Welcome, Chloe! Sad that you have a need to be here, but glad that you have found SR Community!
I've also struggled with the concept of addiction being a disease, but I do believe that a healthy person wouldn't choose to be an addict. I also believe that only they can get themselves well. Kind of like if someone has cancer and their spouse goes for treatment for them. Well, it doesn't work that way with cancer and it doesn't with addiction either.
This really is all about YOU. Your feelings, your choices, your reactions. It is empowering when you get to the day where the hopelessness leaves you and you realize that you do have choices on how you are going to live your life and to what extent you want your children to be exposed to addiction.
Read the stickies - lots of powerful information there. And know you are in the midst of people who have lived what you are going through and really do understand.