Do any "codies" out there experience "slips"?

Old 01-04-2013, 04:26 PM
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Do any "codies" out there experience "slips"?

I was in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic pothead. It was a very unhappy experience and ended extremely badly. Everyone, all of my al-Anon friends, my therapist, my sponser, and the knowledgeable and understanding people on this site have made every arguement possible extolling the positive aspects of the relationship's demise. It really was, for all intents and purposes, a true disaster, and sometimes I actually recognize it as such; however, there are times, and they are becoming fewer and farther between,when I am wracked with such a horrible feeling of sadness, lonliness, guilt, anger, etc. I have been in Al-Anon for 1 year and 4 months, and attend a meeting every evening. I have worked hard at building friendships here, people I can trust that are there for me,( and that I can, in turn, be there for) and am regarded as someone who has really "worked my program", i.e., doing service work, leading discussions, acting as Literature Chair for my home group, and everyone tells me i've "blossomed" into a "great example of the program". Although I am a rather introverted person, I have also put the effort into becoming more outgoing, especially at work, where i have always felt rather powerless but am learning to feel grateful for. A few people there said today that they thought I was "mean" (because I was quiet) but they've realized how sweet I really am. After my bad experience, and growing up in an alcoholic home with epilepsy and bi-polar, I've always been kind of down on myself, you could say a victim or scapegoat. Now that I'm learning things don't have to be this way, i think i am partially reacting to the scariness of my growth(?) and the responsibility that it entails. It scares me when I have flashbacks about my ex and how out of control they make me feel. I still feel a lot of rejection around the breakup, and could be "addicted" to it (him?) but am trying to remember all of the good things in my life now and how unhappy I really was then. Then i start to feel ungrateful.
Anybody experience these types of rollarcoaster emotions around breakups/relationships that were blessings in disguise? Thanks for your comments.
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Old 01-04-2013, 04:41 PM
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Yep, I do. It comes and goes, but as more time goes by, it happens less frequently. Rejection is a big part of it all - and I think its normal, even when its not rational or logical, to feel rejection after a break up. Even when we were the ones who wanted it to happen!

Emotions don't always make sense. The better I get at accepting that, the more peaceful life is.

It's a process - one step at a time, one day at a time.
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:05 PM
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Oh yeah, me too. We have been separated for getting close to 2 years now and I still have occasional relapses. As TG said they aren't near as often or near as bad. I can't say I miss the way it was but I sometimes miss the way it could have been. Or at least the way I think it could have been.

Damn that magical thinking.

Said, hang in there and work your program. It does get better.

The other thing I saw in your post was others tell you how good your recovery looks but it doesn't seem that way to you. In my case I was much better at seeing others progress but not my own. That too gets better. At some point I had a simple moment when I realized how much better I was. It wasn't anything earth shaking but it hit me that this recovery stuff really does work.

Your friend,
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:15 PM
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I did, at many points in my life I preferred fantasy rather than reality. The what if's were difficult to overcome. It all takes time, progress not perfection.
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:27 PM
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Absolutely ... it's a process and we'd all like it to go faster than it does.
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Old 01-04-2013, 06:52 PM
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m1k3-That magical thinking can really get you!

Just wanted to comment that I think your point about mourning how you "wanted it to be" can be very powerful to me as well. I was in denial about his addictions and I think I projected the idea that there was a bond between us that never really existed because a connection with an addict is not possible. I do feel my growth in a very spiritual way when I make connections with my Al-Anon friends; they understand and reciprocate in a way that no addict ever could. I hope that soon that will become the norm rather than the exception and I will learn not to accept anything less from the people in my life. Thanks.
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:40 PM
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Major codie relapse here. White knuckle it through the holidays and then found out my AH is in a relationship (we have been separated for 3 years). It hurts just as bad as before and I wonder why I can't get past it. But yes they come less frequently and it is usually a sign that I need to work my program, and stop romanticizing what could have been and only the good parts of our relationship. There were so many good things and I have to accept that that part of my life is over. But there will be plenty more good times ahead for me. Sometimes I just have to focus on the things that I had such a hard time with that are no longer part of my daily life. There is a peacefulness to not living with active drinking that makes me feel that I will be strong enough to not put myself in that situation again. Keep up the good work with your program and know that others are here for when you need a hug, kind words or a reality check.
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:11 PM
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First, I hope this comes out right from a stranger... Im really proud if you. I would bet that expressing as much as you did in that post and making yourself vulnerable that way would not have been possible for you not long ago?

