pernell,
thanks for removing all the things that stand between me and the grace of god!! this prayer is truly an awakening. i know god waits in the doorway for me, i can feel his presence. maybe i can let go of my anger with him that i've justified to myself. all those tears and years of bitterness and blame i had.your prayer is so full of things that can't stay hidden anymore. you have provoked an idea in my head that may help me attain grace.
as i reflect back in my life i will share with you all my childhood. i was brought up by 2 upstanding presbytarian new englanders. generations of dysfunction(alchohol, addiction, physical, emotional,abuse. very quiet, proper, dignified, community-minded, upstanding citizens. we attended a very old church in the city. the parishioners were elderly, transient(college students) and a few core highly sucessful white-collar professionals that supported the financial burdens of the church. my parents were the top contributers of the church. they were very immeshed in all of the comitees and functions of the church. my dad was an elder, a deacon and advisor of the church.he was also the lead baritone soloist in the church choir. he was an accomplished pianist and also involved himself and my mom in many musicals and community based operas. the church and his military high security job in engineering (building war -planes((f111) were his main focus. we were the cleaver family in the pews. we were all there for every function at the church. my much older brother and myself. we were the norman rockwell children. my mom was the most beautiful woman in the church always dressed to the t with her seams on her nylons perfect and her homemade treats perfectly displayed for the congregations. i spent hours playing in the church and years of attendance at every possible function there was. i worked pancake breakfasts and clothing drives and church bazaars, i have very few childhood memories, because of sexual abuse i assume, but most of my clear memories involve being at church. i wonder when i stopped trusting god. i wonder if i ever did. i was sexually abused by my older brother every thus. night whike my parents were at choir practice. he was my trusted sitter. i think about the age of 3 or 4 it started and went on till 11 or 12. i can remember singing "jesus loves me, this i know" in the church nursery and thinking to myself that i must be the bad girl that he didn't love. i guess the place i'm going is that i never found myself worthy of god's grace andd he was there all the time. now when i go into a church all i do is sit there while tears leak down my face. i guess it's all about trust that i want to contemplate. i may post a new thread about trust, and i know that pernells prayer touched me deeply and is helping me to recover. this is a real ramble and i hope i haven't offened anyone talking about church and sexual abuse, but i need to heal and trust god again, because i haven't done too well with my own will and i'm tired. hugs from sugar