Payne

Today I had a conversation with my sister in law. It started talking about something that concerned me about my nephew and moved onto my family. I have held a lot of guilt for the colder and more distant position I have taken from my family. It's hurt me to know that part of me hopes that they'll disown me so I don't have to make that choice. They aren't bad people and my father and brother are pretty amazing, but my AM has them all wrapped around her finger. For that reason I try to keep my space emotionally and physically. When we all live three blocks apart that can be hard.
I started talking about christmas and how rough that was and how it's just another example of why I take space, why I spend holidays with other people, why I try not to spend too much time with them. My demeanor changes for days after being with them, and it's a step back. I'm better than I was, it used to affect me for weeks when I saw them, but the distance i've managed has helped. However I see how unhelpful that can be too. I know this is a lot of rambling but it was a good conversation and her being remotely in the situation and completely "understanding" why I do what I do, was very helpful. SHe recognized how unhappy I was when she met me four years ago and how happy I am now in comparison. She also explained the ways my "perfect family man" brother has done some of the same things and every step he takes in that direction is better for them and their marriage. It was nice to know I wasn't alone. Maybe someday my brothers and I will find a way to find our relationships again, when we stop being pawns to my mothers substance abuse.