I get what you mean. I had a great deal of friction with my beloved RAW for so long, like every damned week because she would go ballistic any time my ex contacted me for any reason (we have some complicated financial ties that don't go away in a month or year). I was so damned angry and defensive about her 'jealousy' until recently when she flipped me upside down somewhere like 6 hours into a breakthru all night talk we had. She said she wasn't worried that I wanted to get back with her, didn't feel like my ex was more appealing to me... It was really about the way my ex could control me and send me for a loop by pushing the right buttons. Wife and I were friends and colleagues and she'd seen it for years. I was me at work, but my ex could just chop my legs out at will and did it for sport seemingly. Got me thinking..l yeah, I still worry about ex playing games and hurting me professionally and socially. Getting out of that relationship meant giving up my whole social circle, several organizations and groups and well, it hurt. I never hit back or set the record straight and over the last few months the people I missed most have quietly started to reach out and let me know they care.... I'm glad that when push came to shove I found the guts to walk away and take the pounding I knew was coming.

Anyway - when you wrote about how out of control you feel and how rejected you triggered my blurting all this out :-)

I spent 14 years on a hamster wheel trying to get some sort of acceptance or affirmation from someone who was like lucy pulling the football away from Charlie brown. Be this - I became it, be that - I became it, it was like that scene with Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. Bark like a dog.... A big dog.... Hop on one leg....
It wasn't until I was hopping on one leg, barking like a big dog, patting my head and rubbing my belly while reciting the alphabet backwards while making the right income with the right title at the right firm with the right car, tailor, image that she ran out of hoops for me and made a mistake - "now keep doing that stuff and take my side while I make your daughter do it". I stopped barking, hopping, patting, rubbing, reciting and placating and calmly looked her in the eye and said "go f-- yourself". That was almost two years ago and I'm learning who I am after 40 years of being a chameleon for others.

It's comparatively a walk in the park now, my beloved bride is "only" a recovering alcoholic, piece of cake after my childhood and 14 years of being an endless source of narcissistic supply :-)

Sorry, babbling ...

So here's a positive thought for you... I have spent a lot of time analyzing and researching and asking the past year or so. The same "weaknesses" I fought in my personal life are huge advantages in other areas. I stopped beating myself up over them and started appreciating them as parts of me and damnit, I like me again. My fear of setting off a bipolar npd mom ? You ought to see me work a tense client negotiation and get everyone feeling like they won. Yeeeesh, " normal" folks feel incredibly at ease Around me. I'm that boss that manages thirty individuals thirty different ways and knows just how to appease everyone on the board of directors without losing my cool. Having to suppress my own feelings unknowingly for years until I knew what I was permitted to think or feel around someone? It taught me how to listen and empathize and how to make others feel appreciated.

So maybe it would help you to take a step back and ask yourself where your quirks are gifts as well... I'm spending a lot of time learning to figure out positive (and ethical) ways to benefit from my Achilles heels and recognize the unhealthy patterns and thoughts BEFORE I react to them. Don't just do something, stand there... A silly six word recoveryism that flipped the switch in my life.

