It's weird, the last time I broke my NC I felt sad, but this time I feel ... strangely content. While I am hurt that he didn't follow through with his promises, I wasn't caught off guard. Before I started talking to him again, I acknowledged the real possibility that he wouldn't make good on his promises. Even though I opened the lines of communication, I didn't get my hopes up. As suggested on SR, I focused on his ACTIONS. It's ironic, while addicts are master manipulators, their actions always give them away.
It's become clear to me that his plans for recovery were just that. He made no attempt to make recovery a reality. Honestly, I feel relieved. He may not have changed, but I definitely have. I feel like the things I have learned in therapy and on SR helped me protect myself. That's progress, and while I did engage, I didn't allow myself to get sucked back into his chaos. I understand feeling ashamed, but once I realized how much I've grown, the shame dissipated and transformed into pride.
I honestly think it takes an immense amount of courage to admit your minor relapse. It inspired and comforted me, and prompted me to admit my relapse. It's easy to beat yourself up for a mistake, but IMO mistakes are just opportunities to learn and grow.