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Old 01-09-2013, 06:24 AM
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New here...

Hey! I am "new" here.. I am basically looking for support for people who are going through what I am. My husband is addicted to painkillers ( roxy, oxy, opana etc) and occasionally heroin. He has been addicted for 5 years on and off again. We have been married for 10 years. I didn't find out about the addiction until 3 years ago and since then its been an up and down roller coaster ride which I am sure you are all well aware of.
I don't know if I am supposed to tell my story but I will spare you all the details right now....
I really am hoping I find support here.. Just knowing that people are going through what I am makes me feel a lot better..
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Old 01-09-2013, 06:40 AM
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Welcome to SR Chloe.....everyone here understands what it's like to love an addict. For some it is a spouse, others an adult child, some it's a parent or sibling and some it's a significant other.....but we all understand.

Something that is really helpful when someone is new here is if they explain how they are (or have been) coping. What have you done to help yourself through this? Have you attended meetings? What have you read? Do you have face-to-face support? Children? Share a little about yourself so that we can get to know you.

I'm glad you found us but as always....sad for the reasons that bring you here.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-09-2013, 06:54 AM
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Chloe,

I am glad you have found SR.

I am a newer member and I am so glad I joined. My Addicted Other was an oxy user for years and has moved onto cocaine a year ago. The addiction has ripped through my house and caused so much destruction. It helped to know I was not alone in this. I am able to start working on me and getting peace back in my life even though the addiction is still present in my life.

There is a lot of good material to read here.

Carrie - The Belle Of The Ball
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Old 01-09-2013, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Welcome to SR Chloe.....everyone here understands what it's like to love an addict. For some it is a spouse, others an adult child, some it's a parent or sibling and some it's a significant other.....but we all understand.

Something that is really helpful when someone is new here is if they explain how they are (or have been) coping. What have you done to help yourself through this? Have you attended meetings? What have you read? Do you have face-to-face support? Children? Share a little about yourself so that we can get to know you.

I'm glad you found us but as always....sad for the reasons that bring you here.

gentle hugs
ke
Alright, some things about me.... We have 2 daughters; our oldest is 8 the other is 8 months. Our 8 year old knows (sadly) just based on what she has heard and seen that her Dad is "sick".. My husband was sober for 2 years and relapsed in March 2012 with Opana. From March until October has been the worst months of my life. He has been clean since October 21. He is in drug counseling. We also go to marriage counseling and I do individual counseling. I haven't gone to any narc-anon meetings. I am struggling with seeing this as a disease. I am hoping I learn to accept it as one, though. I am a co-dependent. I try to control everything in hopes that he won't use. I am slowly learning and accepting that I have nothing to do with it. If he is going to use then he will. He was not at the point of using everyday. He would use for a day or two and then stop for a week or two. ( He also is on suboxone which I hate)... Anyway... we have made much progress since October. But I still think I need more support. I kept this a secret from my family until October. His parents know about it, have been very, very helpful to me and our daughters. They are wonderful people. Their other son is also an addict. ( Husbands younger brother) and was the one who introduced my husband back into the world of drugs last March.
Sooooo.. I feel like I am just giving pieces and parts of my story, but Im not sure what I should share. I don't want to live in the past . I am trying to live in the present and forget the past.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:28 AM
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Chloe, have you read Codependent No More a wonderful book by Melody Beattie?

I think it is good that you have your own therapist.

I try to control everything in hopes that he won't use. I am slowly learning and accepting that I have nothing to do with it. If he is going to use then he will.

Your so right about that You didn't cause it You can't control it You can't cure it

I am struggling with seeing this as a disease.
Personally I have no doubt that it is a disease but with that said we do not have to tolerate the behaviors or their using they can get help if they really wanna stop. I am not saying it is easy but neither is over coming codependency.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:48 AM
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Thank you for sharing more about yourself and your situation. It helps us understand and relate to you.

It's good to hear that you are all seeking counseling. I hope that it has been helpful for all of you. It sounds as though you have a good support system through that counseling and his parents. I would highly recommend Nar-Anon meetings (or Al-Anon if Nar-Anon isn't available). Those rooms are full of people who understand the fear and anxiety associated with loving someone who is addicted. It may also give you a better understanding of the disease and how we often react to it......our involvement so to speak.

There is a lot of very helpful information here on SR as well and a great deal of support. Sometimes it's helpful to get other perspectives on our viewpoints. We can all sometimes get some skewed thinking and it's helpful to hear the experience, strength and hope of others.

Again.....welcome to SR. I hope you find this a comfortable place to share your thoughts and feelings.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:52 AM
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Welcome, Chloe! Sad that you have a need to be here, but glad that you have found SR Community!

I've also struggled with the concept of addiction being a disease, but I do believe that a healthy person wouldn't choose to be an addict. I also believe that only they can get themselves well. Kind of like if someone has cancer and their spouse goes for treatment for them. Well, it doesn't work that way with cancer and it doesn't with addiction either.

