What it's like...8 months later

Old 01-05-2013, 08:07 PM
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What it's like...8 months later

May 1, 2012 my AH told me he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. Rewind to at least 6 months prior, and know his past a 26 years as a recoving alcoholic. Schooled and working in the mental health industry.

The last sentence should prove to you, this disease hits anyone. Being sober for 26 years does not guarantee you a life of sobriety.

I did the same as most of you did....blamed myself, him, and life in general. And then tried to figure it all out.

Guess what.....there is no rhyme nor reason to this disease. You may learn the specifics, but why it happened, will always be a mystery.

During this same time my Dad got sick and died. I always thought AH would be here for me. I was wrong.
Then my Mom got sick....and again, I believed in make believe. He was not there.

I consider myself a smart woman....hold a good job, deal with clients and can put my life on hold to work.

Will admit that when my birthday came in November, I thought he would recognize it. Why I should think that when he didn't even recognize my Dad dying is amazing. Oh wait...it's called DENIAL.

He was arrested for possession of a controlled substance during all this drama. Honestly I hoped he was with really mean guys in jail. Ones that would scare the **** out of him. Guess not.

It got cold in Dallas, and he needed to get winter clothes and although I changed the locks and alarm system, I let him come home to get things with his brother (that I do trust). He told me that he needed to get tools in the garage. LOL....you are living in a dive apartment and why do you need these? Whatever, he got them. And now learn that addicts pawn these. How much can you buy with a pawned chain saw??

He told me that he wanted to talk about what happens next. I said, I will talk about that when you get sober and clean. Honestly, that is just buying me time as I know he is going to go after my 401K, and the house. But I have paid this mortgage the entire time I have lived in this house we both bought. For the last 8 months, I have paid the bills. And also....sat....cried....and wondered what I did wrong that my life would end up like this?

This week....when the New Year was rang in....I thought....this time, next year, things will be better. I am not sure how though.

What I do know is this. A person does not become a drunk suddenly. If they had a problem before you met them, that problem will always accompany them throughout your relationship. And honestly, the alcohol is just a symptom of something else in their life that they have not dealt with.

I am posting this....only to tell anyone just starting out on this journey it is that the hardest thing to realize is that you did not do anything wrong. You did not force them to drink. They tell you their horrible childhoods, and that is to justify their consumption of alcohol. Every bad thing that happens to them gives them a reason to take another drink.

Look at yourself....do you think you deserve this? Walk away from thoughts that you will be the one to make them stop. All of us on this realm thought the same.

I miss AH. I miss the great parts of his personality that are gone. I miss our life together and what I always thought would be there until we died.

The hardest step in this journey is the one where you walk away. Get on with your life. Pick up your confidence that you lost along the way. It's ok to cry because tears heal.

I am now working on me. I have a great therapist that doesn't let me blame myself. And there are no secrets with my family...warts and all it's in the open.

I was where you are now....and I would read the same things, and thought...I am different. I can fix this. I can make it work.

The people you meet here are only trying to make it easier for you. There will be a time, where you are saying the same to another person, just starting this journey.

Teaching a child to walk means learning baby steps. It is the same for recovery of those left behind with alcoholism. Take care! You can do it!
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:31 PM
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Thank you for this wonderful post - I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad and your Mom getting sick. Mine both recently passed and I dealt with both losses on my own too. Sending you strength and hugs - I know I need both to stay on this path without AH. I need to move on and I am grateful for reading this!
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:33 PM
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Thank you so much for your poignant and honest post. Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:43 PM
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I am starting my journey alone, hopefully by the end of this week. I have spent the last 8 months working on me and now I am ready to leave my AH!!

I look forward to joining you to the other side. The side of light, joy, trust, honesty and peace! The side free of the darkness, chaos, addiction, and lies!
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Old 01-05-2013, 09:14 PM
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When I first found this site, I was so scared. And then I started reading stories, that echoed my own. (honestly I thought I was the only one going through this craziness). I was amazed by these people....how can you share hurt, pain and humiliation with this disease? Look at it as cancer....can hurt anyone. Would anyone choose this to live? But.....would anyone choose this life honestly? I am alone, scared but strong.
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Old 01-06-2013, 06:01 AM
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This is a great post. My AH and I have been separted since May as well. This hit home. You sound so strong and give me hope.
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Old 01-06-2013, 08:50 AM
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Sanity2012,

Thank you for your post. I feel fortunate in a way that I was only living/dating my e-abf. Had I gone into a marriage with him I would have been stuck in his chaos, the violent outburst, and non-stop drinking until the day I woke up to say it’s not okay. I still hurt and today I work up sad again.

During our last 8 months together my Mom got terminally ill. I thought he’d be there for me but like your husband he was not. 4 months in the ICU siting there by myself praying my Mom would make it through my e-abf made my life a living hell. I’m lucky though; my Mom lived and is now better. I don’t know how many more years I have with her but I’m thankful she lived.

I was in denial the whole time my e-abf and I were together. I just couldn’t see why he needed to drink, or why when he didn’t drink he would shake the way he did. I had never encountered an alcoholic before and after what I have lived/witnessed I will never be with one again. The pain has been too much, I feel like I’ve been at war and now living the aftermath of destruction left from the battle.

Glad you’re on SR and your post helped me this am to know I’m not alone. I will always wonder if he’d been sober would we have continued and grown into a wonderful relationship or not. I miss him terribly or I should say what I miss is only a few hours a day I had with him prior to drinking. Sad to think I craved a few hours a day and thought that would be acceptable, thank goodness I know better now!
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Old 01-06-2013, 09:11 AM
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Sanity,

That recovery looks good on you.

Your friend,
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Old 01-06-2013, 09:52 AM
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Thank you for the sincere honest post! I am sorry you have been thru so much loss! You've been thru a lot and appear to be keeping a positive outlook which will pull you thru ! I agree with your post! As sad and heart breaking as your post maybe it is so very very true! Best wishes to you
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Old 01-06-2013, 02:21 PM
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Wonderful post, so full of realistic hope and experience.
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Old 01-06-2013, 06:36 PM
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Thanks all! It is amazing when you love someone, how little you are willing to accept. Someone taught me, to think as if I was talking to my best friend going through the same situation, and I was counseling her. Would you wish this on anyone else? Then why wish it on yourself??????
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