First, I hope this comes out right from a stranger... Im really proud if you. I would bet that expressing as much as you did in that post and making yourself vulnerable that way would not have been possible for you not long ago?
I get what you mean. I had a great deal of friction with my beloved RAW for so long, like every damned week because she would go ballistic any time my ex contacted me for any reason (we have some complicated financial ties that don't go away in a month or year). I was so damned angry and defensive about her 'jealousy' until recently when she flipped me upside down somewhere like 6 hours into a breakthru all night talk we had. She said she wasn't worried that I wanted to get back with her, didn't feel like my ex was more appealing to me... It was really about the way my ex could control me and send me for a loop by pushing the right buttons. Wife and I were friends and colleagues and she'd seen it for years. I was me at work, but my ex could just chop my legs out at will and did it for sport seemingly. Got me thinking..l yeah, I still worry about ex playing games and hurting me professionally and socially. Getting out of that relationship meant giving up my whole social circle, several organizations and groups and well, it hurt. I never hit back or set the record straight and over the last few months the people I missed most have quietly started to reach out and let me know they care.... I'm glad that when push came to shove I found the guts to walk away and take the pounding I knew was coming.
Anyway - when you wrote about how out of control you feel and how rejected you triggered my blurting all this out :-)
I spent 14 years on a hamster wheel trying to get some sort of acceptance or affirmation from someone who was like lucy pulling the football away from Charlie brown. Be this - I became it, be that - I became it, it was like that scene with Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. Bark like a dog.... A big dog.... Hop on one leg....
It wasn't until I was hopping on one leg, barking like a big dog, patting my head and rubbing my belly while reciting the alphabet backwards while making the right income with the right title at the right firm with the right car, tailor, image that she ran out of hoops for me and made a mistake - "now keep doing that stuff and take my side while I make your daughter do it". I stopped barking, hopping, patting, rubbing, reciting and placating and calmly looked her in the eye and said "go f-- yourself". That was almost two years ago and I'm learning who I am after 40 years of being a chameleon for others.
It's comparatively a walk in the park now, my beloved bride is "only" a recovering alcoholic, piece of cake after my childhood and 14 years of being an endless source of narcissistic supply :-)
Sorry, babbling ...
So here's a positive thought for you... I have spent a lot of time analyzing and researching and asking the past year or so. The same "weaknesses" I fought in my personal life are huge advantages in other areas. I stopped beating myself up over them and started appreciating them as parts of me and damnit, I like me again. My fear of setting off a bipolar npd mom ? You ought to see me work a tense client negotiation and get everyone feeling like they won. Yeeeesh, " normal" folks feel incredibly at ease Around me. I'm that boss that manages thirty individuals thirty different ways and knows just how to appease everyone on the board of directors without losing my cool. Having to suppress my own feelings unknowingly for years until I knew what I was permitted to think or feel around someone? It taught me how to listen and empathize and how to make others feel appreciated.
So maybe it would help you to take a step back and ask yourself where your quirks are gifts as well... I'm spending a lot of time learning to figure out positive (and ethical) ways to benefit from my Achilles heels and recognize the unhealthy patterns and thoughts BEFORE I react to them. Don't just do something, stand there... A silly six word recoveryism that flipped the switch in my life.
Last thought... When I can't find the right 12 step cliche To articulate what im pondering i make one up... My latest is "the past can be instructive or destructive". I'm still stubbing my toes but rarely the same toe on the same obstacle these days (yeah, made that one up as I typed it, finding the right thing to say on the fly is another one of those gift/curse thingies)
Your post just dragged all that out if my subconscious ...add "by sharing my fears and doubts with others, I'm helping them find their way" to your list of "reasons why I have value and deserve respect and consideration"
Thanks:-)