blackandblue

I was done. I had cut him off. I relapsed. And I did not expect different results and I did not get different results. Why would I expect any different? God I am so ashamed.

And I gave in even though I knew better. It was late Christmas night and I caved. And I got burned. Big time. And it hurts. God this time of year is hard and after he got his way now he is acting like he does not care. Wow, this cycle really sucks. It is getting fewer and farther between which is progress but I think this might be slowly killing me.

I feel like I let myself down and I feel like I let everyone else down here. I am totally embarrassed and almost considered not posting. I am smarter than this and I know better.

I have to say though for the purpose of sharing experience strength and hope, I am revealing this because I am sick of denial and hiding. I know that no one out there is judging me. It's just that as I write this I can already hear your responses and you are all right.

Why can't I let go? Is it my addiction? Is it the "betrayal bond?" Is it loneliness? The need for validation? PTSD? Exhaustion? Depression?

I just got home last week and have had a great time so far. It's so good to be home and I am so mad he moved to my home town. Maybe I am not strong enough to be here with him here. I have so much going for me and I am putting that at risk.

I feel so shaky and anxious. I believe I have become attached to the trauma. It's not healthy and he uses his brilliant charm and manipulation to lure me in and I bought it. Seriously when am I going to take back the best years of my life and just make peace with the reality.

I have been going to meetings and am trying to reacclimatize and this really did not help. There is something that I am not getting. And again, I am embarrassed I am coming back to this forum with this news. God help me focus on the things I need to do to nourish myself. What I did was give my heart for a crumb of love. So stupid.

And on another note, I love you all and thank you for listening even though I keep repeating mistakes. I will start over tomorrow. He is so not worthy of me and I know it. Oh God I gotta do some heavy crying and praying tonight. I am going to give this one over to God because I can't do it.

Bubovski

I kept repeating those mistakes for fifty years. Shame and negativity can work against you too. Get back to day 1; put the lapse behind you. Depression, anxiety, tricky emotions; they all combine to weaken us and that great fraud alcohol simply exacerbates the whole misery...........Take care; be kind to yourself.

BillyPilgrim

There is only one answer
Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again

We all waver, we all have setbacks. The only ones who fail are those who dont learn from them.

You will manage it.

loofas

hope things turn out for the better:ghug3

dollydo

It's ok, most of us here have been there, done that, we are codies, that is what we do. I finally had to take off my rose colored glasses, they were making me dizzy, I couldn't see clearly through them, been doing better ever since.

You did it, it's over, throw it out in the bucket and move forward...2013 is right around the corner...perfect time to start anew!

My best....Dolly

Kindeyes

That takes a lot of courage to say "whoops I did it again." And believe me, just having the courage to say that is extraordinary progress! As Dollydo said, we've all been there so many times it can't be counted. Heck, I remember there was a time when I didn't even think about it and couldn't figure out why I was so miserable! So being able to recognize the cause and affect is HUGE!

Take care of you!

gentle hugs
ke

BunnyNest

I've done it over and over too. I am becoming more aware, and I know you are too. That is something and that is progress. We are learning.

I like this quote because each time is a little different and we are lost, but we are finding our way.

“A man went to Istanbul, his first visit there. On his way to a business meeting, this man lost his way. He began raging at himself for getting lost, until a realization allowed him to transcend his ire. "How can I be lost? I've never been here before?" pp 104-105”
― Melody Beattie, The Lessons of Love: Rediscovering Our Passion for Live When It All Seems Too Hard to Take

zoso77

BlackAndBlue...

When are you going to allow your brain to know what it knows?

Best,
ZoSo

LoveMeNow

I am sorry Black and Blue for this set back. But make it just that...a temporary, painful lesson and set back!

Personally, I would be relieved he showed his true self and colors so quickly. One painful night or week, is much better then another painful month, year or years.

My friend's therapist told her to wear an elastic band around her wrist and when she thought about something harmful to her (her ex) - to snap the elastic. The idea is to train the brain with punishing the thought. It really helped her. Just thought I was share that tip.

Don't be ashamed or beat yourself up, it will only hurt your self esteem more. Be kind and loving to yourself and accept that mistakes happen!

lightseeker

First, I don't think that you let anyone down. This is tough stuff. And beating ourselves up doesn't help either.

When I do things like this I go back and look at how I set myself up for "relapse". Was I lonely, vulnerable (then ask why), angry, hurt, uncomfortable, etc. And then.....that gives me the action plan - as in, what do I need to do to prevent that scenario from happening again. I ask myself "what could have kept this from happening?" And the answer is not "I should have been stronger, I couldn't help it". It's ALWAYS a set up in some way - I just have to recognize what the set up is.

Betrayal bonds can be very tough to break but it is totally do-able. Just know that you need a lot of accountability and support to do it. It's the same sort of thing as if you were trying to stop using a drug, alcohol, gambling....you just can't be in situations where there is any temptation. Having an accountability partner really helps me. That person can't stop me but just knowing that I am going to tell someone before I do something really helps me a lot.

blackandblue

Thanks everyone! Zoso- I laughed so hard when I read your reply. My brain knows. My gut knows. My heart knows. I just need to get them all to have a conversation with each other.

The scenario was late Christmas night. Only 2 days back in town. I had just had a nice day with my family and then when I was alone and vulnerable so I gave in and saw him. I think it was love, affection and adoration that I was craving that he usually satisfies temporarily. And he did. And then I was hooked again. But not entirely. I did not trust him even as I was making a decision to see him and when we were together.

