiting... I also have thought about helping others, yet my social anxiety is so bad I cannot get out w/out getting physically sick. I've followed the directions of "facing my fears", yet for me, it's like telling someone with a broken leg to,"walk it off". Sorry, but it hurts too bad. I also envy those that get help from AA/NA. for me, I would walk out of those meetings with more cravings than I went in with. It just seems to be a lot of reminissing, which makes me remember the times I would use to get away from life for just a while. God bless those who get help from meetings. I always remember asking an old psychologist of mine if there were any meetings around my area where people like myself could get together. Her response was,"No, but why don't you try starting one"? I had to remind her why I was seeing her in the first place.