Originally Posted by
Tellmenolies 
Thankyou all such wise words of wisdom and I realize how messed up I am as I scream in my thoughts I am not co dependant. I read A bit of MB and couldn't relate.
My RA isince he's been sleeping downstairs for 2 months and I've asked him to leave for 6 months to give me space has
Seeked counselling
Attended AA
Said he was sorry numerous times
My concerns
When asking him for a suitable consequence for our daughter he still gives warnings no action
He still doesn't ask her to contribute to any help around the house
He still pretends and acts like everything is great
He is taking benzos now
He hid that from me in the past
I'm afraid he will relapse with these
As far as my daughter
She has been none violent for 2 months
At first supported me in leaving now doesn't
Is seeing a psychiatrist
Went to dr
Is working more almost full time
Is highly dependant but can't afford to move out on her job pays little and rents are high here
She won't move in with anyone
She loves me to death in between the abuse
My feelings are rah past has messed her up she needs support...I need to be there for her but she knows this is the last time.
My rah last time was when he did nothing to support me with her abusive tyrant 2 months ago thus he is asked to leave and sleeping downstairs
So hope works has he repented? Is being sorry enough? He has always been sorry this confuses me.
Remorse and repentance are not the same thing. True repentance means changing direction... this is true action and not just words.
Saying you are sorry is very easy to do and requires nothing except words... something A's have a lot of and that is empty promises.
From what I am gathering from what you have written (messageboards do not give the entire picture and that is why we try to stay away from advice as we are not professionals) it sounds like your A does want to save the marriage for various reasons (spiritually at least) and is at least abstinent.
You are still harboring resentment because you believe that his past behaviors have resulted in your daughter's problems and he has been unable to or unwilling to do what you believe are his responsibility in helping to resolve those relationship issues.
If he is willing and you are willing and you both name Jesus as savior then nothing is impossible. But just like recovery there would be a lot of work to be done in true healing, forgiveness and work on forging new relationships in the future.
AA and Alanon were developed out of scripture and universal spiritual laws that are bible based could be an answer for you both. If you desire to save the marriage then I would suggest that you try Alanon with a sponsor and do the steps and he try AA and get a sponsor and work the steps. Once this is accomplished and if done with true sincerity and the work is completed you can see what you have then.
As far as repentance... this is one of the best things I have ever read on true repentance:
What Are Practical Signs of Repentance?
How do you know if you’re on the path of repentance? What does the penitent life look like? How can you tell if someone you love is really changing? People who are serious about change tend to display similar behaviors that let you know they are on the right track. Here are a few signs you’ll find in a truly repentant person:
Repentant people are willing to confess all their sins, not just the sins that got them in trouble. A house isn’t clean until you open every closet and sweep every corner. People who truly desire to be clean are completely honest about their lives. No more secrets.
Repentant people face the pain that their sin caused others. They invite the victims of their sin (anyone hurt by their actions) to express the intensity of emotions that they feel—anger, hurt, sorrow, and disappointment. Repentant people do not give excuses or shift blame. They made the choice to hurt others, and they must take full responsibility for their behavior.
Repentant people ask forgiveness from those they hurt. They realize that they can never completely “pay off” the debt they owe their victims. Repentant people don’t pressure others to say, “I forgive you.” Forgiveness is a journey, and the other person needs time to deal with the hurt before they can forgive. All that penitent people can do is admit their indebtedness and humbly request the undeserved gift of forgiveness.
Repentant people remain accountable to a small group of mature Christians. They gather a group of friends around themselves who hold them accountable to a plan for clean living. They invite the group to question them about their behaviors. And they follow the group’s recommendations regarding how to avoid temptation.
Repentant people accept their limitations. They realize that the consequences of their sin (including the distrust) will last a long time, perhaps the rest of their lives. They understand that they may never enjoy the same freedom that other people enjoy. Sex offenders or child molesters, for example, should never be alone with children. Alcoholics must abstain from drinking. Adulterers must put strict limitations on their time with members of the opposite sex. That’s the reality of their situation, and they willingly accept their boundaries.
Repentant people are faithful to the daily tasks God has given them. We serve a merciful God who delights in giving second chances. God offers repentant people a restored relationship with Him and a new plan for life. Listen to Hosea’s promise to rebellious Israel:
Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. (Hosea 6:1-2, emphasis added)
After healing comes living. Repentant people accept responsibility for past failures but do not drown themselves in guilt. They focus their attention on present responsibilities, which include accomplishing the daily tasks God has given them.
One final thought. Repentance is not a solo effort. God doesn’t expect us to lift ourselves up by our own bootstraps. Through His indwelling Spirit, God shapes and molds us to make us pure and blameless in Christ. Listen to Paul’s hopeful words: “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13). For many people, the first cry of repentance is, “I can’t change by myself; I need You, God.” Thankfully, those are the sweetest words to God’s ear.