Why do I feel I need to stay and accept this life? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 01-01-2013, 05:27 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Why do I feel I need to stay and accept this life?


My reasoning is
1.god brought us together and we should work out our problems as witness to others
2.RA
3.i am too strong and he can't handle me and who could
4. No ones perfect
5. What about our friends
6.our family
7.everyone thinks I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man
8. My problems are not as bad as most people's A
9.my kids are adults but living at home ... Family will mean something different for them
10. Money
12.i work from my house
13. He will do anything to keep me
14. Everything he does is for me not for him and this is his problem and mine no backbone passive aggressiveness has double edged sword ...u think i should be happy cuz i get everything i want just not a real relationship if that makes any sense
15.is anyone really happy?others will have problems too.
16.Have been together 33 years and its all I know
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Old 01-01-2013, 05:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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The bottom line is, you are unhappy.

That means something to me, it could mean something to you too.

You are in my thoughts.

Katie
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Old 01-01-2013, 05:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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"16.Have been together 33 years and its all I know."

To me, that sums it all up.

Hope that you find some happiness in 2013.
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Old 01-01-2013, 06:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I would take 15 off the list. Other people are really happy; you can be, too, and moreover you deserve to be. 7 is also questionable, in my opinion. Other people don't have to live with him and you do!

If this is as good as it ever gets, is that the life you want to live? You only get the one; sadly, there are no dress rehearsals!
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Old 01-01-2013, 07:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Sometimes it's so obvious but denial is so strong and comfortable. thank you
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Old 01-01-2013, 08:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Maybe its fear of real intimacy and the joy that can come with it. Well that has been my excuse to keep being with men that don't provide that to me.

What has helped me move forward is to realize life is not forever. And to remember God wants me to be happy. Or at least in peace with myself.
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Old 01-01-2013, 09:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Never really thought about that but I will do some serious reflection on that . Thanks
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Old 01-01-2013, 09:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tellmenolies View Post
My reasoning is
1.god brought us together and we should work out our problems as witness to others
2.RA
3.i am too strong and he can't handle me and who could
4. No ones perfect
5. What about our friends
6.our family
7.everyone thinks I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man
8. My problems are not as bad as most people's A
9.my kids are adults but living at home ... Family will mean something different for them
10. Money
12.i work from my house
13. He will do anything to keep me
14. Everything he does is for me not for him and this is his problem and mine no backbone passive aggressiveness has double edged sword ...u think i should be happy cuz i get everything i want just not a real relationship if that makes any sense
15.is anyone really happy?others will have problems too.
16.Have been together 33 years and its all I know
I really needed to read your post tonight. Our stories are so similar. I've been married to an A for 33 years, too! One adult child is still living at home; however, we do have a 9 year old, too. Your reasons for staying WERE my reasons for staying until I had a revelation a few weeks ago. Decided to leave because my AH is drinking (and verbally abusive when he does), passed out or not home. What kind of life if that for anyone? This is all I know but I want to know MORE. It's been a roller coaster ride for most of our married life. Drinking, quitting, drinking, quitting . . . Funny, I always sought professional help through the years, and he encouraged it! He didn't need the help in his opinion - I did! I can't remember a Christmas that he didn't pass out. I can't remember if he ever kissed me at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve! His drinking has always taken a front seat to me and our kids, our friends, family and church. I know I can be happy again. I would rather face the world alone than have to care for a drunk who meets absolutely no needs of mine except a paycheck. I can make my own paycheck. He's a different person today. Not the same man I married. I want to continue to support and encourage him from a distance AFTER I heal. For the first time in our marriage, instead of praying for him to see the light and get help, I gave it to God in prayer a few weeks ago. Many things were revealed to me in such a short time through weekly sermons, through conversations with others, devotional readings and scripture. Coincidence? I don't think so. Once I made the decision and told him, the verbal and emotional abuse was unbearable. It spilled over onto the kids. It validated my decision and gave me strength I never knew I had. The holidays this year were a living nightmare but I persevered knowing it will soon come to an end. The alcoholic is clever and conniving. They know how to throw a wrench in everything. After all the abuse and ruining Christmas, he called me today from work, CRYING!!!! He said he would quit. He promised he would work on our marriage. He said he loves me - haven't heard that in years!!! After his speech, I asked him to get professional help, nicely. I told him I had to continue with my plans but would attend Al Anon. Guess what he said? No. He can do it alone. He's done it before. OH BOY! WRONG! I tried to point out that it obviously didn't work and it's progressed to a point that I don't have a choice anymore. I have to do this for me and for him. Now he wants to sell the house, quit his job and wants me to move anywhere I want to with him to "start over". I'm not falling for it. . . seems like every time I've tried to leave, he has some trick up his sleeve to keep me hanging on. Tonight I say, thank you Jesus for the grace and discernment to see through these broken promises and crazy schemes of his. He has a disease but he's not willing to admit he's powerless. Nothing will change until he can . . . I'm here for you and I know what you're feeling.
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Old 01-01-2013, 10:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Wow how sad I could barely read through the tears.I know your pain. Mine hid is alcoholism so well that it wasn't till he quit a year ago that Interestingly I realized this has been the problem all along. He is a master at deception and I left him 6 years ago for one of his most hideous lies I found out.I lasted 40 days and took him back when he confessed the lie. Things were better for A couple years with therapy but still went back to same distant behaviour. Hiding downstairs drinking for the most part. I spent most Christmas nights alone ,birthdays ,anniversarys ,holidays...oh we always went out for show but when it was time for affection or alone time he was downstairs drinking while I thought he was watching tv. He is an obsessed Christian always reading bible and never misses church. Everytime my daughter is physically mentally abusive to me he cowers and does nothing to help. I have to call police and handle all responsibility and discipline. I have had my car stollen ,my tire slashed ,bruises that took weeks to heal etc. No help. This last onslaught of abuse by my daughter and no help has led me to ask him to leave.I know sounds crazy but she is so angry about her past she takes it out on me and has a lot of problems. I know I shouldnt feel sorry for her but i do. She was spanked a lot by him and manipulated.Our pastors are working with keeping us together I don't get it. They feel Because hes willing God can heal.Mytherapist thinks otherwise.Ilost the ability to trust God for awhile and I am working to get that back.rah is going to AA first one yesterday. Trying anything as well.But now taking benzos.He has had porn addiction in the past too.I have been going to church and the last few sermons have been on commitment ,forgiveness .No signs for me to leave.But I have been asking for truth to be revealed and its coming tenfold. I'll pray for you and hugs to you.
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Old 01-02-2013, 03:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Like Tellmenolies I also found your post very sad, and although I have been with my BF for three years (not 33 years) I felt the same as you do, and still do to a certain extent. The saddest is your comment #15, which I still struggle to fight against believing.

