Anger and Resentment at myself
Actually, PosFriend, I've always been pretty good at expressing my feelings; that is one reason I got into the mess I did with XABF: he never wanted to hear how I felt, per alkies, just wanted me to smoke pot, drink with him, keep the house clean and f*** him, and keep my mouth shut. Although, you are right, I did just shut down and stop talking about how I felt after a while, because it was obvious how little he cared and actually made him angry.
I was talking to my Sponser yesterday and she made me realize that I have a great deal of anger and resentment bottled up that's directed at myself and that I have to let myself feel that (I am not good at feeling anger). Something along the lines of having an expectation of being able to fix the alcoholics in my life (XABF but really, alcoholic father) and resenting myself for not being able to fix it i.e. Why would a drug addict/alcoholic treat anyone well ? Is this a reasonable expectation? I also blame myself for being too "needy" (i.e. I wanted to have a close relationship with XBF which made him feel overwhelmed, so he married another addict, so they would be overwhelmed by their substances instead. This courtesy of my therapist, who says I'm a love addict, and that my addiction kept me hooked into the relationship, and "engulfed" him, while he just wanted to focus on his addictions)
Although some of this makes sense to me, it also confuses me. My Sponser says she doesn't believe the love addict model, and that she thinks I am simply an Al-Anon, who got mixed up in a very textbook relationship with an addict who doesn't care about other people, and only wants to drink/drug.
I do not want to feel anger and resentment at myself-I think I have been through enough. My Sponser says it is like blaming a victim for being beaten up. ( She does not mean I am a victim). It is creating a great deal of pain for me and I need to figure out what to do with it, how to get rid of it. Maybe it is just another one-day-at-a-time thing. I really appreciate being able to speak my mind on this forum, that and your concerned comments have already helped me greatly. Thank you.