This really is all about YOU. Your feelings, your choices, your reactions. It is empowering when you get to the day where the hopelessness leaves you and you realize that you do have choices on how you are going to live your life and to what extent you want your children to be exposed to addiction.

Read the stickies - lots of powerful information there. And know you are in the midst of people who have lived what you are going through and really do understand.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:28 PM
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Welcome Chloe,
Wanted to say hello,seems like we share a similar situation unfortunately. My husband also got hooked on pain meds. He is 10 months clean now, and has been using individual counseling for treatment. (He did go to a non-12 step inpatient rehab for a few months, but it was also based on individual therapy). We do marriage counseling also,and I have been doing individual therapy; never tried narc-anon meetings either. Our son just recently turned the big "1”

I am glad things have improved for you since October. I have found that it does get easier as time passes. But still I get scared sometimes, and I wish I could protect my husband. Like you I have learned that he has to take responsibility for his health and be the one to stay away from the drugs. It also helped me to realize I don’t want to have a controlling type of relationship with him. I want us to be partners, and we have to respect and trust each other in order to do that. Rebuilding trust takes time when you have been on a rollercoaster but it can happen again I think if both people work at it.

I try also to keep in mind that within our relationship if I focus too much on the addiction stuff; worry, control, it throws the whole relationship out of balance. I have to let him become an equal partner again within my mind, so we can continue to move forward, and appreciate all the more enjoyable aspects of our relationship together.

Sounds like you have great support, and family. How is the situation with his brother now?
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by allforcnm View Post
Welcome Chloe,
Wanted to say hello,seems like we share a similar situation unfortunately. My husband also got hooked on pain meds. He is 10 months clean now, and has been using individual counseling for treatment. (He did go to a non-12 step inpatient rehab for a few months, but it was also based on individual therapy). We do marriage counseling also,and I have been doing individual therapy; never tried narc-anon meetings either. Our son just recently turned the big "1”

I am glad things have improved for you since October. I have found that it does get easier as time passes. But still I get scared sometimes, and I wish I could protect my husband. Like you I have learned that he has to take responsibility for his health and be the one to stay away from the drugs. It also helped me to realize I don’t want to have a controlling type of relationship with him. I want us to be partners, and we have to respect and trust each other in order to do that. Rebuilding trust takes time when you have been on a rollercoaster but it can happen again I think if both people work at it.

I try also to keep in mind that within our relationship if I focus too much on the addiction stuff; worry, control, it throws the whole relationship out of balance. I have to let him become an equal partner again within my mind, so we can continue to move forward, and appreciate all the more enjoyable aspects of our relationship together.

Sounds like you have great support, and family. How is the situation with his brother now?
Things are NOT GOOD with his brother. His brother is a full blown addict of everything and anything he can get. He went to rehab for a week in December and came home. He is an alcoholic, heroin addict and is causing such chaos. His parents ( my in laws) are at odds as to what to do- kicking him out seems to be their only option.

Our situations sounds similar and I am glad to hear your story. I am at that point of trying to let go of control and realizing that I don't have any control that I think I even have. I do have "control" of our finances. I had to open a separate bank account over the summer when things were very bad. I don't like it but its how it has to be and he willingly does not want access to money because he just does not trust himself.

What type of things are you doing to move forward? Im sure you feel like me- where everything else was taken away in our marriage and the addiction has become the one and only thing. So we are trying to just live and go on dates and not talk about the addiction at all, other than in counseling or if he needs to talk about something. Its hard. I get angry about it sometimes and want to fight. But I know thats not good.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:03 PM
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Chloe, Welcome to SR. It sounds like you have a lot going on but that you are making strides in recovery in the midst of it all. One of the most important things I have learned in recovery is to take care of myself. It sounds so simple but for me it was hard to learn. I am also codependent and for a long time would rather kill myself fighting my daughter's addiction than focus on living my own life.

Little by little I am learning to take good care of myself and let her do the same (if she chooses). I watch comedy, read fiction, enjoy hobbies, have spa days, exercise, etc. but the single most important thing I do to take care of myself is to work my recovery program. It has saved my life...
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:11 PM
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Chloe, Welcome to SR. It sounds like you have a lot going on but that you are making strides in recovery in the midst of it all. One of the most important things I have learned in recovery is to take care of myself. It sounds so simple but for me it was hard to learn. I am also codependent and for a long time would rather kill myself fighting my daughter's addiction than focus on living my own life.

Little by little I am learning to take good care of myself and let her do the same (if she chooses). I watch comedy, read fiction, enjoy hobbies, have spa days, exercise, etc. but the single most important thing I do to take care of myself is to work my recovery program. It has saved my life...
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Chloe1981 View Post
Things are NOT GOOD with his brother. His brother is a full blown addict of everything and anything he can get. He went to rehab for a week in December and came home. He is an alcoholic, heroin addict and is causing such chaos. His parents ( my in laws) are at odds as to what to do- kicking him out seems to be their only option.