It's hard to tell from your post what your full situation is, but when you say "RA", are you saying he is a recovering alcoholic? Does this mean he has quit yet you are still feeling like life is still hard? We may have different reasons for feeling like this, and I'm sure this is perfectly normal and justified. I am with you on that one, as my BF has also quit, but I sometimes get so sad about it all in terms of the time we have lost, and that even if he doesn't relapse that our relationship is somehow not pure or normal because of what happened. I think it is true that all couples have problems to deal with, but that there should be some energy directed to resolving those problems and some element of happiness or there really is no point.

I am trying not to let everything that's happened get on top of me, and to take each day as it comes especially given its a new year. It's difficult as the memories keep flooding back (kind of makes me angry that only I remember these things and have to be the one to keep reliving them), and there are a lot of unresolved issues, but I made a choice to trust in his promise to stay sober so this is where I'll stay. Getting through the last month or so sober, especially with Christmas, New Year, and his dysfunctional family trying to coerce him into drinking despite his pleas for them not to making everything very difficult for him, is a big win for him and our relationship I think.
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Old 01-02-2013, 05:19 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I am the product of an abusive alcoholic home, 50% of us children who are raised in that type of enviornment either become an addict ourselves or end up marrying one. I married them, monkey see, monkey do, that was all I knew until I found recovery for myself.

You have a real mixed bag in your home. If it is your daughter who is abusing you, you can do something about that, toss her out, she is an adult, enabling her and giving her a soft place to land, is not the answer. No one will physically or verbally abuse me in my home...period.

I have known many who hid behind the bible, they know the words, yet they are unable to live them. God gives us the boat and the oars, it is up to us to use them and row to the shore.

Take some time to read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, and the stickeys at the top of this page, as well as cynical one's blogs. There is an answer to your problem, search for it, nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse.
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Old 01-02-2013, 06:11 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Your post really touched me!