Last thought... When I can't find the right 12 step cliche To articulate what im pondering i make one up... My latest is "the past can be instructive or destructive". I'm still stubbing my toes but rarely the same toe on the same obstacle these days (yeah, made that one up as I typed it, finding the right thing to say on the fly is another one of those gift/curse thingies)

Your post just dragged all that out if my subconscious ...add "by sharing my fears and doubts with others, I'm helping them find their way" to your list of "reasons why I have value and deserve respect and consideration"

Thanks:-)
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:15 PM
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Wow - now I'm tired ;-). Gotta shut my brain off sometimes.
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:19 PM
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YES YES AND YES!!! The wave of emotions over my EXRABF go easy for awhile then I get a pang in my stomach and miss him terribly (the good qualities about him and everyone has some good ones). Like many of you said I miss the "what if, the if only, the maybe, and all the other fantasy thinking.

When I get these pangs like I did two days ago, I'm reminded to visit this forum; continue to read and work with my Therapist. In those moments I remind my self that IF he was to ________(fill in the blank) for real THIS TIME, then I would know by his actions somehow. The Universe has a way of letting us know.

I also remind my self that all of those hurtful attributes (selfish, short tempered, impatient, mean, doesn't keep promises or commitments) didn't get all that much better after a year of sobriety, daily AA meetings, sponsor, therapist, psyche, and Meds. The chances of those DEAL BREAKERS (for me) drastically changing in him at 48 years old is highly unlikely.

This way of clear, factual thinking helps me get out of fantasy land and puts my feet back on the ground. When all of that isn't enough a good cry works too.
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Old 01-05-2013, 04:39 AM
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Yes I slip!!!! I did last weekend and ended up driving to the wrong state while trying to "manage" RAH's night at home alone!!!

I look at that trip as the universe reminding me that I still have work to do and I can't control EVERYTHING!!! I don't want to anymore, its exhausting. Life chugs along just fine without me in the director chair.
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Old 01-05-2013, 04:49 AM
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I tend to have slips where I buy into someone's lies, even though I know they're not true.
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Old 01-06-2013, 10:54 AM
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Anger and Resentment at myself

Actually, PosFriend, I've always been pretty good at expressing my feelings; that is one reason I got into the mess I did with XABF: he never wanted to hear how I felt, per alkies, just wanted me to smoke pot, drink with him, keep the house clean and f*** him, and keep my mouth shut. Although, you are right, I did just shut down and stop talking about how I felt after a while, because it was obvious how little he cared and actually made him angry.
I was talking to my Sponser yesterday and she made me realize that I have a great deal of anger and resentment bottled up that's directed at myself and that I have to let myself feel that (I am not good at feeling anger). Something along the lines of having an expectation of being able to fix the alcoholics in my life (XABF but really, alcoholic father) and resenting myself for not being able to fix it i.e. Why would a drug addict/alcoholic treat anyone well ? Is this a reasonable expectation? I also blame myself for being too "needy" (i.e. I wanted to have a close relationship with XBF which made him feel overwhelmed, so he married another addict, so they would be overwhelmed by their substances instead. This courtesy of my therapist, who says I'm a love addict, and that my addiction kept me hooked into the relationship, and "engulfed" him, while he just wanted to focus on his addictions)
Although some of this makes sense to me, it also confuses me. My Sponser says she doesn't believe the love addict model, and that she thinks I am simply an Al-Anon, who got mixed up in a very textbook relationship with an addict who doesn't care about other people, and only wants to drink/drug.
I do not want to feel anger and resentment at myself-I think I have been through enough. My Sponser says it is like blaming a victim for being beaten up. ( She does not mean I am a victim). It is creating a great deal of pain for me and I need to figure out what to do with it, how to get rid of it. Maybe it is just another one-day-at-a-time thing. I really appreciate being able to speak my mind on this forum, that and your concerned comments have already helped me greatly. Thank you.
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Old 01-06-2013, 11:10 AM
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Yes I do have lots of confusing emotions...

It's been 6 months since breakup with axbf. I have had a few really good days the past few weeks and some truly awful ones. I do miss the "good times" as there certainly were lots of them. There were many interests that we shared together. I spent most of the last 3 years with him and his friends and have been struggling to rebuild my life again. I was kind of lonely on New Year's Eve, for instance. It sounds like you have been going through the same kinds of growing pains.

