Heart to Heart with objective family

Old 01-01-2013, 07:07 PM
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Heart to Heart with objective family

Today I had a conversation with my sister in law. It started talking about something that concerned me about my nephew and moved onto my family. I have held a lot of guilt for the colder and more distant position I have taken from my family. It's hurt me to know that part of me hopes that they'll disown me so I don't have to make that choice. They aren't bad people and my father and brother are pretty amazing, but my AM has them all wrapped around her finger. For that reason I try to keep my space emotionally and physically. When we all live three blocks apart that can be hard.
I started talking about christmas and how rough that was and how it's just another example of why I take space, why I spend holidays with other people, why I try not to spend too much time with them. My demeanor changes for days after being with them, and it's a step back. I'm better than I was, it used to affect me for weeks when I saw them, but the distance i've managed has helped. However I see how unhelpful that can be too. I know this is a lot of rambling but it was a good conversation and her being remotely in the situation and completely "understanding" why I do what I do, was very helpful. SHe recognized how unhappy I was when she met me four years ago and how happy I am now in comparison. She also explained the ways my "perfect family man" brother has done some of the same things and every step he takes in that direction is better for them and their marriage. It was nice to know I wasn't alone. Maybe someday my brothers and I will find a way to find our relationships again, when we stop being pawns to my mothers substance abuse.
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:36 AM
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It sounds like you're in a much better place than you had been. Do you think you could reach out to the brother whose wife you spoke with? Think he's ready? Not to talk about AM, just to talk. About everything or nothing. Something to get a positive association going between the two of you again?

My sister and I may not always agree on everything, but I'm still glad I have that relationship - even amongst ACoAs, the stories are so different that the only person who can truly and deeply understand when I say "it's a dad thing" is my sister. That's worth more than any amount of money.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:12 PM
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My other brother is mad I separated I don't think he could.
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Old 01-14-2013, 08:48 PM
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None of my siblings will discuss our raising. If we do then it usually turns on me and I get told that I am harboring unforgiveness. Even when they started it and are telling worse stories than me. The other one says we are lying, the other one says it was all our fault.

You are in a good place, don't let them tear you down. Continue doing what helps you whether they like it or not.
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Old 01-17-2013, 09:06 PM
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Ginger I've been very busy lately so I apologize for not giving a better response. Tonight my heart drove me here so I will take a second. First, I am in a better place. It that type of better that often feels worse, but I know its better. My one brother sees it all for what it is and we have spoken open and honestly. He explained to me that he was very angry, as I knew, but that he found a sense of security and a release of his past in his wife and children. He explained that the first time he looked at his oldest son, it all melted away for him. That was five years prior to the conversation so he feels pretty content it will stick. He's an amazing family man who adores his wife and three kids.

My other brother has taken the family unspoken motto of honor duty and guilt to the max. This is the one I was talking about. I don't believe he'll ever be open to it. However, I pray one of two things happens, either him and his wife have a child who helps to change him enough to open his eyes. Or that they don't have children at all. this may sound callous but I fear all he will do is continue the cycle.

Kailua, I would love to talk to my oldest brother, but only when he's ready, where he's at will only cause anguish for him when he battles between the lies he's told himself and his heart. And he's entirely too trained to listen to the lies over his heart. He has to get there on his own. it was comforting to hear her say he was making steps, and for his sake and selfishly my own I hope hr is.

Call me an idiot/optimist, sometimes it seems to feel like the same thing. But I hope someday my family will be free of my AM including my mother.
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