It makes me feel angry at being a co-dependent - that core feeling of guilt to make sure everyone else is happy by sacrificing your own happiness. I will try my best not to ever live like that again its miserable.
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Old 01-02-2013, 07:31 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tellmenolies View Post
My reasoning is
1.god brought us together and we should work out our problems as witness to others
2.RA
3.i am too strong and he can't handle me and who could
4. No ones perfect
5. What about our friends
6.our family
7.everyone thinks I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man
8. My problems are not as bad as most people's A
9.my kids are adults but living at home ... Family will mean something different for them
10. Money
12.i work from my house
13. He will do anything to keep me
14. Everything he does is for me not for him and this is his problem and mine no backbone passive aggressiveness has double edged sword ...u think i should be happy cuz i get everything i want just not a real relationship if that makes any sense
15.is anyone really happy?others will have problems too.
16.Have been together 33 years and its all I know
Tellmenolies,

Just like true recovery authentic Christians actually walk out the gospel not just occupy pews or read the Bible. Jesus's harshest words were for the "religious" of the day that were the Pharisees and Sadducess and today's religious with no true fruit are no different.

Sadly, in many Christian circles we still look at the "outside of the cup" and fail to see beyond that especially when it comes to marriage and divorce.

I also believed that my XA and myself were put together by God and I was so devoted to the coming "miracle" that I completely enmeshed myself "helping God" by sticking with the toxic situation.

I was astonished to learn that God never expects us to tolerate unrepentant sin and even God "tough loved" those that refused to repent throughout scripture.

Why did allow his "children" to be carried off into captivity or tromp around the desert for an extra 40 years? Because he hates sin ... period.

If you are the upright spouse and have done all you can and your husband continues to be unrepentant you are released to seperate and even file for divorce and give him an opportunity to truly repent and demonstrate true change and fruit before you finalize the divorce.

If you are interested in finding out more about this there is a book by Mark Gaither called "Redemptive Divorce" that is very, very good. Its available on Amazon.

And if you are interested in a pastor/psychologist who knows addiction I have an amazing counselor who you could counsel with by phone.

PM me if interested...he is a true man of God, a biblical scholar with an understanding of psychology as well. His son is a recovered addict.
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Old 01-02-2013, 07:57 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Thankyou all such wise words of wisdom and I realize how messed up I am as I scream in my thoughts I am not co dependant. I read A bit of MB and couldn't relate.
My RA isince he's been sleeping downstairs for 2 months and I've asked him to leave for 6 months to give me space has
Seeked counselling
Attended AA
Said he was sorry numerous times
My concerns
When asking him for a suitable consequence for our daughter he still gives warnings no action
He still doesn't ask her to contribute to any help around the house
He still pretends and acts like everything is great
He is taking benzos now
He hid that from me in the past
I'm afraid he will relapse with these

As far as my daughter
She has been none violent for 2 months
At first supported me in leaving now doesn't
Is seeing a psychiatrist
Went to dr
Is working more almost full time
Is highly dependant but can't afford to move out on her job pays little and rents are high here
She won't move in with anyone
She loves me to death in between the abuse

My feelings are rah past has messed her up she needs support...I need to be there for her but she knows this is the last time.
My rah last time was when he did nothing to support me with her abusive tyrant 2 months ago thus he is asked to leave and sleeping downstairs

So hope works has he repented? Is being sorry enough? He has always been sorry this confuses me.
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Old 01-02-2013, 08:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tellmenolies View Post
Thankyou all such wise words of wisdom and I realize how messed up I am as I scream in my thoughts I am not co dependant. I read A bit of MB and couldn't relate.
My RA isince he's been sleeping downstairs for 2 months and I've asked him to leave for 6 months to give me space has
Seeked counselling
Attended AA
Said he was sorry numerous times
My concerns
When asking him for a suitable consequence for our daughter he still gives warnings no action
He still doesn't ask her to contribute to any help around the house
He still pretends and acts like everything is great
He is taking benzos now
He hid that from me in the past
I'm afraid he will relapse with these

As far as my daughter
She has been none violent for 2 months
At first supported me in leaving now doesn't
Is seeing a psychiatrist
Went to dr
Is working more almost full time
Is highly dependant but can't afford to move out on her job pays little and rents are high here
She won't move in with anyone
She loves me to death in between the abuse

My feelings are rah past has messed her up she needs support...I need to be there for her but she knows this is the last time.
My rah last time was when he did nothing to support me with her abusive tyrant 2 months ago thus he is asked to leave and sleeping downstairs

So hope works has he repented? Is being sorry enough? He has always been sorry this confuses me.
Remorse and repentance are not the same thing. True repentance means changing direction... this is true action and not just words.