Our situations sounds similar and I am glad to hear your story. I am at that point of trying to let go of control and realizing that I don't have any control that I think I even have. I do have "control" of our finances. I had to open a separate bank account over the summer when things were very bad. I don't like it but its how it has to be and he willingly does not want access to money because he just does not trust himself.

What type of things are you doing to move forward? Im sure you feel like me- where everything else was taken away in our marriage and the addiction has become the one and only thing. So we are trying to just live and go on dates and not talk about the addiction at all, other than in counseling or if he needs to talk about something. Its hard. I get angry about it sometimes and want to fight. But I know thats not good.
Hi Chloe,
Im sorry to hear his brother is still actively using; I was hoping maybe he got into some type of treatment when your husband did. My heart goes out to you on that situation. I know it must be difficult for your husband also. Mine had to remove the friends from his life that were associated with his drug use. In his case, it was guys from work, so he asked for transfer to another project and another building. But that is still so much easier than dealing with a family member.

Yes, everything in our relationship was clouded by his addiction in some way, and even after he got into recovery, things related to recovery took on a disproportionate role in our lives for a while. That was necessary of course, but all the feelings and issues that come out during recovery (for both of us) made things tense in some ways, and often there was an elephant (or a herd of them) in the room; things we had not yet worked out during individual therapy or marriage counseling.

It sort of like an earthquake comes in and rattles your house, and when its done there are broken things and cracks in the walls. I think that was the first thing we had to do was look at the damage. The foundation had been shaken, but it was still strong, and we knew we could repair and rebuild the rest. So we just tried to remember all those things that we appreciated about each other, and like your doing started to slowly reconnect, and do things together just like your date nights.

When you talk about ‘anger’ and wanting to fight with him. I would ask is it over things that are in the past, or consequences your both dealing with because of the past, or new things that are causing problems? Have you talked about it with one of the therapist?

I had anger over lots of things in the past that he did, and to be honest I was also angry at myelf for things that I had done in response to things he did, but I was blaming him for my actions too. So a lot of those types things I worked out alone with my therapist. Sometimes I only wanted him to really understand and acknowledge how I had been hurt by his behavior. And once I felt that from him, it was on me to accept what happened and choose to forgive. Some things were just done and he could not go back and change it, so I had to think about what I expected him to do. Is that sort of where you are at right now? You have these feelings and they are sometimes very powerful (out of the blue) and you want to fight with him to release the pressure ?

Couple things that helped me were writing things down and putting my feelings on paper. Doing that made me think about things past and future, and it helped me keep moving forward.

Our marriage counselor also encouraged us to do various sharing’ activities. So in one - we would each take a turn and share what types of feelings we had experienced that day. Not in a confrontational way, but we would acknowledge if something made us feel closer, happy, loved, or angry, scared, confused & then briefly say why we felt that way. And if there was anything serious (or really positive) we were to write it down and discuss it later in front of the therapist. this helped us recognize patterns of behavior between each other, and how we responded and reacted based on the feelings we felt. It also helped us acknowledge good feelings in particular, and show appreciation if an effort was made in some way.

Also really important was that I tried to pull myself out of the addiction stuff. So just doing things with your kids, or working out on a regular basis, scrapbooking, having lunch with friends; whatever makes you feel good about yourself, boost your self esteem and gives you confidence. I took a hit in all those areas during my husbands active addiction period. In some ways now I see that I grew a lot during that time, but when I was caught up in it; I couldn’t see that, and it sort of left me feeling traumatized in a lot of ways.

Its nice to meet you Chloe. It helps me to hear about your situation also, so for coming here to SR.
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Old 01-13-2013, 08:51 AM
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I'm angry at everything to be honest. Our relationship was never this fairy tale type thing. But he is still lying ( I just posted about it) and I'm just angry and hurt. Part of me feels defeated and I want out. The other small part does not. Wen is enough enough? I ask myself that all the time. Even though he hasn't used drugs since October, he has had 2 drinking episodes which were chaotic to say the least.. That's how it feels- just like chaos. And when there isn't chaos I feel like it's just tense from the aftermath of it all.
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Old 01-13-2013, 08:58 AM
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you feel chaotic because that's all it is. i've been in chaos for months on end and still wondering when enough is enough. i think the end is near, for me. i hope you and i can both get the peace in our lives we deserve. good luck to you, you are in my thoughts.
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Old 01-13-2013, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by mstrust View Post
you feel chaotic because that's all it is. i've been in chaos for months on end and still wondering when enough is enough. i think the end is near, for me. i hope you and i can both get the peace in our lives we deserve. good luck to you, you are in my thoughts.
I feel as though my end is near, too... In terrified. But this behavior is insane.
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Old 01-13-2013, 10:30 AM
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And I do find myself clinging to our normal moments.. I cling to them for dear life. What am I putting my daughters through??? My 8 year old knows what's going on and she has seen and heard too much. I feel like the worst mother in the world. What kind of parent subjects their kids to this chaos?!?
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