Then I get angry when I reflect upon all of the broken promises and his verbal abuse. He could be downright rude and nasty when he was in a bad mood, and especially if he had been out drinking with his friends the night before.

I think it is normal to have conflicting feelings about breakups. I mean, even if they are good for us in the long-term, suffering through the short-term is not always easy. We get very attached to people (especially us codies).

It doesn't help that I keep running into him (he works right across the street from me now, grrrr).

Anyway, hang in there it sounds like you're doing well!
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Old 01-06-2013, 12:30 PM
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Said - you got daddy issues, I gots mommy issues, both gots issues allowing ourselves to emote.... Nice thing about therapy and forum is that you see yourself in others and it kinda validates the " ok, I am responding normally to a common stressor" ...then it's easier to figure out how to respond healthily instead of normally.

Addicts when active mimic many traits of NPD... Your feelings don't matter because empathy is not there.

I really had my confidence in my own sanity shaken after my ex, meant a lot when my therapist told me I was a lit saner than I thought and very good at seeing, accepting and adapting once aware of where my thinking is off. Still have second half if my life to go, no reason I can't live it much differently :-)

Hang in there and give yourself a break. It's tough when you realize that it isn't the other person you dislike so much as the person you are or were when around them....

I'm getting very good at spotting the type of person who triggers my little weirdisms and either avoiding them or very quickly establishing thick steel boundaries with them.

Kinda funny - few months back I had to deal with that profile at work - someone who bullies and demeans in order to control and I didn't flinch at all, just completely shredded his argument and told him not to go after one of my department heads unless he had the facts... My boss was shocked since I'm rarely combative... He asked me later why I got so angry and I just laughed... Said I wasn't angry at all,must dog psychology... Little dog likes to run around yapping until a bigger dog gets in his face and says WOOF! ..l then he pees down his leg and leaves you be.

Another benefit of figuring out the dynamics of our unhealthy relationships, once you know what the other person is doing and why you can more easily disarm them or, if nasty streak is driving that day, deball them. Bullies set me off ;-)
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Old 01-07-2013, 03:35 PM
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Sorry, what's NPD?
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by FindingJoy View Post
way of letting us know.

I also remind my self that all of those hurtful attributes (selfish, short tempered, impatient, mean, doesn't keep promises or commitments) didn't get all that much better after a year of sobriety, daily AA meetings, sponsor, therapist, psyche, and Meds. The chances of those DEAL BREAKERS (for me) drastically changing in him at 48 years old is highly unlikely.

This way of clear, factual thinking helps me get out of fantasy land and puts my feet back on the ground. When all of that isn't enough a good cry works too.
Thanks, this is very helpful. I often struggle with the same fantasy thinking in regards to axbf, but he had all of those bad attributes and more. There is no chance he is going to change much...
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:32 PM
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Oh, Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Yes, since the addict is inherently selfish and self-centered, I can definately see the comparison. I really don't dislike myself as much as the other person; when I was in the relationship, at least I was wondering why he would put me down/ignore me when I got excited about something I had done or wanted to do- I had moments of clarity when I wondered what he found so "wrong" with me. It's sort of like something I read in another post- "didn't like him but thought I loved him..."
And speaking of boundaries, getting ready to jettison an ex from 7 years back who has never respected my boundaries-makes plans with me then dissapears, etc.-a real precursor to this latest louse. I'm just going to explain that I don't need people in my life anymore that disrespect me. Also, have got 3 people in my life now that are "interested" in me, but I am not planning to get in to another primary relationship before I'm ready; maybe another year or more. I don't need to "line up" someone to keep me from being alone like XABF. Learning a lot in the program. Wish me luck and thanks for letting me share-this is not goodbye, however, just a heartfelt thanks to all of you for your continued support!
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Old 01-07-2013, 07:27 PM
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Good luck and have fun... Sounds like you've got a plan that works for you in mind. Have some fun!
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Old 01-07-2013, 09:30 PM
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I love this site...I am a relapsing codie now...this thread helps me get through the day and night!
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