Saying you are sorry is very easy to do and requires nothing except words... something A's have a lot of and that is empty promises.

From what I am gathering from what you have written (messageboards do not give the entire picture and that is why we try to stay away from advice as we are not professionals) it sounds like your A does want to save the marriage for various reasons (spiritually at least) and is at least abstinent.

You are still harboring resentment because you believe that his past behaviors have resulted in your daughter's problems and he has been unable to or unwilling to do what you believe are his responsibility in helping to resolve those relationship issues.

If he is willing and you are willing and you both name Jesus as savior then nothing is impossible. But just like recovery there would be a lot of work to be done in true healing, forgiveness and work on forging new relationships in the future.

AA and Alanon were developed out of scripture and universal spiritual laws that are bible based could be an answer for you both. If you desire to save the marriage then I would suggest that you try Alanon with a sponsor and do the steps and he try AA and get a sponsor and work the steps. Once this is accomplished and if done with true sincerity and the work is completed you can see what you have then.

As far as repentance... this is one of the best things I have ever read on true repentance:

What Are Practical Signs of Repentance?

How do you know if you’re on the path of repentance? What does the penitent life look like? How can you tell if someone you love is really changing? People who are serious about change tend to display similar behaviors that let you know they are on the right track. Here are a few signs you’ll find in a truly repentant person:

Repentant people are willing to confess all their sins, not just the sins that got them in trouble. A house isn’t clean until you open every closet and sweep every corner. People who truly desire to be clean are completely honest about their lives. No more secrets.
Repentant people face the pain that their sin caused others. They invite the victims of their sin (anyone hurt by their actions) to express the intensity of emotions that they feel—anger, hurt, sorrow, and disappointment. Repentant people do not give excuses or shift blame. They made the choice to hurt others, and they must take full responsibility for their behavior.
Repentant people ask forgiveness from those they hurt. They realize that they can never completely “pay off” the debt they owe their victims. Repentant people don’t pressure others to say, “I forgive you.” Forgiveness is a journey, and the other person needs time to deal with the hurt before they can forgive. All that penitent people can do is admit their indebtedness and humbly request the undeserved gift of forgiveness.
Repentant people remain accountable to a small group of mature Christians. They gather a group of friends around themselves who hold them accountable to a plan for clean living. They invite the group to question them about their behaviors. And they follow the group’s recommendations regarding how to avoid temptation.
Repentant people accept their limitations. They realize that the consequences of their sin (including the distrust) will last a long time, perhaps the rest of their lives. They understand that they may never enjoy the same freedom that other people enjoy. Sex offenders or child molesters, for example, should never be alone with children. Alcoholics must abstain from drinking. Adulterers must put strict limitations on their time with members of the opposite sex. That’s the reality of their situation, and they willingly accept their boundaries.
Repentant people are faithful to the daily tasks God has given them. We serve a merciful God who delights in giving second chances. God offers repentant people a restored relationship with Him and a new plan for life. Listen to Hosea’s promise to rebellious Israel:

Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. (Hosea 6:1-2, emphasis added)

After healing comes living. Repentant people accept responsibility for past failures but do not drown themselves in guilt. They focus their attention on present responsibilities, which include accomplishing the daily tasks God has given them.

One final thought. Repentance is not a solo effort. God doesn’t expect us to lift ourselves up by our own bootstraps. Through His indwelling Spirit, God shapes and molds us to make us pure and blameless in Christ. Listen to Paul’s hopeful words: “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13). For many people, the first cry of repentance is, “I can’t change by myself; I need You, God.” Thankfully, those are the sweetest words to God’s ear.
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Old 01-02-2013, 08:29 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Wow this is actually how I feel. You got it exactly! And the explaining of what repentance is is a God send!Did you get this off a website I'd like to print it off and post it somewhere I can read it daily. Thank you SO MUCH FOR THIS.My hugs to you.
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Old 01-02-2013, 09:49 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Wow this is actually how I feel. You got it exactly! And the explaining of what repentance is is a God send!Did you get this off a website I'd like to print it off and post it somewhere I can read it daily. Thank you SO MUCH FOR THIS.My hugs to you.
It was a link from the website for the book Redemptive Divorce ...

here it is...

“I’ll Change, I promise” Six Signs of Genuine Repentance « Redemptive Heart
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