What it's like...8 months later
May 1, 2012 my AH told me he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. Rewind to at least 6 months prior, and know his past a 26 years as a recoving alcoholic. Schooled and working in the mental health industry.
The last sentence should prove to you, this disease hits anyone. Being sober for 26 years does not guarantee you a life of sobriety.
I did the same as most of you did....blamed myself, him, and life in general. And then tried to figure it all out.
Guess what.....there is no rhyme nor reason to this disease. You may learn the specifics, but why it happened, will always be a mystery.
During this same time my Dad got sick and died. I always thought AH would be here for me. I was wrong.
Then my Mom got sick....and again, I believed in make believe. He was not there.
I consider myself a smart woman....hold a good job, deal with clients and can put my life on hold to work.
Will admit that when my birthday came in November, I thought he would recognize it. Why I should think that when he didn't even recognize my Dad dying is amazing. Oh wait...it's called DENIAL.
He was arrested for possession of a controlled substance during all this drama. Honestly I hoped he was with really mean guys in jail. Ones that would scare the **** out of him. Guess not.
It got cold in Dallas, and he needed to get winter clothes and although I changed the locks and alarm system, I let him come home to get things with his brother (that I do trust). He told me that he needed to get tools in the garage. LOL....you are living in a dive apartment and why do you need these? Whatever, he got them. And now learn that addicts pawn these. How much can you buy with a pawned chain saw??
He told me that he wanted to talk about what happens next. I said, I will talk about that when you get sober and clean. Honestly, that is just buying me time as I know he is going to go after my 401K, and the house. But I have paid this mortgage the entire time I have lived in this house we both bought. For the last 8 months, I have paid the bills. And also....sat....cried....and wondered what I did wrong that my life would end up like this?
This week....when the New Year was rang in....I thought....this time, next year, things will be better. I am not sure how though.
What I do know is this. A person does not become a drunk suddenly. If they had a problem before you met them, that problem will always accompany them throughout your relationship. And honestly, the alcohol is just a symptom of something else in their life that they have not dealt with.
I am posting this....only to tell anyone just starting out on this journey it is that the hardest thing to realize is that you did not do anything wrong. You did not force them to drink. They tell you their horrible childhoods, and that is to justify their consumption of alcohol. Every bad thing that happens to them gives them a reason to take another drink.
Look at yourself....do you think you deserve this? Walk away from thoughts that you will be the one to make them stop. All of us on this realm thought the same.
I miss AH. I miss the great parts of his personality that are gone. I miss our life together and what I always thought would be there until we died.
The hardest step in this journey is the one where you walk away. Get on with your life. Pick up your confidence that you lost along the way. It's ok to cry because tears heal.
I am now working on me. I have a great therapist that doesn't let me blame myself. And there are no secrets with my family...warts and all it's in the open.
I was where you are now....and I would read the same things, and thought...I am different. I can fix this. I can make it work.
The people you meet here are only trying to make it easier for you. There will be a time, where you are saying the same to another person, just starting this journey.
Teaching a child to walk means learning baby steps. It is the same for recovery of those left behind with alcoholism. Take care! You can do it!