I realized that he does not have the capacity to fake it like he use to. He shows his true colors pretty quickly now. He started out sweet and quickly turned south the next time I saw him. It's not just about the drugs and addiction anymore. It's him. His personality. I dare diagnose him even though I have the authority to do so. I think I have been taken by a serious sociopath. I have only seen him a couple of times in the last year and it is always hot and cold. I can see more now that I could not see before. That is what the distance did for me but I am still addicted. My relapse showed me that.

I am moving past the excuses. Thanks for helping me see that I have made progress. I have convinced myself that these brief encounters don't hurt me and that I can handle it. But I think it just chips away at me. Even he sees it and I think he knows he is not good for me. I feel like an alcoholic who just said oh well its the holidays I deserve a drink and a toxic elixir at that. I could let this be a minor or major setback. I choose minor. I have too much going for me to let the ball drop.

I just want to put it out there that I think I let myself get too exhausted over the last couple of years which has led to repeated relapses and instability in my life. I am resilient and healthy and can appear so on the outside. But inside I think I let this whole experience of the last several years take over my mind. I do think I was locked up in a mental prison. I just read about sociopaths and that they tend to be chameleons that become the person you want them to be to fill in what you are missing in yourself. I will leave the details out about things he does and says because the reality is tangled up in such a cunning game of cat and mouse. Literally to the point where I feel crazy.

The sad truth is that addicts can recover but a psychopath or sociopath cannot. Because they usually never recognize their behavior where as an addict can. He sees his need to stop using without any accountability for his behavior. He literally blamed NA for his relapses. Believe me he got all of his hooks in my mouth and just when I think they are all gone, I find another one. I admit that I got hooked on the "bad boy" and think still that I have a lot of healing to do from this relationship and my tendencies in relationships. The only other option is to stay with him and get destroyed. Whatever it is that has me hooked is a pretty strong and dark force. I know I am better than this. I know I deserve better. And I don't mean from a man but also from a man if and when I am ever healthy enough to move on.

I have to come to terms with that he likely will never let me go until I let him go. It's not as simple as us having distance from each other. In his eyes, I am the porcelain doll on the shelf he is so eager to break. I am not a real person to him. I am just a pretty thing he wants to play with and has no real care or regard for. It's all about him and now I have to make this all about me. To him, I am just a pawn he needs to push out of his way and use when he needs. That is what kept me coming back. Feeling insignificant and wanting validation. Yuck.

I have actually made progress in my recovery from what I think is love addiction and separation anxiety. Not that it needs a label but I need to name it. I am at a turning point where I have only been knee deep in the waters of recovery and now I need to dive in the deep unknown. This isn't a game anymore. This is my life. And it's a good one at that.

One day at a time. Serious love for people here on SR. So grateful. I will return to the land of the living shortly and let go of my negativity and shame around what happened.

Blessings

crazybabie

I admire your honesty and I have been in your position many times I would do it over and over and over I am currently back with my AH and things are going good I can ony take it one day at a time.

Love addiction those words jumped out at me I use to listen to this song often because it says how I was feeling at the time.

Beyonce - Poison (with lyrics) New song release 2009 official video - YouTube

You recognize what caused everything to happen that is a good thing as far as feeling your missing something from meetings I felt that way but the more I go the more ahhh moments I do finally get.

Ann

Mistakes become good lessons if we can learn from them and grow.

It may have felt like the same thing again, but this time you knew that it would not end well and discovered you were absolutely right.

Keep going to meetings and keep growing stronger. One day soon it will just make sense to you to move on and leave him far far behind.

Talking about it here is a sign of recovery, no more shame and guilt, just honest sharing and an effort to try harder. Can't do better than that.

Hugs

ISOHumility

Blackandblue,

I pray you let that shame blow right through you...we have all been there, in different ways, with different people.

For me, when I cave, I tell myself it will take what it takes. And then, when I've taken enough--learned what I need to learn--with God's help, I will be done.

LoveMeNow

Maybe its tiime to lighten it some - so you can take a breather from beating yourself up!

Think of it this way - Hey, it was a booty call and the sex wasn't as good as you remembered.

Done, over, finished, good riddance, bon voyage, adiós, see ya!!

Vale

Black & Blue,

BFD.....you had a setback.You are no lesser a person than any poster here.
There's a word for people who take on hard,tough tasks...and complete them
without missteps or doubts:

(LIARS!)

zoso77

BlackAndBlue,

You made a decision to go into "fantasyland". I did the same thing a year ago in the face of overwhelming evidence. Thus, I didn't allow my brain to know what it knew. The good news for me is when my AXGF pulled what she pulled, everything became crystal clear. It was like, OK, I get this now.

Hopefully this will be the last time you go into fantasyland. Fantasyland is for people who don't know any better. You do.

Best,
ZoSo

Kindeyes

Some of us (as I look in the mirror) take trips into Fantasyland hoping that the landscape has changed.....even when we know better. It's that ol' "doing the same thing over and over and over hoping for a different result" thing. It doesn't necessarily mean we're not the sharpest tool in the shed. Eventually we get tired of the same ol' same ol' dirt.

It takes each of us however long it takes.......we'll stop going there when we're sick and tired of being sick and tired......and not a minute sooner.

gentle hugs
ke

Katiekate

Honey, there is no shame, just progress.

Shame is useless. You are growing and you are wonderful.

xo

Vale

^^^^^^^^^^^

(what Katiekate said)